Next week is one of my High Holidays, one of the Holiest of Holies, one of the Most Important Days in the runup to Groundhog Day, man, yeah, seriously, next week—Sunday, specifically—is Super Bowl! Arrroooo! Sunday is, incidentally, the First Day of the Week, OK? I don’t care what the International Standards Organization says about Monday, and look, the Last Day of the Week is Friday, in case you were wondering about that. And I didn’t forget about Saturday, because Saturday is the Mystery Day, which makes it My Favorite Day of The Week, FYI, except for next week and next week only, because next week is Super Bowl! Sunday!
Roman Numerals, man, that’s one of the reasons Super Bowl is so Important and American, because as much as I don’t enjoy Math, I’m always ready to do some cipherin’ to figure out which letter-numbers this Super Bowl is! XLIX! Quadragesimus Nonus! My head hurts from all this Learning, but I gotta know exactly which Super Bowl it is! Super Bowl XLIX is stretching my brain in new and uncomfortable directions! X equals 10, and it’s not even algebra! Ouch!
The American part of Super Bowl is that Football is Commodified Ritual Warfare, packaged for The Masses as part of the Opiate of Bread and Circuses, also known as Panem et Circenses, which was, not coincidentally, invented by those wonderful folks who gave us the Roman Numerals and Gladiator Movies and all that, and it’s all about the ritualistic display of Military Power, man, that’s why Super Bowl always has a flyover by some War planes, and that’s why the announcers always remind us that the Armed Forces are tuning in, although that part always makes me kinda nervous, because I think that’s when The Enemy will attack, when the totality of the Raw Power of the United States of America is paying attention to The Game, you know? But then I have a coupla beers and there’s been some commercials to argue about, which ones are good, which ones were a waste of kabillions of dollars, and I eat some chili and start to feel, I dunno, it’s either Complacent, or maybe Secure? I can’t figure it out, I just sorta end up in a state of Inebriation, that’s it, that’s the feeling, Alcohol and Complacence combinated! Alco-Placencey! That’s when Super Bowl kicks in and I figure, ahhhhhh, there’s gotta be enough soldiers out there who don’t care about Super Bowl, or who really do wanna watch, but are willing to keep their eyes open because it is their Duty, and that is when I hope those soldiers are the ones paying attention to all the radars and whatever stuff for which We The People are paying out the big Defense Tax Dollars, you know? For the Nation! Somebody in Uniform is Out There taking one for The Team! Watching the sonars and the border walls so we can watch The Game! Super Bowl! Forty Nine! Snack foods!
I know there are some out there who want to move Super Bowl to Saturday, or to make the Monday after Super Bowl some kinda Holiday, but that completely deflates the purpose of Super Bowl Sunday, and here’s why, are you gonna destroy your liver any more than you already do now, when you know the day after Super Bowl is I Don’t Like Mondays? Of course not. I contend that for many Alco-Americans, the thrill of hurting themselves on Super Bowl Sunday is exactly because they have a built-in Punishment, waiting for them Monday. It’s a Puritannical thing, I think.
Speaking of The Game—and I wasn’t—who even fucking cares? I mean, I don’t care who’s playing, it’s Super Bowl! This year, though, I know one of the teams playing, it is The New England Patriots, which, come on, what’s with this “The New England” business? I mean, jeez, lock it down and take a stand, name a city, or a state, at least! Second of all, these guys are cheaters, no offense, and whatever you wanna think right now with the Pounds Per Square Inch inside their footballs, there are all these previous News Items about how one time the Patriots broke the rules and made videos of opponents’ defensive signals, and another time they cleared snow off the field just in time for their kicker-guy to kick the ball or something, it’s just a General Pattern of cheating, but now I’m thinking on America, man, and it’s about winning at all costs! These guys are named The Patriots, which is the most Patriotic team name in the whole National Football Administration or whatever, more than Eagles, more than Buffaloes or whatever they have in Buffalo, and certainly more than The Jets, which I’m pretty sure is a Gang Name. I just Googled who the other team is this year in Super Bowl, it is the Seahawks. What have they done for The Nation, you know?
Meanwhile, the other Super-American thing about Super Bowl XLIX Inc. is that Super Bowl is the Number One most gambled-on Sporting Event in the United States, and the most Super Bowl way to gamble on Super Bowl is to get in on one of those grid things where you pay money and pick squares and then numbers are randomly assigned and then you spend the game rooting for a digit! No loyalty, no team, you cheer for your square at the intersection of a pair of single-digit numbers! Three! Come on Three! Eight! Math! You can also bet on the Coin Toss and if somebody will screw up the National Anthem, and as far as the game itself, there isn’t even much of a Point Spread right now, so I think I’m gonna take whatever action I can get and pick the Patriots to win, for the Spirit of America, and I hope you enjoy the game, or enjoy not watching it, which is your Right as an American. Thank you.