I am totally having a still-hot American Summer and I hope by now you know I want the same for you, in varying degrees according to your particular and independent preferences, and I hope you write in to the below addresses and let me know all about your Summer, and what you did and what you ate and how good it was and any ideas you have for making it Endless. Now is August! The Summeriest of the Summer Months! Mostly, I Believe, because it has zero big Holidays inside of it, in terms of National Observance, OK? I'm not talking about stuff such as Victory Day (Rhode Island), or The Assumption of Mary (Jesus-Religion), or Bennington Battle Day (Observed, Vermont), or Lyndon Baines Johnson Day (Texas), see? Those are State things, and they are whatever they are, good for them, but what I am saying here in The United States of Summer is that We are a Nation, united under a deep Groove of Summer. Let's go get some Soft-Serve! My favorite Soft-Serve is when you get Chocolate and Vanilla Swirled all together and then dip the whole thing into some Chocolate coating, oh boy, eat it fast, it's hot out! I do not ever get the "Wet Nuts," though, I might try that sometime, the "Wet Nuts," but then I think it'd be impossible to dip it, you know? I sure could go for a Soft-Serve, just saying. Plus, I dig the Season of Soft-Serve because there's no stress about what kinda Cone you want, you know? I hate having to think about that, do I want the Sugar Cone or the Cake Cone or the Waffle Cone, you know? I dunno, it just stresses me out when all I want is to slide some cool creamy Soft-Serve into my Ice Cream-hole. I do worry, though, that the server puts that Soft-Serve all the way down into the bottom of the Cone, because there's nothing worse than that last bite, after you have licked and slurped your way through a successful Soft-Serve Experience without getting any on you, and then that last bite is nothing but empty Dry Cone? Right? Ack! I hate throwing away that last chunk, but if there's no more Soft-Serve in there, that thing is gonna choke me, I know it. Anyway, say no to Dry Cone.
Meanwhile, this entire month of August is devoted to having nothing but Summer, 24-To-The-Seven, and not getting your Summer ruined from exploding off your fingers from doing dumb stuff with fireworks-related Holidays or getting distracted from Summer Enjoyment looking to see if your Holiday is a Monday Holiday or a Friday Holiday to mooch on to some Weekend Multiple-Day Holiday Action, or a disappointing one where you only have one day of Holiday because it is in the middle of the week, like on a Tuesday. Bleah! Not this month! August! Focus on Summer!
In August, you are in control of your Summer, and you are thinking—I mean you might not think you are thinking because it may even possibly be only in a Subconscious manner of thinking—about how August is the Last Lap of Pure Summer, you know? The last lick of the refreshing and nutritious Summer Sno-ball! My favorite Sno-ball flavor is Blue. No whipped cream, though, I like Pure Cold Sno-ball.
There is no wondering if the pool is open, you know? It's August, of course the pool is open! If the pool is not open, but in, because it is August! Time to be in the pool! No diving! All month, man, it's solid One Hundred Percent Summer all month, and I don't want to think about the opposite of this month, you know, like six months from now when The Earth is tilted a different way and The Sun is a pale dot in the sky, giving no Warm Summer Love, and I have to wear socks and underpants and pants and a shirt instead of a swimsuit and flip-flops, you know? I hate clothes! I can't float good in the pool when I have clothes on! No diving!
I mean, no offense to September, but it is only like 75 Percent Summer, you know? It turns into the Thing After Summer! I refuse to speak its Name! Don't make me think about it! And don't go to any stores right now, man, because they (and you know who They are) are already doing that Back-To-School atrocity! No! It's Summer! It's hot out! I am grilling weenies on the grill and sweating (not on the weenies) and enjoying a cold, fizzy Beverage of my choice! I got the baseball Game on the radio! Go O's!
See, another thing is now the whole Football stuff is starting up, and I have no problem with Football, no offense to any Football, are you ready for some Football, etc., but it is still fucking August and I want my Pastoral Pastime of Baseball to be the focus of all my Summer thought! I don't want to see Football players sweating their footballs off in "Summer Camp"! No Football! Summer! C'mon, man, we still got a shot at the World Series, I need all of my Psychic Energy to focus on the Sport of Summer! And weenies on the grill!
Post: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER,
501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278