Hey Baltimore, next week is my fave-rave time of the year, the Best episode of Baltimore’s Best Alternative Weekly, namely, City Paper’s Best of Baltimore, a year’s worth of paper stuffed into one big fun-filled fact-filled periodical.
Please please please to not confuse the City Paper Best of Baltimore with any of those other so-called Bests (of Baltimore), because the City Paper one has the thing I Believe makes it the Best of the Best of Baltimores, to wit, the Most of Baltimore. C’mon, you’ve seen those other alleged Bests, they are never ever as giant-sized or as Best as the City Paper Best of Baltimore, I’m not kidding man, if you are a Consumer (Valued Reader) of the Print version of City Paper, strap on your warehouse worker lifting-belt back support, because you will be clean-and-jerking (make sure to bend your knees) the Heaviest edition of the year, hundreds of pages of stuff that is the Best of Baltimore. Plus ads, naturellement.
People (The Valued Readers of City Paper) can’t wait to get their hands on this issue of the paper, to dive in and find out about some Person, Place, Thing, or Restaurant, that is Best for some reason, and then the Readers (The People) are like, “yeah, that Person, Place, Thing, Restaurant, or Band is totally the Best, it’s about time somebody published the Truth! Nice going, City Paper!” Conversely, The Valued Readers of City Paper can’t wait to get their eyeballs on this issue of the paper, to dive in and find out about some Person, Place, Thing, Restaurant, Band, or Artistic Experience, and then The People (Readers) are like, “What the?!? That Person, Place, Thing, Restaurant, Band, Artistic Experience, or flavor of Beer totally sucks! How could City Paper do that? How dare you! What about this great thing I know about that is the Best of Baltimore? City Paper, you don’t know anything about what is Best of Baltimore!”
And those are just the Best of Baltimore parts that are written by The Writers of City Paper (a group in which I am included, despite what you may have heard about me, I am writer), there is also the Readers Poll, which is all about you, the Valued Reader of Baltimore’s Best Weekly Newspaper Alternative to Reading a Daily Newspaper by Which it is Owned, and in a recently instituted Two-Stage system, the First Round of votes from you, The Valued Reader (The People), are already in, with a Second Round of voting possibly still underway, so you can see the top vote-getters from a wide-open poll (First Stage), now winnowed down to the Second Stage, a field of top contenders for Bestness, picked by you, The People (Readers), to be voted on by you, The Readers (People), for the purposes of crowning a whole new year’s worth of The Best, of Baltimore.
I think about Best of Baltimore all year long, and it’s hard for me to remember many Readers do not have the same sense of Ownership of Best of Baltimore, but they should, because they control the Readers Poll. Every year! The Readers control the Means of Production of the Readers Poll!
So, Valued Reader, what are your Bests of Baltimore? Did you go to citypaper.com/bob/poll to vote in the First Round of the City Paper Best of Baltimore Internet Polls? There might still be time to vote in that Second Round if it’s not after Sept. 12 when you are reading this, so you could go click to there right now and do your click-click-vote, as a Reader of City Paper, for the part of Best of Baltimore that is all You, the poll that is named after the Readers.
Personally, I dunno, it might be beyond your control, how you react to stuff that ends up being Best of Baltimore, you might be coming from a place of anger, but I don’t think you should get all mad and outraged if your pick, the Person, Place, Thing, Haircut, Dog Food store, Haberdashery, Appetizer Made From Legumes, Band, Underpants, Chicken Wing, etc., whatever that you think is Best of Baltimore in the Year of Our Lord 2014 did not get voted Best of Baltimore by others, because this difference of opinion means there is a Chance to use the moment, your moment of bad surprise, disappointment, sense of injustice—and yeah, possibly, a bucketload of palpable, seething Anger—as an Opportunity to Engage in Dialogue, or Social Intercourse, if you will, with other People (Valued Readers plus Editors and Writers of assorted Value of City Paper, Baltimore’s Alternative Weekly Not Made From Legumes) who exercised other opinions, opinions contrary to what you think is Best, of Baltimore. It’s Democracy, man, and it requires Participation, not just after-Best complaining, OK? Comment in the Comments thing (that works again, on the City Paper Web site), write an email, send a letter, phone the Editor, make a Tweet to @City_Paper or Facebook, sure, but this is also perhaps your Moment to reach out, Engagement-wise, and connect, publicly or privately, with individuals (Readers) who share your opinions but maybe need to be Energized into voting in the next Best of Baltimore Readers Poll, and so when you react to next week’s Best of Baltimore, and you see an Improvement Opportunity, you can do it wholistically, channeling your communications with an eye toward becoming an Active part of the Best of Baltimore process, possibly alerting the world of Best of Baltimore to something that was, in your opinion overlooked, or underappreciated, and then Next Year, in the next gigantor volume of Best of Baltimore, your Best could be Best! Thank You.
Also, there will be no Mr. Wrong Column next week. I am getting jammed out of a payday on account of stupid fucking Best of Baltimore. Thank you.