So today* my Editor** at City Paper, Baltimore's Only Alternative Newsweekly Owned by The Baltimore Sun Media Group (BSMG), told me there was an Early Deadline, on account of the Labor Day Holiday, which I fully support, man, Labor Day, and having a Holiday for it, I am pro-Union and also pro-Controlling The Means of Production, but in the rough-and-tumble Multimedia News Business, "Holidays" are a canard, owing to a finite amount of work that needs to get done no matter what, in terms of producing a specific amount of Content to pour into the various two- and three-dimensional Media containers, see?
So it's like, for The Workers at City Paper, their so-called Holiday means they have less time to do their same exact job they do every non-Holiday week, got it? News! Stuff about Art and Music and Movies and Things To Do and Places to Go and Things To Eat When You Get There! A whole Alternative Weekly worth, all crammed into your phone or your iPodPad or spread out all over a grimy, ink-smeared sheaf of newsprints arranged in numerical page-order!
It takes more than a Week sometimes to do a Week of Weekly Paper or Media or whatever, and now they gotta make it happen in One Week Minus One Day! Yow! Generally that means working longer hours before the Holiday to have the "time off." Plus, there is as of Press Time*** no shiny-new Editor-in-Chief, which means there's fewer Workers working to do produce the same amount of Production.
So, like, I haz Empathy with the plight of the Workers at City Paper! However! The Mr. Wrong Column has to be filed on the Weekly, and the Prime Directive of the Mr. Wrong Column is:
Further-however-more, this Weekly I gotta file almost a week in advance of when my gems hit the page or monitor or whatever, and, I dunno man, this week I have a weird Feeling there might be or coulda been an Atomic explosion or something I mighta wanted to discuss in my next (this****) Column, you know? A Sports Thing maybe? Some Snack Food development? There could be a super-important thing for me to Complain about happening in The Future! It has all already occured, man! I'm like, Columning from The Past! Almost a whole week of Shit Happened since I filed this Column! Aieeee!!! How was your week? Was there a War or anything? Can you email me from next week? Tell me about Things To Come! Man, my head hurts, back here in The Past, worrying about The Future. When was Labor Day? I coulda used a day off, you know?
Furthermore, they (and you know who They are) asked me if I would be OK with getting my checks (the ones I get for writing the Mr. Wrong column every week), on a biweekly or monthly basis. The checks I get for writing the Mr. Wrong column on the Weekly for the Weekly paper that comes out Every Week! Get it Wednesday and stuff, you know? Weekly! They want me to Get Paid Monthly for the thing I do Weekly! Mr. Wrong Column! Weekly! I know, I know, lotsa people get paid Biweekly or Monthly, even, and we're talking about Getting Paid for Work, with a capital Urk! Hard stuff! Not crapping out a buncha words shaped like a Column! Certainly not yammering about how The Man is putting the stranglehold on my Cash Flow! Get off my check! I'm not an ingrate, man, I know I am living the Life over here at The Mr. Wrong Column, Columning my Column for One Hundred and 50 Dollars and No Cents (No cents! Har!) on a Weekly basis!
Anyway, I would like to say thank you, Gentle Reader, for reading a Very Special Early Deadline Edition of The Mr. Wrong Column, now Getting Paid by the Good People at BSMG Every-Other Weekly, or maybe even Monthly! Aieee!!!
EPILOGUE: OK, look, so just like last week, in case the Brand-New Editor-in-Chief of City Paper is announced before Press Time, I would like to leave a space to put the new EiC's name, so, if we don't know the name of the Editor by Press Time, the below area will be blank, but if we do, then somebody will put in the name for me, and I then I am pleased to say congrats to Exciting and New City Paper Editor-in-Chief:
[ ____________________________ ]
Congratulations! Welcome to your new job!
* Seven days ago
** Not the Editor-in-Chief, whose identity at Press Time was unknown, unless it became known before Press Time? In which case please look at the filled-in bracket above.
*** See the two-asterisk item directly above, and then follow the Instruction.
**** Vol. 39, No. 36, September 9-16, 2015, "Get It Wednesday."
email daily : firstname.lastname@example.org
post: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER,
501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278