Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: The edge of wetness

City Paper

Is it still raining? According to the Weather Underground site I am looking at right now, as I am writing this column (which you will see, at the earliest, six days from now), it will be 74 degrees and sunny, in Baltimore, USA on Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2015, Anno Domini, unless there's another Hurricane or Nor'easter or a Hurricane combinated with a Nor'easter and maybe some Derecho on the side. A Nor'echocane!

However, as I am writing this particular precipitation of the Mr. Wrong Column, currently, six days before Oct. 7 at the least, it's 60 degrees and raining, and it's gonna rain for a coupla more days and then we might get a Hurricane, Joaquin, namely, or formerly, if it fizzled out or got distracted and went someplace else.

The myna birds on the radio and teevee today kept using phrases to the effect of THE WAY IT'S TRACKING NOW IT'S GOING RIGHT UP THE CHESAPEAKE BAY, because that's exciting, to think about how Hurricane Joaquin could shoot right into the Bay and create a storm surge and stuff and destroy and flood everything, right? And you can say whatever you want about "Tracking," right? It's all Theoretical. It could happen! There are all these Computer Models, and you can see all these different paths the Hurricane Joaquin could take, coulda taken, took, I mean, because I am writing this at least almost a week ago.

I sincerely hope the Hurricane went away, you know? I hope nobody got killed or got stuck in their car in a flood from the non-Hurricane rain that was headed in from the west, and I hope nobody's basement got flooded, especially mine. I used to have a very nice and super-fun Rumpus Room in the basement of my castle, and then some Rains came and I had Water Damage in the basement, but, of course, not enough to get me paid after my Homeowners Insurance Deductible, you know? That first thousand dollars before you get to any kind of a payout from your Homeowners Insurance is a racket, man, you have to pay for all the $999.00 Damages, total racket.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get the basement to stop accepting water, and I got tricked into having a "French Drain" put in. These guys come into my house and jackhammer the cement under what used to be the luxurious wall-to-wall carpeting in the Rumpus Room, and now I got bare cement and the bottom of the wall on three sides of the Rumpus is gone, because it's part of installing the "French Drain" which is a gutter dug someplace scary under the Foundation of the house or something, I don't know, I tried to watch 'em put it in, but all the jackhammering, seriously, I went upstairs. Who knows what they did? Maybe that's the whole Business Model, you just jackhammer the bejeezus outta the mark's basement until they go away and then you pretend to do stuff, and then cover it all up with some cement that will crack later.

Then there's the Pump they put in, I saw that, at least, the Pump was real, it's in a hole they dug under the futon. So I know I own a Pump which will allegedly take any water the "French Drain" drains, and pump it back outside of my house, which explains the lovely white plastic pipe sticking outta the front of my domicile. The guy who suckered me into buying the "French Drain" told me the "French Drain" would help the Resale Value of my home, ironically, the mortgage to which is "Underwater," har! Three grand for that fucking "French Drain," and of course I still have water coming into the basement when it rains a lot, so I can't restore my Rumpus Room to its former glory until I solve the problem of how the water gets in, and I've never seen that "French Drain" doing a goddamn thing.

Somebody told me maybe there's some gaps in the bricks or around the windows in front of my house and I should put some Caulk, so I went nuts and put Caulk all over the front of my house, in every crack and fissure I could find, but yeah, I still get water coming in and it's driving me crazy. Anytime it rains, I can't sleep, I get up and go down to the basement with a flashlight and start looking at the wall to see if any water is dripping. I also check all the tiles in the dropped ceiling panels, because sometimes the water comes in and there's Osmosis or something and the water travels along the ceiling panels of my once-majestic Rumpus Room and then leaks outta one of the Recessed Lighting fixtures. Ack! Water coming out of the same place as Electricity! Aieee!!!

It sounds like Science Fiction every time I say this, but I took down a pretty big Score recently, $250,000 (before taxes) on the Nationally Syndicated "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" program, and as soon as the check clears and I refinance my mortgage I'm gonna have the scratch to have some stuff taken care of in my castle, so I would be happy to entertain any recommendations for people who can stop it from raining in my basement. Thank you.

email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com

wet tweets: @MRWRONGCOLUMN

soggy letters: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER,

501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278

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