Hey everybody, Happy The Holidays! Are you enjoying any The Holidays this year? The Holidays are in full effect now, and you will hear of Shopping and rumors of Shopping. The Holidays! There are Religious Overtones to some of The Holidays, but you don't have to pay attention to any of that, because this Country was founded on the Principle of Freedom from Everything, and you don't have to Believe in Santa Claus, or the Calendar, or anything, man, but if you are really dedicated to Not Believing in stuff, this can be a difficult Time of Year for you, I can sympathize with you and your Feelings, really, even if I decide to have some The Holidays this year, I support you in your Disbelief, but at the same time, don't get mad at me if I wish you a Happy The Holidays, OK? I'm just expressing myself freely and if you tell me that you aren't into my The Holidays, that's OK, but I'm not gonna retract any statements of Positivity and Well-Wishing, just saying, you're stuck with it.
You realize all this The Holidays stuff won't blow over until next year, man, can you believe it? It's a lotta days now of The Media (of which The Mr. Wrong Column is a part, har!) agonizing over how the Shopping is going. How did "Black Friday" go, was it "In The Black" enough, profit-ink-wise? And the "Small Business Saturday," was it better than Small? And then "Cyber Monday," which is not holding up too well as a specific Thing, I don't think, on account of Every Day is Cyber Day, right?
I got annoyed today, at The Holidays, when I was listening to the radio, because there was an interview with a couple of people who were being interviewed for the sole reason that they went to do Shopping in their pajama bottoms and slippers. That's why they were Remarkable, they were out there Consuming, and they wanted to be comfortable, they said, so they showed up in the middle of the night to be part of "Black Friday" or "Midnight Madness," or whatever it was being called when for the occasion of a store being open in the middle of the night so people could Shop, and they did not change completely out of their cozy sleepwear. I think a lot of right-thinking Citizens will agree with me that even though this is America, and you can dress pretty much any way you want as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, going out in your PJs is not cool. I can't help it, I take a dim view of people who go out in Public in their sleepers, it just bugs me, for some reason, it's like, I can't even support it with Facts, you know? There's just something childish about wearing your pajamas in the open air.
But those half-dressed goofballs aren't gonna ruin my The Holidays, and look, yeah, it's The Holidays, but you don't have to, OK? Just like you can wear your stupid pajamas in public, you can Excuse Yourself from The Holidays any time you want, seriously, there's no reason why you have to be like all the other Lemmings and do The Holidays just because they are Now. Remember, this is America, where the Rights of the Individual are supposed to be Protected, and if you decide to not have any The Holidays, you can do that and not worry about any Reprisals, except in people's minds when they are Judging you like the way I judge people walking around in PJ bottoms and slippers in Public.
Do what you want! It's like, this year, for me, at Thanksgiving, one of my fave The Holidays. I can't ever recall a time when I did not want to strap on the feed bag and enjoy Thanksgravy, and this year I decided to go out to a restaurant and not cook anything, just for something a little different, but I kinda felt bad at the restaurant, because some of the people who were working didn't look super thrilled to be there, and I don't know if the place where I went had Volunteers for working Thanksgiving or what, but there were a lot of people working, so I figured they couldn't all be there because they wanted to be, you know? But anyway, I made myself feel better by tipping super hard, because Money Changes Everything, right? I mean, I usually am a 20 percent tipper, but I went Above and Beyond and tipped an even hunski for a 300-dollar tab, and yeah, I'm patting myself on the back for it, man, I bet I brightened somebody's day and made them a tiny bit Thanksgivingful, and I didn't even look to see if there was a built-in gratuity on the bill, that's how dedicated I was to the Concept of Overtipping. I was Thanksgivingful for the opportunity to Overtip, and I was Thanksgivingful for myself, for being a good person, and modest.
So look, as much as I enjoy Thanksgiving I will defend your Right to not do it next time, if you don't want it. Personally, I know a guy who does not like Thanksgiving and goes to Canada every year because they (and you know who They are) have Thanksgiving in October or something, so when he goes to Canada, it's Thursday, not Thanksgiving, and you can do that, you can go to Canada in your Mind and not have any The Holiday you do not want. That is my The Holidays Wish for you: If you don't want it, you don't have to have any. You're welcome.
Mail: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278