Hey turkeys, next week is my absolute fave-rave Holiday of the entire Calendar, to wit: Thanksgiving, and I say this as an Evolved human being who has (I think) a Complete Understanding of how the Ultimate Lesson of the First Thanksgiving is about the Wampanoag, those folks who already lived here, the Indigenous Population, if you will? They shoulda murdered all those settlers and preserved the Indigenous Way of Life! Because that is The American Way! Build a wall! Those so-called “settlers” don’t have papers! Kill! Kill!
OK, so that didn’t happen, and now all that stuff is History, and now everything is OK. Well, OK, everything is not OK, that’s not true, but personally, I think we’re all supposed to learn from it, all of that History stuff, because we’re now supposedly all Americans up in here, so let’s move forward like adults, and I’m not saying forget any of that bad stuff, man, no way, We The People need to totally Remember all that crap, and at the same time, just because I’m telling you to remember to not forget Unfortunate Episodes in the History of Our Nation, it don’t mean you can’t have a nice Thanksgiving, you know? I think it’s called Cognitive Dissonance or something? To hold two sorta diametrically opposed thoughts in your head at the same time, such as “Hey, what a nice day it is today,” while you are also thinking, “Hey the sun could explode at any minute and incinerate the entire planet.” See? You can do that, because what are you gonna do, you know?
A whole buncha horrible things went on, and personally, I like to believe that more horrible things will not happen, and I Believe that, for reals, I think as a Race (Human) we can all figure a way out of conflicts and stuff, by using our Words, and then at the same time I read the newspaper and look at the fucking Internet, and I’m like, “Hey, Al Qaeda and ISIS just did a patch-over, we’re totally fucking doomed!”
So in that spirit, I would like to get back to my original half-thought, namely, the High Holiday of Eating known as Thanksgiving, and the Primary Sacrament of said holiday, some Turkey. I can hardly wait, man, seriously, I know I could go and buy a turkey right now, right this fucking minute, and go cook it and have a Thanksgiving-type meal, and for that I am Thanksgivingful, but I’m gonna wait. I’m gonna wait until it is actually Thanksgiving, and then I am going to enjoy a turkey, and I’m not kidding, I will attempt to eat one entire turkey all by myself, and if I can get it in my mouth whole, I’m halfway there, I even saw a documentary about this snake that can unhinge its jaw to eat a whole victim-animal, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be going to this Yoga school, where I think I am going to be able to learn how to do this, through Deep Concentration, I think. I’m pretty sure, anyway, I mean, the guy at this Yoga school said he doesn’t speak English, but I kept pointing to a picture of a snake I cut out of a magazine, then I opened my mouth really wide, and then I showed him a coupon I have for how if I buy $250 worth of groceries from this supermarket I will get a free turkey, and he shook his head in an affirmative manner.
Just kidding about eating that whole turkey whole, man, there’s bones and stuff, it’d kill me, but really, the Thanksgiving turkey and the gravy and the stuffing and the butter and the potatoes and the sweet potatoes and the gravy and the yams and the bread and the gravy and the cranberry-sauce Jell-O out of a can and the gravy and the three highballs I knock back before we eat because the fucking turkey still isn’t cooked yet are you kidding me how many hours has it been did you thaw the goddamn thing out completely I told you we shoulda started thawing it three days ago in the fridge like it said on the instructions or we woulda fucking bought a fresh turkey that wasn’t frozen so this wouldn’t happen again and no I can’t wait another hour to eat because we ran out of bourbon I’m not kidding seriously I am going to the Royal Farms store to buy some fucking chicken what’s the difference it’s a dead bird put some fucking gravy on it it’ll taste the same no I’m not gonna drive I told you I had five cocktails I’m gonna walk turkey doesn’t even taste like anything without gravy what’s the difference do you even know how those things are raised they don’t even have actual brains anymore they are just like a set of eyes and a beak on a slab of breast meat, that’s what will kill me, but it’ll take like 20 years, so I can hold that thought in my head, and have a great Thanksgiving, and after I eat too much I can lie on the floor like a wounded animal in a coma and pretend to pay attention to the football game until I get hungry again.
So look, I know I said we’re all doomed because of everything, but please to have some Thanksgiving, and be Thanksgivingful for every breath you take, every move you make, every cake you bake, and you can eat some vegetables for Thanksgiving and still have a Holiday, I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me, but I will judge you, of course, because that’s what we do, c’mon, but we’ll just be cool about it, and move forward as a Nation and have a Thanky Thanksgiving until the sun explodes, which won’t be for at least a few years, or maybe really soon, so c’mon, hurry up, let’s eat!