Did you see this thing about how the WHO, which is the World Health Organization, which has this cancer part called The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), told The People of Earth that Meat gives you cancer? Yeah man, they got it all broken down into regular Red Meat, which does not include Chicken or Fish but does include Lamb, Beef, and Pork (so there goes your "The Other White Meat" slogan), but also Processed Meat (which, like Dog Food, sometimes contains Meat By-Products, and includes all the stuff you already kinda know is not exactly Health Food, such as Hot Dogs, and Beef Jerky, and Salami, and Bacon, big surprise), and the Good News is Red Meat is not as Bad For You as Processed Meat, but the Bad News is, Processed Meat is listed as "carcinogenic to humans," and Red Meat is "probably carcinogenic to humans," yow!
There's no way this can be a shock to anybody, though, right? In this Day and Age, when there's all this News about how most of the food we eat is killing us, either because of what it's made out of, or how it is made? You know, like all this stuff about Eggs? The kind that come out of Chickens, and how you should get the kinda Eggs that are squeezed out by Chickens who eat an Organic diet, not to mention they (The Chickens) need to be the kind that get to go outside and walk around and not be in a cage? I mean, it makes sense that if the Chicken that popped out the building blocks of your Sunday Brunch Omelet ate a nice Healthy and Natural diet, then you are gonna get some nice Healthy eggs, plus, they probably taste way better than some eggs you got for a dollar a dozen, right? You can always tell a cheap egg at the grocery store, man, they are either in flimsy foam boxes or, less frequently, in classic Egg Carton-type egg cartons, made outta cheapo cardboard. I Believe that, man, the Luxury eggs are better for you than the affordable eggs, don't try and tell me there's no difference getting an egg out of a Chicken that had a good life before it was played out from making eggs and then ended up, I dunno where, where do tired Chickens go? I know they don't get to go to a Retirement Community, man, I'm betting the last stop is McNuggets.
So getting back to getting killed with cancer from your Meats and Processed Meats, I totally believe that, it's pretty much how it works now, you gotta pay more to eat better, it's pretty simple Business Math, it's cheaper to make cheap garbage-y fuel than it is to make some food that is Good for you. C'mon, look at how many different kinds of Jerky you can get at the 7-Eleven, man, and how many of those Big Bite® Hot Dogs you can get at that very same 7-Eleven for a low discount price. Sometimes they are like a buck a dog, man, for the quarter-pound ones, nobody's selling you that much food that cheap because it's Good for you, you know that, even if you are like "We all die from something, Life gives you cancer," you know that the food that gets shat out of these fast-food places is cheap fuel provided by The Man to keep you alive just long enough to die at your job, right?
It's the only logical conclusion I can draw after years of asking for a Manhattan Project of Vegetable Food, like, for Our Government to come up with plant-based food items that can help people who are out feeding at these hog troughs where they think they are saving money on getting their stomach filled. Have you ever been to the Golden Corral? If there was ever a place that looked like it was part of the Space-Alien Conspiracy to fatten up the Populace for eventual slaughter as an Interplanetary Food Supply, it's the Golden Corral. That's the place that used to advertise the Chocolate Fountain! All You Can Eat! They have really good Fried Chicken there, though, jeez.
Look, I'm not asking the Government to do this because I am some big Humanitarian or friend to the Animals, I'm asking because I have a serious Beefaroni dependency, and while I'm pretty sure the 'roni part isn't Super Healthy, I think the Beef part is definitely Poisonous, but I can't resist it, man, I mean, I can stay away from it for a few weeks, but then I'm walking down the aisle minding my own business at the Grocery Store and there's a rack of cans of Chef Boyardee on sale, and the next thing I know I'm rolling out with a buncha cans of canned macaroni, you know? How terrible is that even as an idea, Canned Macaroni? But I can't help it. I mean, most Drugs are terrible in concept, but that doesn't stop people from getting Addicted to them. And don't tell me about Legumes and stuff! If you can make Beefaroni outta Legumes, I'll eat it, but only if it tastes like Beefaroni, OK? I even tried the Whole Wheat Beefaroni, which is awful, and again, I think the Time and Energy that The United States of America directed at making a Bigger Bomb, well, that kind of effort needs to be channeled into making some goddamn fucking Beefaroni that doesn't have cancer-Meat inside it, for me, and for all Americans. Also: Pastrami. Thank you.
Meat Mail: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278