If you read the Mr. Wrong column in the form in which it is reproduced on newsprint, you might possibly be reading this steaming-fresh loaf of The Mr. Wrong Column on Christmas Eve, on account of the Publication Date of this issue is Dec. 24, 2014, so I would like to wish you a big fat Happy Merry as we slide down the chimney into the most dissociative stretch of The Holidays, between Xmas and New Year’s, when Time and the Calendar of days with numbers on them begin to lose all meaning and stuff either stretches out endlessly like the Major Motion Picture “Interstellar” because you are at your job, or everything goes by way too fast (like the Major Motion Picture “Interstellar”) because you are taking some time off and you’re already feeling a little ill about Jan. 2 or whenever you gotta go back to work, bleah ho ho. So in that Spirit, I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas Eve, and a Merry Xmas, in my capacity as a Roman Catholic Who Does Not Go to Church a Whole Hell of a Lot. Happy Ho Ho.
Look, most of the time when I write “Christmas,” with a crayon, in my crude all-caps handwriting, or peck it out on my Google Chromebook, I spell it “Xmas,” and every once in a while somebody gives me a hard time about it, like I’m having a War on Christmas, or more specifically a War on the Christ part of Christmas, but personally I think Jesus X is a lovely fellow, and I agree with many of his philosophies, and wish more people who claim to Worship Him would do the same, and I’m more than happy to enjoy the Holiday he invented, and the Lowest Common Denominator part of it, which is: Peace, and then after that I’m down with Santa and Krampus and Rudolph and Egg Nog and the Grinch and Charlie Brown, and the Virgin Mary, for the most part, as far as her being the original Mary Christmas and an Unwed Mother I am sympathetic toward, and then I support all the Foods of Xmas, and that goes double for the drinking, and yes, make that a Double, and I am in favor of listening to and singing at all kinds of corny-ass Christmas Carols and Holiday-related music, thank you very much, and I watch the Yule Log on teevee, and if you put me on a Lie Detector machine and asked me if I Believed in Jesus Christmas and Santa, I would say Yes, and it would be true, because that is how I have been programmed, so please to Respect my Cultural Conditioning, and in this Country, everybody gets whatever Holiday they want, and you get to Choose Your Own Holiday Adventure, and when I say Happy Holidays, I mean all of ’em, at the same time, and when I say Merry Xmas, I mean Peace on Earth and the Goodwill, and be nice to each other and let’s have another Irish Coffee and some cookies for breakfast because this is America, goddammit, so shoutout to Tiny Tim and God Bless Us Every One, even if you don’t Believe in one, and that includes the rest of the Planet, because that’s what We (as in U.S.) are supposed to be doing, exporting Democracy or something like it, and some Peace, right? But seriously, if I’m Kim Jong Un and some jackasses in Hollywood make a movie about killing me? I’m hacking that shit! Electronic Warfare! I don’t care if he is a brutal ruthless dictator, I understand the reaction, man, you mess with the Bull, sometimes you get the Horns! Sony, you shoulda been ready, but it has been fun reading all those wacky emails, wow. I’m looking forward to seeing that movie, though, just saying. I also hope KJU writes a review of it on Yelp or that Rotten Tomato movie site.
Anyway, getting back to Xmas Eve, I always defend my use of Xmas with this li’l bit of Knowledge, which is very Ancient, from Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Democracy, info which is also available on the Wikipedia, to wit:
There is a common belief that the word Xmas stems from a secular attempt to remove the religious tradition from Christmas by taking the “Christ” out of “Christmas”, but its use dates back to the 16th century.
I didn’t know about that “Xtemass” one, though, I like that! I might start using it, on account of it looks like a new flavor of Mountain Dew, eh? But you should not drink Mountain Dew, because it has Brominated Vegetable Oil in it, that stuff is not good for you, seriously, my Xtemass Gift to you, as your Medical Advisor, is that you should not drink Mountain Dew, OK? Or at least cut down, that could be one of your New Year’s Resonations, which we will explore in next Week’s Mr. Wrong Column, the Final Mr. Wrong Column—of 2014, I mean, I mean, I hope, just of the year and not Forever, yikes—dated Dec. 31, 2014. Thank you.