Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: It is Always Sports Season Everywhere

Mr. Wrong: It is Always Sports Season Everywhere

As your Personal Adviser, I am totally advising you that you have to examine yourself every once in a while, and I'm not talking about what you're supposed to do in the shower, which you should of course do, I am talking about your Mental Hygiene, inside your Brain, OK? Examine your brain! What is it doing? You need to be like "Hey Brain, c'mon, man, let's check us out, it's gonna be weird, but it'll makes us better!"

Doing a Self-Brain Check is way better than that crap that comes up at the End of The Year, when you decide you are going to have a buncha New Year's Resolutions, because that's what Everybody does for New Years, c'mon, don't go along with that, don't be a willing grain of sand in The Man's hourglass, be your own Self and listen to me as I tell you what you should do!

OK, so, do you have any habits or habitual things you do? You gotta reset that stuff every now and then, like, if you go to work at your job via the same exact way every time, you are totally in a Rut, even if you have found the most Optimum and Efficient way to get from your A to your B, you should go a different way every now and then and see a different view outside of your Habit Trail! That's where Hamsters and Gerbils go, the Habitrail Tube! Don't go down the Tube!

I know that not every habit is a Bad one, but most of the time a Habit is a thing you do uh, habitually, I mean you don't think about it, you just do it. Wait, I mean, don't Just Do It! That's a stupid Advertising Slogan! They (and you know who They are) want you to buy sneakers and so-called Fitness Apparel so then you can go and Just Do It! You don't need any of that stuff! Just go take a fucking walk, you can do that in your street clothes, that's a good Habit, you don't need Special Pants to be like those Athletes doing Just Do It commercials, man, that's all they fucking Just Do, you know? Unless you are some sorta Professional Sports person, you probably have a Day Job that eats up a lot of your energy and slows down your metabolism. You can't compete with the Professional Competitors in those ads, man, and even the ones they're putting up as Amateurs are still doing sports or fitness stuff way more than the Average Person, but you know what? A lot of you aren't anywhere near to Just Doing It, a lot of you could stand to stop Just Watching the Pro Sports for a li'l bit. That can be a Bad Habit! Hours and hours of watching people get paid to exert themselves! Don't do it! Go take a fucking walk!

In Baltimore right now, this might be a Perfect opportunity for you to break the cycle of Sport, you know? Baseball Season is over for Baltimore, and Football Season is not going very well (just saying), so if you are one of those Orioles and/or Ravens people, it might be a good time to take a break, get out of the Habit of caring what all the other Lemmings think they care about.

I think Football is the most pernicious of the Official Sports, man, I mean, they have it on Monday Night and Thursday Night and on Sunday you could watch three or four games, and that's not including that Crack Pipe they invented called the "RedZone," which is nothing but parts of football games when a team is inside the 20 and trying to score. It's like watching clips of Sports Highlights all day except it's not always a Highlight, it's just when one team is inside the 20-yard line (the "RedZone"), and they have you on the hook for hours! Sometimes they have eight games up on the screen at the same time!

Also, later in the season they will have Saturday Night Football, so you could be burning 20 hours a week on football, and unless you're watching it on a motherfucking treadmill, you're killing yourself a little, on the couch or in the Comfy Chair, having snacks, and you're creating all these limited Habit grooves in your Brain, where you could be discovering something new or challenging your Brain to think of things to say that aren't about The Game, you know? It's terrifying, I know, but you should try it!

Of course none of this applies to the Ravens scratch-off lottery tickets, because that is an Activity slash Investment slash Retirement Plan, and absolutely none of anything applies to Super Bowl, which only incidentally contains Football. I always watch Super Bowl, and that's not a Habit, man, that's a Tradition, a Holiday, even! Try it just once, man, skip a Sport Season, I do it every couple-few years, I just decide it's not a Football year, or it's not a Baseball year, and I don't pay any special attention to that Sport. It's very liberating, seriously, and there's all this time that opens up to do Other Things, and by that I mean go to the movies.

Email : wrongcolumn@gmail.com

Tweet: @MRWRONGCOLUMN

Mailmail: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278

Copyright © 2018, Baltimore City Paper, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Privacy Policy
54°