Yeah baby, I’m on Vacation, AROOO! I’m not even here, you know? I mean, I’m someplace, but that someplace is an Unknown Planet in the Galaxy of Vacation, you know? Depending on when you read this (and when I wrote this) I hope you have or will recently experience Vacation in your life soon or just now or shortly before or after now, or right now! Vacation! Go!
Meanwhile, I don’t know where I am except I am on Vacation! Someplace! So I’m There, not Here, OK? I’m not in my Usual Place doing my Usual Things, see? Vacation!
One of those Usual Things is pooping out The Mr. Wrong Column on the regular, but I’m not doing that this week, man, because I’m on Vacation, paradoxically, The Mr. Wrong Column is never on Vacation, so instead of like, not having a column this week, I made my column in premeditated anticipation before-and-afterthought of being Vacant, because the First Rule of The Mr. Wrong Column is Always Be Columning!
I mean, in retrospect, one writes everything in advance, doesn’t one? That’s how writing works! It’s like, you’re reading it right now, but that’s not when I wrote it, and that is especially true this week because where am I? Yeah!
Look, how can you have a Column, anywhere, about anything, and not make enough Column to cover any sorta gap? It just doesn’t make sense, and I don’t like to criticize, but I do not support Columns ever going on Vacation, seriously. I mean, I have a Column for when I am incapacitated or declared a Missing Person, and I have a Column for when I am Dead. I’m not kidding. I hope you never get to read it, no offense.
Hey! If you have a Column and you think you’re gonna skip filing because you are on Vacation, lemme know and I will write your Column for you, lazybones. Yes, I don’t care what your Column is, I will fill it. And cash your check! Second Rule: Get Paid! I’m on Vacation and my Column is filed and I Get Paid!
That’s why I write enough Column to go around, you know? I want that check! I still Get Paid for The Mr. Wrong Column via checks, made out of paper, with numbers and signatures and stuff on ’em such as: VERIFY THE AUTHENTICITY OF THIS MULTI-TONE SECURITY DOCUMENT. CHECK BACKGROUND AREA CHANGES COLOR GRADUALLY FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. My check is sent through U.S. Mail, hand-delivered to my castle. I can’t figure out who currently signs my checks though, because I can’t read the signature scrawls. There’s two signatures on my check, is that normal? Is this one of those situations like in the Nuclear Missile Silos where there’s two soldiers and they each have a key and they each have a pistol in case the other one freaks out? “Too many zeroes on that Mr. Wrong check! Stop! I’m warning you! Put that pen down! KA-BLAM!” One of the signatures looks like “Steve Martini,” or maybe “Sgt. Matinee” (but I think I’m still picturing those soldiers shooting each other over paychecks for people they never met), and the other one looks like it says “AmallallMdey,” one of those repetitive deals that makes me think a person is weary of signing stuff. I mean, I know the signatures on my check are not Actual Signatures, they are Digitized Facsimiles of signatures, because it’s too many checks to go and really sign ’em all, and then what if these two Signators wanna go on Vacation, right? Sign a stack of blank checks in advance? Nah, just have a Robot do my sig, man, I’m on Vacation! Hey, I gotta see if I can train a Robot to write my column!
It’s almost a little mini-Vacation in my mind to think about Getting Paid, you know? In case you are late joining us here at The Mr. Wrong Column, I am on Vacation, and even though you are reading this Column and my brain is connecting to your brain through the use of a trail of somewhat carefully arranged letters shaped into words and sentences, right now, right this very minute, I am so-ooo Vacant, and I have no complaints, however, Complaining is a regular Feature of the Mr. Wrong Column, so here’s a warmed-over one, it’s nothing new, it’s a Complaint I have had forever and ever, but for some reason I’m seeing more of this recently, I dunno if it’s the Economy or what, but it is the preponderance of Grape Jelly in restaurants and Diners and the complete lack of Strawberry Jam. Jelly is cheap-ass sugar water that has been jelly-ified, so the Apple, Grape, and “Mixed Fruit” crap I am seeing out there is denying me a Minimum Daily Requirement serving of fruit or vegetable on my hot buttered breakfast toast! Jam has fruit in it! C’mon!
OK, that’s enough. I hope you are enjoying my Vacation, and I promise that I enjoyed yours or will do so real soon as I write this Column and you read it. Please to write in and tell me about your Vacation, OK? Like I said, because of my Process, I can’t tell you where I am right this minute, because you are inside my Column and I am on Vacation, but probably I have a healthful and nutritious beer in my hand and probably I am on some kinda floaty thing in some kinda swimming pool or large body of water. I might be enjoying a snack, or thinking about a snack. The key Vacation thing for me—besides the beer and the snack—is to have access to water in which to immerse my body and ritually absolve me of all the Bad Things that I do. When I’m not on Vacation.