Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

I'm Hungry

Seriously, I could eat right now, I mean, I just ate, but that was a mere Breaking of the Fast after my sleep period, which is anywhere from zero to 12 hours, depending, and that can be a long time, fasting, getting my Beauty Rest, you know? Today for Breakfast I enjoyed a Banana, a Coca-Cola®, and a Prevacid®, under the Advice of My Physician. Well, not the Coca-Cola® part, no offense. Usually for Breakfast I enjoy some of that trendy Greek Yogurt errbody is eating, and that can be very Healthful if you put some Nutrition in there, like some Blueberries or Walnuts, those are better for you than Peanuts or Almonds or whatever, I think. It’s amazing how filling that stuff is, the Yogurt, plus, I like to think of it as having Pudding for Breakfast. That would be a good Advertising Campaign, for real, a Typical Breakfast Family all getting ready for their big Typical Day, and they are all enjoying Yogurt, and the Announcer is like, “Yogurt. It’s like having Pudding for Breakfast!” Who doesn’t want that? And everybody is smiling and Typical, whatever that is. Man, I could go for some Breakfast Pudding® right now! Maybe some Almond Butter and Honey mixed in there, that’s kinda healthy, I think Almond Butter is better for you than Peanut Butter, also, if you can get some Almond Butter. If you can only get the regular Peanut Butter, you should buy the kind that is comprised solely of smashed-up peanuts and maybe some salt. Don’t eat that Name-Brand shit, man, it’s full of Ingredients, seriously, you want it to be simple, and you will get used to it and realize the other stuff tastes like Smooth Death.

But getting back to my new invention of Breakfast Pudding®, a lotta people who are on the Healthy bandwagon would never admit that having some Yogurt is like eating Pudding, because that sounds too good, seriously, I think a lot of these Health nuts want you to Suffer, you know? Don’t enjoy food! Eat Legumes and stuff, no Salty, no Sweet! Nothing! Drink strained Juice and have a Juice Fast with just Vitamins and Minerals in your Juice Fast! You can’t have Pudding for Breakfast! Healthy people would say it’s because of the Bacteria or whatever in the Cultures, the Biotics and stuff, for your Digestion, and that’s why they would have some Yogurt. Which is true, but who wants to think about Bacterias in their Food-Tube, you know? Not me, man. Pudding! 

Meanwhile, look, just because I’m having a soda pop with my Prevacid® doesn’t mean I don’t take my Nutrition seriously, but I’m not gonna feel guilty about Enjoying Life with some Coca-Cola®, but I do wish it was a little cheaper to get the kind without the High-Fructose Corn Syrup in it, you know? I have discussed this before, but I think there’s a racket going on with this whole so-called Mexican Coca-Cola® coming from Mexico, and how it’s Mexican and the only way you can get a Coca-Cola® without High Fructose Corn Syrup in it. This stuff costs like a buck a bottle even at the Price Club, man, and meanwhile you go to the supermarket and the Regular kind, with Corn Syrup, is like four 12-packs of cans on sale for nine bucks sometimes, but you have to buy four 12-packs, and that’s how The Man gets you to Consume, see? You gotta hoard 48 cans of soda and turn where you live into a fucking Warehouse, and then there’s all this soda pop sitting around, so you drink it! But enough about me and my Breakfast of Champions, let’s talk about Lunch, OK? 

I arose kinda late today, so I just got Breakfast in under the wire, Noonwise, so I think it’s important to stay on a good schedule with the eating, you don’t want to stress your System, that is my Personal Belief, so, I mean, what are we talking about for Lunchie, something good, like a nice Club Sandwich or some French Onion Soup or something? A Hot Dog? Man, I love Hot Dogs, and I don’t agree with people who say you shouldn’t put ketchup on ’em, man, I think this is America, and you should put whatever the fuck you want on your Hot Dog; Ketchup, Mustard, Boiled Cabbage (aka: Kraut), a Scrambled Egg, Cheese, Peppers, even another fucking Hot Dog man, express yourself, and don’t let some fucking Purist tell you what to put on your Hot Dog, I mean, we’re talking about a goddamn Hot Dog, do know what these things are made of? Do you haz Internet? Tube Steaks! Not some Le Cordon Blue crap with Truffle Oil and stuff, but hey, if you want to put Truffle Oil on your Hot Dog, go for it. Man, I’m hungry, talking about this, howabout you? Do you ever notice when you are talking about Nutrition and Healthy Eating, you are frequently engaged in this activity when you are in front of a Hot Turkey Sandwich with Gravy or an otherwise frowned-upon item? Whatever, I could go for a Hot Dog and some Cole Slaw, that’s like a perfect pair of Foods to eat, because the Healthiness of the Cole Slaw cancels out the Hotdogness of the Hot Dog, you know? As your Nutrition Advisor, I am telling you to skip the French Fries when you have a Hot Dog for lunch and have something that cancels it out, like a Cruciferous Vegetable, to wit: Cabbage, which is the Active Ingredient frequently found in Cole Slaw, especially if you can get the kind that isn’t all swimming in Mayonnaise or that “Salad Dressing” shit, that stuff is poison, man, no offense, get you some Mayo at least, on your Cole Slaw, but I think the Healthiest way to go is the kind that has Vinegar in it, which is also healthy because it kinda tastes bad, probably. Also, when you buy a box of Kraft Cheese Dinner, don’t buy the Dinosaur or Sponge-Bob shape, those are not as healthy as the regular Macaroni-shape, and the way to get those MorningStar Farms fake Sausage patties to taste good is fry ’em in fucking butter. Thank you.

What are you doing on your summer vacation? Tweet: @mrwrongcolumn,
email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com

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