Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: Baltimore City needs to annex the county

City Paper

Look man, I dwell in and pay taxes to the City of Baltimore, and there’s all kinds of problems with these Public Schools in Baltimore, the ones where children go when their parents can’t afford to put them in Private Schools, and nobody listened to me when I said to put slot machines in the schools, and so here we are, and nobody (everybody) doesn’t want to send their kids to these Public Schools, or else they move out to “The County,” or deeper still, completely out of the state to “Pennsylvania,” wherever that is, to keep their kids out of the Baltimore City Public Schools, unless they are the Magnetic ones with a Charter or something, like a Country Club, I guess? I don’t know. Do you?

We need these Public Schools! Children need a safe place to learn. I’m not thrilled with all the stuff taught in schools, though, this is an Emergency, man, we need to arm the children early on with Reading and Writing and Math! And there are too many children with bad home lives, so they need a different way to learn, they need immersion! Camps! Meals! Get those National Guards back here to help with that! Emergency!

Attack this problem! The first thing the City of Baltimore needs to do is annex “The County,” which means you just take it over, draw a new line on all the maps that shows how The County is in the City now, and as soon as I can figure out how to work my Google Maps I will draw a line around all the stuff that needs to be in the City, because this whole “move to ‘The County’” thing is a bunch of crap, man, there wouldn’t be a The County unless there is The City! I’m not exactly sure where The County is, except I know We The People of Baltimore are pretty much surrounded by it, except the watery parts of Our Border, and allow me to indulge in an exercise of Foreshadowing, OK? Everybody knows the Wars of The Future will not be fought over Oil, man, they will be fought over Water, seriously, somebody smart said that, not just me, get it straight.

OK, so look, you The County people come here to The City have fun! Go to Pimlico! Baseball! Football! Gambling! With a portion of the proceeds to Education! You come here to The City to eat at good restaurants! Better than the Texas steakhouse or whatever or those fake “crab shack” chains! You come here to check out Culture and Fine Art at places like the AVAM and The Walters and the BMA! You don’t have that stuff in your The County! You have Costco! Actually, though, I go to The County in the Burnie for Costco, so that’s not a good example. Sidebar: Costco is a good store because they pay their employees better, and I know it’s a pain in the ass that you can’t use a Visa or Mastercard credit card there, but just get an American Express card, man.

Plus I think they (and you know who They are, out there in “The County”) get their drinking water from us City Folk, so The City needs to take control of some of this The County, and if they fight us, we should sell the water to California, man, they would appreciate it more than these The County people, you know? You can always tell a The County person, man, they are always Thirsty, but you know, for water.

All right, look, I totally support firing a whole bunch of people in the schools, because they are a mess, but like, all the firings that just happened, I read about it in The Baltimore Sun newspaper, which owns the presses that print ink onto giant rolls of paper that are cut up and folded into the Alternative Weekly Newspaper the Mr. Wrong column appears in each week, but I didn’t read about the Schools on a piece of Newsprint, I read about it on The Sun’s pixels, that like 200 people got canned, but I’m not sure how many of ’em were teachers, or educators, I guess that’s what they want to be called, Educators? Sure, why not, I don’t see the big deal about calling a teacher a Teacher, and for the record, as the Leisure Party’s candidate for Governor of Maryland, I categorically and for the Record state that I totally respect calling people what they say they want to be called, if there appears to be a general consensus or somebody donates a bag of cash to my Campaign and wants me to call Educators “Teachers.”

Personally and Professionally, recently, for money, I became an Adjunct Faculty at a notable Community College, and I would never call myself a “Professor,” because I don’t have a piece of paper that states my Professorship, you know? That’s rude to Professors, I think, so if there’s a specific difference between a Teacher and an Educator, I will enforce that terminology.

Anyway, so a lot of Educators are now Unemployed Teachers I guess, but it’s gonna be Summer any minute, right? Aren’t teachers typically unemployed during the Summer? Is this a trick? Did they fire only the Bad Educators? Who is going to be in a room with children who need to learn and make the City better? And don’t get me started on Year-Round School, man, which I am in favor of, by the way, but look, I read there are like “930 central office administrators” who did not get fired. Administrators?!? Keep the teachers, man, fire some of the Administrators! Who is going to teach the children, the Administrators? That’s cool, if that’s what’s gonna happen, though. Hey, maybe we should just fire all the Public Schools, everything, blow up the whole System in Baltimore and have the children sent to The County to learn? We’re coming to The County! 


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