Now is Graduation Season, so first and foremost, fivemost, almost, I would like to congratulate all the Graduates who are Graduating right now, and also I would like to take this opportunity to remind everybody that—unaccustomed as I am to Public Speaking—the Mr. Wrong Column is available for all manner of Public Speaking Engagements, Motivational Addresses, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Luncheons, and most importantly, addresses to the Graduatory and Graduatarians of America and certain parts of Canada not under Martial Law. My fee is an Honorary Degree of whatever your Institution of Higher Learning has on offer, unless it is Math. If I ever get that speaking gig from Hamburger University I will request a standard cash Honorarium for all engagements after that.
OK, so now, here is this year’s Address to the Graduating (and Diploma Pending Paying Those Parking or Library Fines or Getting Three More Credits, I Can’t Believe I Fucked Up Counting my Credits) Class of The Year of Our Lord 2015 Anno Domini, All Others Pay Cash:
Con-grad-u-ations, Graduates! You are now done—except for the Loan Payments, hiyo—with your Higher Education, unless you are going to stay in school for some more paper, in which case you are dismissed from this speech. Go on, get out. I’m not kidding, man, get outta here, you’re fine, no worries, you just are not ready to hear this Address, it’s OK, go on now, git!
Alright, so now it is just us here, and some of you might have something lined up already, but that might fall through, you need to have a Plan B. Meanwhile, I am looking out at a lotta bright shining faces who need to go and get a job, and my advice is, as always, for you to look to the Food Service and Hospitality Industries for some quick cash. This includes the noble calling of Pizza Delivery, man, I’m not kidding, if you have a car that gets good gas mileage, you can make a lot of money distributing pizzas, and you can learn a lot about Life, but unless you’re gonna do it on a bicycle, you really need to know how to drive a car, and I am going to take what seems to be a small detour here on your Road to the Future, to react to this thing I heard the other day about the State of Maryland, My Maryland, and how they (and you know who They are) have Officially eliminated Parallel Parking from the Driving Test. This is quite simply an outrage, and I know errbody is all about Outrage, especially with the easy outragelets of Internet and Tweet and whatever, but I’m not kidding, man, the State has not been testing for this skill, and I don’t have any Facts to back this up, but I don’t need facts! I am out there driving around and I see people who do not have the slightest inkling as to the process of Parallel Parking! They are fucking it up for everybody! You see some bonehead doing the front-first thing, which only works if you have, like, two whole car lengths as your Landing Zone, so they go in, and then the ass-end of the car is sticking out in the lane and so now you either sit there and wait for them to give up, or else you try and go around, which a lotta times means you are crossing a double line, and, well, I don’t know, do they test for what a fucking Double Line on the road means? Maybe they don’t! Maybe there are just no fucking rules any more! Sure, go ahead, what are you doing now, Perpendicular Parking? OK, look, I’m not crossing the Double Line, I’m gonna just sit here and let the car behind me lose its mind before it screeches its tires and goes blasting past both of us honking the fucking horn, because that always helps, right? Do they have a test for honking the horn? They should, because the whole city would get a fuckin’ A! Everybody seems to do really good at that, losing their fucking mind in the space of a few seconds and going bwwaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaa as they go by, yelling something you can never hear completely, “aghmmfHEYTHEFUghrglwaa.” Terrific, swell, look, Parallel Parking is gonna become a Lost Art, because if there’s no Official Test for it, why bother to learn it? Then it’s gonna be what I have in my Neighborhood, which is where motorists park in the traffic lane exactly next to an empty space because they have no ability to get into the space because they lack the basic skill of Parallel Parking! What are we doing to our Nation? It’s gonna be years before everyone has a car with the Robot Parking in it, you know? How are you going to get a job doing Valet Parking with a diploma and no Parallel Parking ability? The first time you have to go and put a car into a Parallel Park, you are either gonna take an hour to do it and lose your job, or you are gonna bang up the car and then lose your job that way, so fine, you are sitting their with your Diploma and you have no fucking idea about the World and how to Parallel Park, may God Have Mercy on Your Souls. Thank you.