Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: Onward to kill winter for the victory of the groundhog

City Paper

I am kinda proud of my the way My Fellow Baltimoreans have been handling this brutal Winter we are almost quit of, seriously. Other Winters, there’s been a lotta Snow Panic, and people running around going “Bread! Milk! Toilet Paper!” which results in the grocery store being stripped bare of the aforementioned items, which is a pain in the ass if you had a genuine non-hoarding need for some panem or butt-wipe, but this year the only thing I noticed cleaned out from the shelves has been rock salt and other ice-melting stuff, and it makes me feel good to think Baltimore has decided to stop being afraid of Winter and to start punching back.

This stupid fucking Winter has been kicking our ass, man, and I am sure the People of Baltimore join me, at least in some manner of analogous thinking, if not thinking this out loud: Fuck this Winter! Fuck you Winter! I throw rock salts in your face! This is for the Groundhog! Die, Winter, die! With a shovel, I beat you back to your Frozen Hell! Die! Die! Die!

So, good for you Baltimore! Don’t take any shit from The Elements! Like the famous Red Chinese Chairman Mao said, “ren ding shengtian,” which I think means ONWARD TO KILL WINTER FOR THE VICTORY OF THE GROUNDHOG, but you could Google that shit.

When I said I was kinda proud of My Fellow Baltimoreans, I need to amend that statement to read I am mostly proud of how Winter has been confronted on the part of My Fellow Citizens of The City That Puts a Chair Out to Save a Parking Space, which, personally, I don’t do, but I have Ample Parking in my neighborhood, and I could stand to walk an extra block or two, if you know what I mean, pounds-wise. Plus, I have perfected an extremely minimal-exertion method of freeing my Honda Civic from the snow, or the piled-up gray, garbage-y product deposited by the Snowplows, which, sidebar, no complaints this year, thanks Snowplows, and thanks to the Dep’t of PW for topping off those yellow salt box boxes out on the streets, it made a difference when I couldn’t find any more rock salt at the local stores.

Things I am Less-Than proud of are generally with respect to the Humans of Baltimore and how they deal with the Redistribution of the fallen Snow Particles. When you shovel your fucking car out, don’t put the snow in the middle of the street! That can fuck up some other motorist’s day! Also, when you dig out your car, don’t put the fucking snow in front of somebody else’s car! Now the snow will have to be shoveled again! Put it on a spot where nobody will need to move it, like that little patch of space between the street and the sidewalk, or yeah, you might have to schlep it across the street, to get it outta everybody’s way. Be a Good Citizen and Neighbor! Also! Shovel your fucking walk, man, it’s not that hard to just clear a single shovel’s width on your sidewalk for all the people who have to walk places. The whole reason people are out on the streets walking during the Winter is because of people who don’t clear their walk! And put some rock salt! The City puts it out for you in the boxes! Go get some before it fucking snows! It works! It keeps people from falling and hurting themselves! If you live in an Apartment, and “nobody” fucking shovels, BE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE and shovel in front of your building! You have a Lease, and chances are unless you live in a huge building, you’re not getting Snow Removal from your Landlord. I see blocks where every house is shoveled and then I see the Rentals, and it’s a fucking hazard, and it Defeats Its Own Purpose! Shovel! I don’t care if your neighbor across the hall is a lazy piece of crap!

Anyway, I shovel my walk and the walk in front of the Vacant next door to me, and getting back to that Baltimore street-chair, I know exactly where I need to shovel to get my car out—and more importantly where I do not have to shovel—so a couple-few tosses of snow, and then it’s all about the Front Wheel Drive, yo, I’m out, and hey, if I come home later and somebody’s car in my spot, I don’t lose my mind about it. Maybe when I am less Able-Bodied I will put out a chair, and shake my fist, but for now I’m cool with somebody “stealing” my space on the Public street. You do you, though, OK? Go ahead and put the chair. For me, it’s fun seeing how errbody decides to make that THIS IS MY FUCKING PARKING SPACE statement, not to mention how Fancy some of the chairs are, wow! It’s like, really, you’re OK with that nice Mid-Century Modern joint being out there in The Elements? Damn, I’d never let that one outta the house. The Chairs! They make me laugh, which improves my mood about the whole Winter thing, you know? I have the Seasonal Affected Deficit or whatever! Laughing is good! As a Value-Added salute to People of The Chair, I have offered up my photo collection of a Winter’s worth of the Chair practice, via a group I have entitled reserved, which can be found at/on/in/via citypaper.com/reserved.

Also, in terms of shoveling out my ride, I don’t have a Day Job anymore (it’s approximately my one-year anniversary of that) so I don’t always need to go shovel out my car right way, you know? That’s where the whole Chair idea comes in handy! I just put one on top of my car so I can find it when I finally need to drive someplace. Usually to the store for some TP. 


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