Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: Now is the season of complaining about baseball

City Paper

All right! This week is Baseball Season, and for me, that means I have a whole entire Season to look forward to! A Season of complaining about things having to do with Baseball! In particular, complaining about all the stupid stuff I see happening around me when I am trying to relax and enjoy some Baseball live and in person, in a seat (or standing at the bar) inside Oriole Park at Camden Yards, America. Let’s Go O’s!

First of all, I would like to make my Annual Appeal to whoever is in charge of making things happen inside Oriole Park at Camden Yards in terms of all the video crap and super-loud stuff that gets played over the Public Address System. Could we once, just once, have something along the lines of a quieter game at the ballpark?

I’m not saying stop doing all the stuff you’ve been doing, with the video Condiment Races (Always bet on Ketchup) and the video Crab Shell Game, and the video this and the video that, all that bullshit is annoying to me, but look, I am already on board, man, I am invested in  Partial Plan “B,” or maybe it’s Partial Plan “D,” I forget, it’s a plan, though! I paid for part of one! I am committed to going to games! You got my money! Go O’s!

Alls I’m saying is, just once, one crummy time over 80 games, man, that’s almost three months worth of games, just one lousy stinking time, could we have an old-school day at the ballpark in terms of the tech? Like, just for one game out of 80, could we have mellow organ music and nothing up on the video but the score of the game, and the scores of the games around the league? No flashing stuff, no animations, no “Fan of the Game,” or “Kiss Cam,” or any of that non-baseball stuff, just one day, once, when the game and everything around it is about The Game? None of the distractions from the game or the distractions from being between innings? Oh no, it’s between innings! Nothing’s going on! What will happen? Aieee!!! The crowds cannot live with the sounds inside their own skulls!

C’mon, could we once, just once, just to see what happens, have a day at the ballpark where there’s no BAMARAMARAMARA BAM BAM BAM-kinda stuff getting blasted into everyone’s skulls every time there’s more than a two-second pause in the game? Baseball is all about the stuff in between, man, it is a game where you can relax and watch the game, but also where you can relax by focusing on the game. By concentrating! With your brain! Loud music when there is nothing going on does not help! Baseball is about nothing happening a lot of the time! It’s part of the game! I wanna watch The Game! On the field! Not some crap up on the video screen! Or whatever BOMBOMBOMBAM BLAM BLAM KA-BLAM is coming outta the sound system when an Oriole is walking up to the plate. This is not professional Wrasslin’! It’s Baseball! America’s Pastime! The National Sport! Beer!

I know, I know, everybody’s like “Actually, man, Football is probably really the most popular blah blah money people television video games Super Bowl Doritos blah bleh.” No! It’s Baseball! A season that goes seven months! 160-something games a year! Recognize!

This is a Country of Laws and a Country that pays attention to History so it can avoid the past and make better mistakes, and this is a Country of Baseball, and that’s why Baseball got an exemption to the Anti-Trust laws or whatever, so Baseball could be a Monopoly, because they (and you know who They are) figured the only way America’s Pastime was gonna survive as The Thing Itself was to get some sorta special deal, like protecting almost-extinct eagles or whatever, when they were almost extinct. Now we have eagles all over the place and maybe that’ll have to change some day, the “protecting” of Baseball as a Business, because the Business of America is Business, and Baseball is America, so the Business of Baseball is Business, and sure, Football is Business, but Baseball is not Football! You need all the noise and animalistic stuff in Football because it is a barbaric simulacrum of the Military Experience of America! You need to get blasted in the parking lot and “tailgate” outside the Football game to “get psyched” for the game so you can go inside the Football stadium and get more shit-faced and scream support for your team! Scream! Scream in the manner of an animal being prodded with red-hot steel rods while it is trying to kill another animal with its pointy-toothed mouth! BhrrlUAARRRGHHHAAIIIAUGH!!! It is frequently uncomfortably cold at Football games! You need to tap into a Berserker Rage! Football is pretend War!

Baseball is Peace! It’s Baseball Season! I want Peace! I don’t need loud noises drilled into my head while I am watching baseball! I don’t need to “get psyched” for Baseball! I am psyched! In my mind! I have a Partial Plan of Seating!

And stop doing “The Wave” when our side is pitching! “The Wave” is for messing with the opposing team’s pitcher! It’s not for when you’re bored! Pay attention to the game!

Anyway, all I am saying is it would be nice to have one Quiet Day at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, one Serious Concentration on the Pastoral Aspects of Baseball Day, with old-timey organ music and no mega-decibel stuff blasting outta the speakers. However, I do support the good-time hand-clapping and playing of “Country Boy” during the Seventh-Inning Stretch. Go O’s! 

Big-league tweets: @MRWRONGCOLUMN

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