Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: E Pluribus Money

City Paper

I like money. I like to look at all the little engraving-pictures on coins and bills, and I enjoy the Mystery of how, like, the Dime is worth more than the Penny and the Nickel combined, even though the 10-Cent Piece is smaller than each of ’em. I even like the smell of paper money, did you ever smell it? I know, when you start to think about it, Money is super disgusting, because of all the places it has been, and all the hands and who knows what other body parts have touched my Money, that I am holding in my hand and sniffing right now, but I swear all I can smell is the paper and some ink, man, nothing else, I hope. I heard that some people in Professions wherein one handles a large volume of paper Money contract a Fungal Infection from all the Money-handling, urgh! I never collected paper Money as a Hobby, but I used to have one of those coin-collecting books, those blue ones, where you put the coin in the cardboard hole, and I had books fulla pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters, but eventually I popped ’em all out to buy an infielder’s glove for playing baseball, which I regret, because those Coins I collected would be worth a whole bunch of Money now, and I still can’t field for shit.

Do you like Money? I mean, are you interested in what’s used for Money here in The United States of America? You know, what it looks like and stuff? Howabout the Paper Money? Lotsa people have been examining Our Money for years, “revealing” all kindsa Arcane Symbols of the Occult Forces at work in Our Government, and if you want to Believe in that stuff, go ahead, but I don’t think any of those Theories about the Pyramids and the Masons and the Eyeballs and stuff are worth the paper they are printed on, but wait, I mean, the paper they are printed on is Money, so they’re worth that, at least, OK? Novus Ordo Seclorum!

Canada has some pretty nice Money, very colorful. You know what they have on the Reverse side of their nickel? A beaver! That’s fun, right? I would like to see more animals on all our money, like, we could have a Famous Person on the Obverse side and then a fun animal on the flip side, such as a cougar or a buffalo, some animals that are American, and not Extinct yet, you know? A turkey would be a good one, we (The People) should totally put that on the hunski, because legend has it that Benjamin Franklin liked the turkey so much he wanted it to be the Official Bird-Animal Spirit of the United States of A., as opposed to the Eagle, a consumer of carrion. Now Canada has put an Astronaut on the Reverse of its five, and some Canadian guy on the front, but they (and you know who They are: Canadians) doodled all over that guy’s face when Mister Spock from “Star Trek” died and the doodlers converted the Government Money guy’s visage to a simulacrum of a Canadian Money Spock.

Anyway, enough about Canada, no offense, back here in the Lower 48, I am alarmed by news of a proposed change to the 10-dollar bill, and not because I have an opinion about who is on the Sawbuck right now (Alexander Hamilton, a non-president, like Ben Franklin), but because if there’s any Money that needs to get changed over, it’s the 20, man. You know who’s on the $20? Former President of the United States Andrew Jackson. This guy was against Abolition. He participated in the Genocide of the Indigenous People of this Continent. Sure, let’s change the $10, but also please to get this guy off my Double-Sawbuck, seriously.

There was some stuff on the internet earlier this year about how we need to have some Lady Americans on Our Money, and I am in complete agreement with this idea. It used to be, on the Ye Olde Money, there was always like, a “Winged Victory” or “Walking Liberty” or something, some sort of Idealized Female on the Money, which shows—while of course this country is the Greatest Experiment in Democracy, etc.,—how Primitive and Limited this country can be, as in: Up until The Year Two Thousand Fifteen and No Cents not thinking any Actual Living Female Human Being was appropriate to put on our Money. Recently, they (and you know who They are) have been putting Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea on Dollar Coins, but c’mon, who uses Dollar Coins? It’s kinda insulting to only put Women on Dollar Coins, you know? Dollar Coins are the annoying thing that comes out of the fare-card machine and you can’t wait to get rid of ’em.

So look, with all this horrible stuff going on in what for about five minutes after the installation of our current POTUS was referred to as our Post-Racial Society, we need to put some African-Americans on our Money. Baltimore is already way ahead, because we put Frederick Douglass on the Obverse of the One BNote (our local business currency), with a lovely Baltimore Oriole on the Reverse, but I think Ladies need to get on the United States $10 and $20, and there’s all kindsa lists with Women such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Sojourner Truth, and many others, but it’s gotta be Harriet Tubman on the $20, with or without the shotgun. Thank you. 

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