Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: Why do you think they smoke it, dope?

City Paper

As the Leisure Party’s candidate for United States Senator, I am officially on board with Complete and Utter Legalization of the Marijuana drug. Mostly with this Legal Marijuana thing, I say look, our time on this globe is short, who are we to deny anyone a portion of succor to temper the pain of Existence, right? This substance makes a lotta people happy!

These Smoke Shops and Glass Shops and Vape Shops popping up all over the place because supposedly they (and you know who They are) will then be in the perfect position to sell Marijuana? I dunno about that as Business Plan, man, I mean, what about Liquor Stores? They (and you know who They are, the other Them) are already set up all over town in perfect locations on street corners and in strip malls, already wheeling and dealing alco-drugs and cigarette death sticks and beef jerky and stuff. These are places already set up to deal Intoxicants, you know? Beef Jerky is a powerful sedative.

When the Marijuana drug becomes one hundred percent legal and I decide I want to go and get me some, I will look to my local alco-dealer, where I buy my scratch-off lottery tickets. I will see my preferred Name Brand of Marijuana right up there on a shelf someplace in the same building along with my favorite bottle(s) of alco-beverage.

No offense to any Smoke Shops, but I am not gonna go to some frowzy-looking establishment with a crappy sign painted on plywood, where inside it has bongs carved out of a dragon’s skull and stuff, little bags of crap to burn as not-Marijuana, and the glass tubes or whatever else gets sold in those places. No thank you.

I will go to my nearby corner convenience store for a sixer of Union Craft Brewing Duckpin Pale Ale and a bunch of Marijuanas! It should totally be packaged like snack food. There could be a celebrity’s face on it, in the manner of my bag of cheese curls with the picture of now-former Baltimore Football Raven Haloti Ngata, smiling away, beatifically reinforcing/approving my purchase of HOME TEAM SNACKS MD CRAB SEASONED CRAB CURLS WITH CHEESE. I wonder which Sports celebs would wanna get in on that? My money is on Adam Jones from Your Baltimore Orioles. He likes to put pictures of his meals on his Twitter tweets.

Meanwhile, there is the possible outcome of overindulgence, namely the Amotivational Syndrome, the fancy name for the thing going on with your basic Pothead. Nobody likes a Pothead. Here is some stuff from the “Psychology Today” magazine:

People who are heavy users of marijuana for a prolonged period of time were characterized as suffering from apathy, dullness, lethargy, and impairment of judgment, i.e. the classic amotivational syndrome. Whether the amotivational syndrome exists or not is still controversial; there are still too few poorly controlled small studies that do not allow a definitive answer. Also, most people who use marijuana do not develop this syndrome. Why does this syndrome only develop in some long term users? The answer lies in understanding the behavior of our brain’s own marijuana system. Our human brain produces its own endogenous marijuana-like chemicals. One of them is called 2-AG and is the most abundant of the endogenous marijuana-like chemicals; the other is called anandamide. 2-AG and anandamide are made from the fat in our diet. Indeed, when we consume lots of fat our brain rewards us by releasing 2-AG and anandamide. Yes, our brain loves it when we consume fat; it makes us feel happier and induces us to eat more fat.  You can thank your brain’s marijuana system for this.

Fat! Isn’t that crazy? Your brain gets you high rewarding Fat! Deeper still, there’s a whole other problem with the Marijuana. We are supposed to be living in The Future, you know? People need to cut down on the Superjoint Ritual of igniting the stuff and then doing Deep Breathing exercises. Here’s what the American Lung Association has to say about Marijuana smoke:

Smoke is harmful to lung health. Whether from burning wood, tobacco or marijuana, toxins and carcinogens are released from the combustion of materials. Smoke from marijuana combustion has been shown to contain many of the same toxins, irritants and carcinogens as tobacco smoke.

See, that’s the American Lung Association, OK? They want you to have healthy lungs, that’s all.

Smoking marijuana clearly damages the human lung. Research shows that smoking marijuana causes chronic bronchitis and marijuana smoke has been shown to injure the cell linings of the large airways, which could explain why smoking marijuana leads to symptoms such as chronic cough, phlegm production, wheeze and acute bronchitis.

It’s smoke, man, any kinda smoke. Don’t let your enthusiasm for the Marijuana drug fog your mind to the dangers of inhaling cloud upon cloud of Marijuana smoke! This includes the Medical aspects, which, c’mon, you could take it as a pill.

The American Lung Association encourages continued research into the health effects of marijuana use, as the benefits, risks and safety of marijuana use for medical purposes require further study. Patients considering using marijuana for medicinal purposes should make this decision in consultation with their doctor, and consider means of administration other than smoking.Due to the risks it poses to lung health, the American Lung Association strongly cautions the public against smoking marijuana as well as tobacco products.

See that? “[M]eans of administration other than smoking.” Medicinally, even, it is not optimal to be hooving this stuff into your lungs. Sorry, I totally do not mean to harsh your mellow with this. Hey, I heard you get way higher if you just eat the stuff, OK? 

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