Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

The Late Mr. Wrong Column

I lost my Day Job back in March, and since then, I have been Getting Paid a la carte, if you will, for various products that come out of my brain and hands, and sure, go ahead and make a joke about other places where stuff comes out, and that’s where the Mr. Wrong Columns come out of, har de har har, and that’s cool, I complain about lots of stuff, but I’m not complaining about how I make money now, I am totally grateful to anybody who signs a check with my name on the pay to the order of line, for reals, and I gotta tell you, not having a Day Job is kinda fun, I get to go have lunch and sit around at places and drink coffee and stuff, and I’m never late for anything, and I can go to the movies in the middle of the day and get the Matinee, but for me, the weird part of being what they call a “Freelancer” is that I always forget what day of the week it is, I’m not kidding, when I used to work in an office, I was pretty good at being aware of what day of the week it was, as far as how, like, if it was Monday, I would go to the office and stuff, you know? If any of the Gentle Readers of the Mr. Wrong Column are Freelancers or whatever, do you ever forget what day of the week it is? I’m starting to have a real problem with this, even though I am surrounded by stuff that tells me what day it is, calendars with the days of the week and the month and stuff, and devices that know what time and day it is and stuff. I’m not a hypochondriac or anything, but I’m starting to wonder if I have a Vitamin Deficiency or a tumor or something pressing on the part of my mind that remembers what day it is, can that happen? Is that a thing? If you are a Doctor of Medicine, in terms of being a Physician, please write in to the Mr. Wrong Column and tell me if that is a thing.

The Editor emailed me on Monday and he was like WHY WE NO HAZ COLUMN, and it was because on Friday, I realized it was not Thursday, I mean, I thought all day on Friday that it was Thursday, seriously, and then I remembered I needed to unload my column onto a computer, and so I emailed The Editor and told him I would send the Mr. Wrong Column on Saturday and I apologized and stuff, for the Late, but then after I did all that stuff I had a Weekend, and a misplaced feeling of Completion, and so I forgot again about filing a column, because it’s just laying there in my brain, and I don’t really feel the difference between the stuff in my brain and the stuff I dump onto a computer, you know? So anyway, then I decided to make that my Topic for this week, which is sort of a look Inside the workings of the Mr. Wrong Column, instead of what I was gonna do, so I have an extra one up there, a column, but that’s not always good, because sometimes I do a whole column in my head, or I dream one, and then I forget it. But anyway, even if you can’t tell because you are reading this in The Future, sorry for the Late.

At the same time, I kinda don’t know exactly how interesting it is for you to read about the Process of manufacturing the Mr. Wrong Column, so you might wanna just go ahead and skip over the rest of this, seriously, you can go read something else now if you want, but the way it works is usually I walk around with it in my head for a while (the column), along with lots of other fun ideas, they are like little voices, little recordings that play all the time, in my head, along with music and clips from TV shows and stuff, and then like a day or two before I am supposed to file the Mr. Wrong Column, I sit down at my computer and peck at the keyboard, with two or three fingers, I am not the best Typist in the world, so that’s the hardest part of crapping out the Mr. Wrong Column, the actual Typing of the letters, the pressing of the tips of my fingers onto the keyboard to spell out the words and make the column, and I stop every once in a while to count the words to make sure there are enough of them, because I think as a Column, you should always provide lots of words, so that it looks full, you know? Packed with Content! If some Editor wants to take out a few of the words, I’m cool with that, to make it fit, but I consider it a point of pride as far as being a Professional, to Always Be Columning too many words, you know? Quantity! More is More! I am Pro!

OK, so, right now, I am gonna look at the Word Counter thing (Ctrl+Shift+C) on my computer to see how many words I have crapped out so far, hold on a sec, I’ll be right back.

Wow, it’s like 850 words already! That’s pretty good, man, sometimes it seems like I am typing for a long time, and I go to the Word Counter and check it, and it’s like 200 words or something, and I’m like “jeez, I have been typing on this keyboard forever, man, how is it only 200 words? My fingers are tired!” I need to get one of those computer Apps that records your voice when you talk into it, that would be a pretty cool way to do the Mr. Wrong Column, I think. I wish I could get a recording of the voices in my head.

To see the image that almost ran in place of this week’s very, very late Mr. Wrong column, go to citypaper.com/almostwrong
email wrongcolumn@gmail.com

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