Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: Protests! Pollen!

City Paper

Before I begin this protest-delayed installment of the Mr. Wrong Column, as a tax-paying resident of the city of Baltimore I would like to say a big thank you the protesters of Baltimore for doing the right thing on an ongoing basis. I believe all of the recent unpleasantness we have experienced as a city is because Mr. Freddie Gray of Baltimore got killed while in the custody of the police, who are responsible for the well-being of their prisoners, and I think cops have a hard job, and I look forward to the police officers involved getting their day in court. I didn’t vote for Marilyn Mosby, Esq., because I thought the guy who was already state’s attorney would do something like Mrs. Mosby did, with respect to the police officers, so she’s got my vote next time.

OK, now I would like to get back to my regularly scheduled complaining, which was interrupted by Democracy.

Like many of my fellow long-suffering Allergy-Americans, I am seasonally at the mercy of the Pollen, and right now it is Trending big time, in the air. I think the way it works is kabillions and katrillions of the tiny but active Pollens fly off all the plants that are springing in the Springtime, proffering their various Pollens with the objective of reproduction or whatever. I looked to the Wikipedia for some confirmation:

Pollen is a fine to coarse powder containing the microgametophytes of seed plants, which produce the male gametes (sperm cells). Pollen grains have a hard coat made of sporopollenin that protects the gametophytes during the process of their movement from the stamens to the pistil of flowering plants or from the male cone to the female cone of coniferous plants. If pollen lands on a compatible pistil or female cone, it germinates, producing a pollen tube that transfers the sperm to the ovule containing the female gametophyte. Individual pollen grains are small enough to require magnification to see detail.

Yeah, that didn’t really help me very much, but it’s Educational, OK?

Look, I mean, I know Nature and Life is Beautiful and we should celebrate the Miracle of Creation, but, c’mon, man, it’s kinda disgusting when you think about it, all these plants are out there right now, furiously doing their sex thing at each other, and we are all just walking around minding our business, breathing it all in, and in the case of the Pollen-allergic, all those tiny li’l building blocks of Plant Life are floating around, and we suck ’em in, just breathing, man, just trying to live, and the Pollens are all over the atmosphere, along for the ride, it’s nothing personal, I think, in terms of how the Pollens end up inside my Nasal Passages and Mouth, getting all over the velvety insides of my Sinus Cavities and coating my Pharynx and my Larynx and my Uvula and stuff. Ack-ptooey! Pollen!

I know there’s all kinds of exciting Drugs to take for this Affliction, but I can’t deal with what they do to my Brain, I feel like I am operating one of those Claw Machines, where you try and get a prize with the Claw? Except that’s me trying to drive my car, loopy on the Non-Drowsy that’s not supposed to make me loopy, and I feel like I’m 20 feet away from the steering wheel, reaching with super-attenuated arms, in the manner of the Titular Character in the Major Motion Picture “Beetlejuice,” you know?

Seriously, nothing works, drug-wise, Over The Counter, Prescription, nothing, man, I have tried every type of Drowsy or Non-Drowsy stuff to stop the revolting flow of whatever it is that my body decides to manufacture to carry all the Pollens out of my system, the constant Live-Streaming of Viscous Fluids, exiting all of my Pollen-holes in the manner of the passengers of the ill-fated Titanic cruise, all just pushing to get Overboard, man, this stuff doesn’t care about lifeboats, or if I just put on a clean shirt, yuck! Sometimes I gotta jam some Kleenex in my nasal ports, man, it’s early in the Season, so I’m not at the Posh Puffs stage from all the normal paper tissues irritating my delicate Epidermis, and sometimes if I’m out in public I have to work with whatever I can get to stanch the live-streaming from my Mutinous Mucous Membranes. I mean, if I’m backed in a corner, with no options, I will even go for that scratchy low-grade cardboard-y paper towel material, ouch.

I went to the Dentist the other day because I Believe in a regular routine of good Oral Hygiene and Prophylaxis and all that, and my Dental Hygienist told me I had the longest Uvula she had ever seen, and I dunno if I should be happy about that, I mean, is there any money in having a long Uvula? Can I get a gig on a Reality Show off of having a long Uvula? Was I maybe getting Uvula-shamed or something? It made me wonder if that is part of my Pollen problem, getting all those itty-bitty pieces of Pollen stuck on my Uvula, which has more surface area for Pollen to get stuck to? Somebody please to do a Medical Study on that, and if there is a Stipend, I volunteer to be a Uvula Guinea Pig Subject of Treatment. Thank you. 


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