The Mail 9/17/14

City Paper

Best Reason we should invite you to the  City Paper Best of Baltimore Party, as submitted in our online Readers Poll

The City Paper published a picture of me getting arrested on the internet and I all I got was this lousy T-shirt (had to make my own- will wear it to the party)

The rest of the reasons we should invite you to the City Paper Best of Baltimore Party

  • ...well, since you no longer ask about best massage therapist, i’ll never get best of....
  • “There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?” —Robert Kennedy
  • b/c i’m about to have a baby and mama gonna needa drank!
  • Baynard Woods has not alienated me yet. 
  • Because as a reader, I am the Best of Baltimore
  • Because as you can see I dont get around too much, I work 13- 14 hours per day a usually get my lunch from the Bistro Lunch Box food truck.  I would love to be invited to the Best party in Baltimore, My kids would not believe it...lol. But I would also like to try other type of food the that “”did not know’ about. 
  • BECAUSE BRANDON WEIGEL IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE
  • because everyone else is dead.
  • Because I can, and will, talk to everyone while wearing some sort of fun dress.
  • Because I don’t know what it is, but Baltimore’s got “it” :)
  • Because I founded my own improv and comedy club this year, with no funds, up against a ton of haters who didn’t want us to exist. And now we’re creating a community that fosters inclusion and acceptance. Also, City Paper is rad-ass.
  • Because I have 4 girlfriends
  • Because I have spent the last 10 years trying to make Baltimore a better place to live for folks with disabilities experiencing homelessness.  I know we can make this city great.
  • Because I just got fired and I need a drink
  • Because I look damn good in a suit, or I can wear a fake mustache... your choice.
  • Because I look like Barack Obama and it might be fun to have a celebrity at your party!  I make for really good pictures!
  • Because I might write a play about it.
  • Because I promise not to flash anybody, but can’t promise I won’t make awkward conversations with people I have never met.
  • Because I reach thousand of peope each week and help promote the best for our City of Baltimore.  I live here, was born and raised here and contribute immensly to the great experience of helping to make Baltimore a great place to live, work, play and visit.  Most importantly, for each person I meet with helping them experience what makes me proud of our City, I would like to think that they take a great memory of their experience with them where ever they may go.  Isn’t this the tradition and charm our city has delivered going all the way back to the times at the beginning of maritime trade here at Fells Point and the Inner Harbor?  We are all from near and far ambassadors to Baltimore once you’ve experienced this great City !!!
  • Because I reluctantly moved to this city 3 years ago to be with my boyfriend and I have grown to love it here. You have to live here to understand what the tag “Charm City” really means.
  • BECAUSE I ROCK AND ROLL...  ALL DAY LONG SWEET SUSIE!  Plus I have to figure some stuff out with life, I am sure the distraction would be welcome.  Also, I work as an analyst. I analyze stuff all day and that sucks, but I love it.  I am telling you, you can’t go wrong with this guy.  Plus my pregnant girlfriend is from El Paso and needs to be convinced that Baltimore is awesome.  I am assuming she will be able to come as well, so I guess it is decided then right?!
  • Because I sliced finger this morning
  • Because I spit hot fire
  • Because I was raised a Southern Belle who was raised to never ever ever dare ask for an invite, but since moving to Baltimore 14 years ago has begun to slightly creep out of my comfort zone in the hopes of at least answering the question you asked.
  • Because I won’t show up
  • Because I won’t take off all my clothes and embarrass everyone
  • Because I’m 53 years old and I don’t have many years yet
  • because i’m an asshole.
  • Because I’ve never been, and I make lots of art in town. It makes me sad I’ve never been. :(
  • Because I’ve only been once, due to co-winning a “BoB video” contest, but I couldn’t enjoy myself enough because my girlfriend had just broken up with me and I couldn’t party as hard as I would’ve liked.
  • Because if I tried hard enough I could already get tickets from friends who seem to get invited every year.  Nothing’s more American than giving gifts to people that don’t need or deserve them. 
  • Because it would be a really nice gesture. I bust my ass for this city every day trying to make it artistically and culturally relevant and I deserve some pats on the back and some free drinks. Thanks in advance.
  • Because it would be edgy to invite the most ostentatiously religious white dude on Baltimore Twitter.
  • because last year you sent my BOB-winner tickets to the owner of the bar where my event occurs, and he accidentally used them
  • Because my goatee is long and gray
  • Because witty extroverts always win this category. I’m shy, but I would love to go! Give us introverts a chance!
  • CAUSE I’M A COOL OLD FART.
  • Cause I’m fun, will get appropriately tipsy, and may wear a silk romper. Duh.
  • give me a break
  • Had a kid but didn’t move to Perry Hall (yet)
  • Having never been here before, I blindly moved here from Santa Fe New Mexico for a 6 month trial.  That was in 1997.  I love Baltimore.  I am an artist actively involved in the art scene. i volunteer to help keep Patterson Park clean and safe.  I am active in my neighborhood.  I have never been to that party and hears it is the best.  I promise to be a welcome addition to the party.  I am colorful.  I am a B’more booster.  I have talked friends into moving to B’more and now they love it too.  I work for myself at home and am always looking for great reasons to get out of the house.  My dog had 2 surgeries this year and it cost my husband and I a planned vacation.  
  • Help me, I’m poor.
  • I am a bartender and I work at soundstage where the party has been held several years I have worked every time. It would be nice to be on the other side of the bar. :)
  • I am too shy to attend. 
  • I dress and shoe half the city
  • I got one leg, I ride a Harley, I’m good looking...to some.  And I got cool friends.
  • I had to have emergency brain surgery and am working my way back to real-assed life.  Granted, it’s been over a year and a half, but it’s not been an easy run.  
  • I have been trapped in the hospital for ten weeks after almost losing my foot to gangrene. I need to get out and have fun!
  • I have no kids
  • I have really great hair. It’s soft. I’d let you touch it.
  • I have two girlfriends
  • I know how to have fun. The next morning, when you wake up to the sound of me making breakfast and a mimosa on your breakfast-in-bed tray, your neck and feet liquid rubber from the sensual massage I had given you all night, you will say: “Dang! I’m glad we invited that Jim Ring.”
  • I like to wander around Greenmount Cemetery by myself.
  • I’ll bring napkins, everyone always forgets to bring napkins.
  • I moved here two years ago for a job and am still in the honeymoon period of an arranged marriage with the city. It’d be a privilege to party with some choice residents.
  • I need a place to wear all of my animal prints.
  • I need to come to the party for my dissertation research into the socio-semiotics of Baltimore’s decline.
  • I need to fill in my n/a’s
  • I promise not to fart, regardless of what appetizers are served.
  • I took the time to fill out the little bit I felt like. That should be enough.
  • I used to be cool, then I had kids and moved to the burbs and am seriously contemplating a minivan. Save me from myself.
  • I will come dressed as an historical figure
  • I will come in a fancy suit made entirely out of flashing, transcendent light.  I am not joking or being hyperbolic.  I will literally light up the party.
  • I will do nothing spectacular
  • I will dress up in my finest BROS regalia and bring multi-functional guitar weapons and teach people how to harness the power of true rock.
  • I will write a personalized song about the City Paper and sing it on the ukulele at the party!
  • I won’t touch anybody
  • I’ll bring kazoos for everyone so we can all do DIY karaoke together.
  • I’ll drink up all the (stolen) Hennessey you got on your shelf
  • I’ll give all the women piggy-back rides. And any guys who really want them.
  • I’ll wear a costume that requires assembly and awkward movements. I’ll look bad in every picture, but I’ll look great drinking all the beers. 
  • I’m a second generation tugboat captain and Lingerie store owner. I’ve traveled around the world twice, been to over 40 countries yet choose to live in Baltimore, I dress dapper and get CRUNK!
  • I’m an illustration student who draws local people, does rock posters for local bands, designs logos and chalkboard signage for local businesses, draws flyers for local non-profits, and works with the creator of our unofficial mascot, The Rat Czar. All my art is based around Baltimore now, despite only living here for a year. I’ve been extremely fortunate to have met so many incredible people who are extremely active in the culture of Baltimore, and I’d love to continue that work and be a permanent fixture in Charm City. (be.net/monkah)
  • I’m neutral.
  • I’m the best German in Baltimore.
  • I’m the loudest Sax Player on the East Coast! Baltimore is my bed fellow. We see each other every night and wake up with Coffee every morning together. I drown my sorrows in Baltimore’s bosom, and share my music with her and everyone she supports.
  • I’ve already got a nail art design planned out, I would have the sickest citypaper themes mani EVER
  • i’ve had a rough year - which started at the best of baltimore party 2013 (relationships ruined, etc).  might as well do it all over again!
  • If you don’t invite me I’m gonna hold my breath ‘til I die. You’ll be responsible for my passing if I’m not invited.
  • If you don’t, I’ll move. Just see if I don’t.
  • Last year I attended as the Pizza Wizard with my apprentice the Sauceror. In the intervening year, I’ve assembled a savory army, a Snack Attack if you will, with powerhouses including the Breadstick Mage and the Nachomancer. If we are excluded from attending this year we will rain down a hot mass of snacktitude upon you. If included, I will order a dozen pizzas halfway through the night once your buffet runs out.
  • leave me alone
  • Lots of people there might already know each other, so you might need that one guy standing awkwardly by himself with a drink looking for someone to trap into a conversation. I could be that guy. 
  • My boyfriend and I are the reason that 25 people in patient gowns and their underwear wandered around North Avenue for the past month (Marat/Sade). Nobody even got hurt.
  • My butt hurts
  • My shop won Best Gift to Zymurgists (Nepenthe Homebrew) last year, but we were not invited to the Best of Baltimore Party! We were very sad, and all of our friends who were invited rubbed it in pretty hard. We want to come party with you guys this year instead of sitting at home watching Dance Moms. 
  • So I can celebrate my 10,662nd day alive in style
  • Sorry for partying 
  • There is no category for “best local witch,” so you owe it to me.
  • Well you really shouldn’t, cause I’m just not cool enough i guess :(
  • When it comes to Baltimore, I’m reeking in it!
  • You need some old ladies to balance your demographic!
  • You should invite me so I can wear cut-off jean shorts with a sport coat and make awkward faces for all the photographers and not drink all the overpriced stuff at whatever tourist bar this thing takes place in.
  • You shouldn’t, I’m a terrible flirt. 
  • You’ll never know I was there, and yet... you’ll miss me when I’m not there
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