It’s not football season, OK? It’s fucking Baseball season. Your Baltimore Orioles are in first fucking place in the Eastern Division of the American League, a League so fucking American that it is named AMERICAN and Your Baltimore Orioles are, as of When-I-Am-Pecking-Out-This-Mr.-Wrong-Column-Time, a full five games up over the second-place and Canadian Toronto Blue Jays, and it is time to focus on Baseball, and winning, and not on some preseason grabass football, OK?
No offense to any Ravens fans out there, if you are a 24/7-365 football freak, then go with God, you ain’t even reading this anyway, because you are wondering about Kapron Lewis-Moore (Achilles), and Brent Urban (ACL), and Asa Jackson (ankle), and Ray Rice (felony aggravated assault), and how that will affect the season. Whatever, football-head, go about your business, but it is motherfucking Baseball Season. Play Ball!
I had a bet with somebody about Ray Rice getting suspended for the violence with his fiancee, and I won, but I can’t remember who I bet with. I said there was no way in Hell that Ray Rice was getting anything more than a one-game suspension behind this shit, because nobody got murdered, and I win because of “The Price is Right” Rules, I guessed closest without going over. And the person I bet against—a person who shall remain nameless because I can’t remember who I fucking bet this with because I make a lotta bets and how’m I supposed to remember ‘em all if I make some of them in bars and the people I bet with are not Honorable and Forthright and own up to losing a bet with me, but whatever—whoever lost that bet with me, it’s Baseball Season and Your Baltimore Orioles are in First Fucking Place in the American League East, and I bet there’s a ballgame today. Let’s play two!
And another thing, Sir or Madam Who Lost That Bet With Me, it’s hilarious you thought Ray Rice was gonna get suspended for like half the season or something, that’s just nuts. Football is the most widely condoned and popular form of soft-core Blood Sport in this country, with players getting crippled and Brain Damaged right and left, so why on earth would somebody get in Big Trouble for getting violent? And besides, it’s Baseball Season! Go O’s!
I mean, I watch football, as long as it is Legal, I will watch it, and I will celebrate the Sacrament of Super Bowl, even though Super Bowl 50 in the year 2016 is gonna be numbered five-zero instead of L, because apparently America will get confused by the Roman Numeral L, and even though they (and you know who They are, the people who want you to start thinking it’s Football Season while Your Baltimore Orioles are in First Place in the American League East) ran Roman Numerals from Super Bowl I through Super Bowl XLIX, and I can’t remember how much I bet on that Ray Rice thing, but it doesn’t matter because the person I bet it with won’t tell me, because they won’t even tell me who I made that bet with, and besides, man, it’s Baseball Season! The O’s are in First Place!
I really hate that so many Sports Seasons overlap, especially with Baseball, because it is Our National Pastime, I mean, football starts Sept. 4, which is still Baseball Season, and hockey starts Oct. 8, which is also still Baseball Season, but then basketball starts Oct. 28, which could still be Baseball Season, depending on how long it takes the Baltimore Orioles to win the World Series! It’s Baseball Season! O’s!
I went to that Wild Bill Hagy night the other day at the Baseball Stadium at Camden Blah-Blah, and it bothered me that they are using the ghost of this guy who was an upper-decker, cheap-seats, good-times guy, and they priced the game day in his memory as a “premium” game or whatever it’s called when $8.50 Import Can Beer at Camden Yolo wants to jack you a few more bucks for your ticket, not to mention this “Dynamic Pricing” bullshit, where, if demand for tickets for a particular game rises, then ticket prices rise as well. OK, fine, America, Capitalism, stay home and listen to the game on the radio, but for that particular game, the Wild Bill Hagy game, this was very Not In The Spirit of Wild Bill Hagy, I mean, I paid $18 for my seat in SEC 386 ROW 25 SEAT 20, in the Nosebleed Seats, if you will, about as far away as you can get from the game inside the stadium, and as close as you can get to that ugly-ass hotel that got built next to it, but whatever, I win the Ray Rice bet and whoever I made that bet with is never gonna own it, but fuck it, man, it’s Baseball Season! Orioles Magic! Go O’s!