This is the final installment of The Mr. Wrong Column for The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Fourteen and Zero Cents, and for me it’s a super-fun disco bonus on account of, owing to how our Calendar works this year, the issue number of the Printed-on-Paper Newspaper wrapped around this particular expression of The Mr. Wrong Column is No. 53, which is fun for you (I hope) because it means when normally you would have 52 opportunities, this year you are huffing the inky pages of a whole Extra Issue of City Paper, Baltimore’s Most Frequently Published Alternative Weekly, which of course means you are swilling an extra splash of The Mr. Wrong Column, and I get an Extra Paycheck! Arrooo!
How great is City Paper? It is a Free paper, don’t cost nothing for you to look at when you commit to getting ink on your fingers flipping pages waiting for the bus or some laundry or your next drink at a bar and grill. It costs equally nothing for you to enjoy City Paper on the internet, and they (and you know who They are; The Baltimore Sun Media Group) still pay me to file The Mr. Wrong Column on the weekly, can you Believe that? I know! It is truly A Miracle of The Holidays, made whole in the form of Dollars and Cents, plus tax, and as we put a period or exclamation point on the end of this Old Year, I would like to thank all of the Gentle Readers for dragging their eyeballs across the printed or pixelated internet letterforms of The Mr. Wrong Column. Thank you thank you thank you thankyouthankyou.
This particular aberration of the paper version of City Paper is publication-dated Dec. 31, 2014, so if you Get it Wednesday, I would like to wish a big fat Happy New Year’s Eve to you, and errbody else, Happy New Year! Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions?
I would like to sorta change how I do my own personal Resolutions for the New Year and just sorta turn the spyglass around the other way and look Backward into The Future, OK? This is my New Year’s Resolution Revolution, which totally makes the whole New Year’s Resolutions thing way more Positive, and not a deal where you make all these Resolutions and then sorta stop talking about ’em or just get kinda disappointed when you don’t quite get those Resolutions to Resonate.
Like, the big Resolution of my Revolution for 2014, looking forward from the back, would be—and I’m not sure how this is gonna happen—but I Resolve to not have my Day Job at City Paper. I mean, 25 years is enough, you know? Time to do something else! See? How great is that, in terms of Resolutions? I completed it backwards, har!
I also Revolutionarily Resolve to Exercise, but not like, a lot, because that would probably be too much, it should be just a little bit, every once in a while, the exercising, no need to be overzealous, let’s take it slow and see how we do with stuff like walking to the bar to enjoy a cocktail, as opposed to taking a cab, or the bus, which also leads me to my Resolution to not take the No. 27 Bus so much, but I had a lotta help with that one from the No. 27 Bus, dig? No. 27 Bus, I will wait for you so long in 2014 that I will forget what I was waiting for and just walk to wherever I was going.
Man, I dunno about you, but this new system for Resolving things from last year is making me feel wonderful, I’m not kidding, man, it’s all how you look at stuff, you know? As your Life Coach, I strongly urge you to take a look back on all the activities and experiences that you accomplished—whether you wanted to or not—in 2014 and turn it all into Accomplishments! You can gain weight! You can Exercise in Moderation more Moderately, as in less or not at all! Go to two-hour coffee-drinking“meetings” because you do not haz Day Job! Take way more naps because you do not haz Day Job! Go to three-hour lunches because you do not haz Day Job! More importantly, in terms of the Social Media, I also Retroactively Resolve to not use that “Like” button on The Facebook for the times when somebody would put up a The Facebook about their pet being recently deceased and I would second that emotion by clicking on the “Like” button. I am sorry your pet will die in 2014, I did not “Like” that your pet died, and I resolve to tell you that instead of being a click monkey.
I hope after you have figured out all the most effective Retro-Resolutions for your Old Year, that you find the sense of Satisfaction and Closure and Completion I have achieved in my Previous Year of Looking Forward from Behind. I also hope, looking back at my Top 10 column from two weeks ago (“It’s the Most Top 10 Time of the Year,” Mr. Wrong, Dec. 17, 2014) that you are making a personal list of your own personal and highly subjective Top 10s of 2014 and that you will send them to me at the below email address, and you might win a prize.
Getting back to one more Resonation of my Resolutions Revolution, I just realized I also Resolved in Retrospect to poop out more installments of The Mr. Wrong Column than have ever been published in a single year! Wowee! Happy Old Year!