Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

The Simmering of Summer Movies

City Paper

Hey man, Summer is almost over, but not yet! Depending on when this iteration of the Mr. Wrong Column is plopped onto some newspaper or pooped into a Web page, we haz over two whole weeks of Summer left, arooo! There still might be time to go to the movies, or better yet, the drive-ins, and see a Summer Blockbuster!

The Summer Blockbuster Movie is one of the things I am always pleased to enjoy all the way up into the end of my Summer of Love. Did you watch any movies this Summer that were Blockbusters? I don’t think this was the most Sizzlin’ of Summer Blockbuster Seasons, movie-wise, but I saw a couple-few that were pretty Blockbuster-y, such as the “Guardians of the Galaxy” movie, which had a talking raccoon and a talking tree, and a shitload of rocket ships and explosions, man, total Summer Blockbuster. I also saw the X-Men movie, which featured the Paradox of Time Travel, but that movie didn’t really stay with me, in terms of its Blockbusteriness, you know, it was just another Comic Book Movie, like the Spider-Man one, that featured an Electrocuted Jamie Foxx, who is an Oscar-winning actor, and he was pretty scary and blue, but otherwise, I didn’t think that it was very Blockbuster. The Transformers movie was way, way Blockbuster, I think, but I didn’t see it because I saw the other ones, and I thought they were super boring, just a bunch of giant toys beating the shit out of each other, but I respect the latest one for its Blockbustifarian qualities, just saying I’m full, you know? No offense to any giant robots or anything.

I saw a very non-Blockbusteresque film this Summer, and notice that I didn’t even call it a movie, it was a Film, and that was the “Boyhood” film, which had the gimmick of being filmed over 12 years with the same actors, so you got to watch Patricia Arquette’s hairstyles change, and you got to see like everybody’s little electronic gadgets and computers and stuff change, and I thought it was a nice film, but I think because it was too close to real life—which I thought it really was, almost like a documentary—it wasn’t tremendously exciting, but it is a singular achievement, you know, to do that idea over 12 years and nobody died and nobody like I dunno, went crazy and quit the movie? But still, very not-Blockbuster.

Another kinda arguably non-Blockbustacular movie I did not see is the “Lucy,” which stars Scarlett Johansson, and she is using 100 percent of her brain or something, she wears tight outfits and kills people with her mind, I think, which might be Blockbuster, but I dunno. It’s by that French guy who likes to do movies featuring super-powered or highly violent Females, plus he also did one about Joan of Arc. I keep meaning to go see it at the shiny-new movie theater in Towson, the Cinemark, but I keep missing it on a Tuesday, which is when you should go there, because all the non-3D, XD, etc., movies are $6.50 on Tuesday, all day, which is a pretty good deal and I dunno how long it will last. Also, they haz Kettle Corn, yum. “Lucy” is still playing there, as of Press Time or whatever, but it might be one of those movies I end up watching out of order on Cable, you know? The Scarlett Johansson movies I did see were alternately either total Blockbuster or mos def non-Buster of Blocks, as in the Captain America movie, which qualifies as Summer Blockbuster even though it is entitled “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” (movies with colons in ’em are always trying to be Blockbusters: in my opinion), and then this creepy Sciencer called “Under the Skin,” which was suuuuuuper creepy, even though (because?) Ms. Johansson got naked in it. Way creepy, man, seriously.  

Speaking of creepazoids, I thought the Angelina Jolie movie and the Godzilla movie were pretty Blockbusteriffic, but I didn’t go see ’em because I get creeped out by Angelina Jolie, and whatever they (and you know who They are) did to her face to make her into a witch, like, it made her way creepier, but basically she was still Angelina Jolie, and I do not enjoy. On the other hand, I am not afraid of no Godzilla, but ever since I saw that “Cloverfield” movie, I can’t take Godzilla seriously anymore, at least not like I used to when I was 9 years old and he was Japanese, you know? He just isn’t the same Godzilla, but: 100 percent Blockbuster, I think. I woulda been happy to see that one at the drive-ins, which, in the vicinity of Baltimore, USA, means The Bengies Drive-In Theatre, on beautiful and scenic Eastern Boulevard, and you should go to the drive-ins before the Summer fizzles, seriously, there is nothing like watching a movie in the Great Out-of-Doors, ideally under a clear, starry night (as opposed to rain, I know), and there’s shooting stars up in the sky, and this crazy big movie screen in front of your face. You should make an effort and take in a drive-in before we are up to our necks in snow, man! Hurry!


Last chance! What did you do on your Summer Vacation?  Tweet: @mrwrongcolumn, email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com

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