Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: The Sizzling of Summer Sausage

Mr. Wrong: You can't spell SAUSAGE without USA, see?

How is your Summer going? Are you having a good time, or are you at least making holes in your Bad Time to jam a few square pegs of Good Time all up in there? Do it! You gotta steal that stuff! These Are The Good Times!

You gotta steal your fun otherwise The Man will just drain off your life-essence while you are thinking about all those Good Times you are gonna do Someday while you are enduring the Suck Time, I'm tellin' you man, you gotta play hooky from Life every once in a while to get some perspective, and then you are out there, in that Perspective, or that Paradigm-Shift, or that Who Moved My Cheese (Me, That's Who Moved My Damn Cheese)-zone and ask yourself, Where Have All The Good Times Gone? And then you can see 'em, the place where you can put the Good Times, right now!

I am having a kick-ass Summer, man, I got my above-ground swimming pool working pretty good, and it leaks a little right now, but whatever, I can jump in that pH-balanced water up to my chin and float around and look up at the sky and then get all trippy and see myself, all out-of-body experience and stuff, and wow, I need to lose a few pounds, you know?

Yeah, the swimsuit is not very slimming! I know I gotta start exercising more and eating better and blah-blah-blah, but seriously, is there some Healthy vegetable food that is as tasty as a double cheeseburger from Burger King or a slice of pepperoni pizza from anywhere? I mean, c'mon man, I hear all this stuff about how the United States of America is turning into a Nation of diabetics and statin-addicted potential heart attacks and strokes and stuff, but they still sell Kraft Cheese Dinner, you know? I heard they are gonna make it less Artificial, somehow, which probably means it will taste less Kraft-y or whatever, but it'll still probably taste better than some legumes, you know? No offense.

I want to be healthy, man, I will eat the legumes! Just make 'em taste good! Why is that so hard? Why does kale only taste really good when it's sauteed in some bacon fat? I'll take the Pepsi Challenge on that man, you put some different kales out there that are all sauteed, and I'm telling you blindfolded every time the one in the bacon fat is the winner. Bacon tastes good! Pork chops taste good! You can't spell SAUSAGE without USA, see?

I try, man, I really do. I buy these MorningStar Farms® Original Sausage Patties (available in my Grocer's Freezer), and they are really tasty. I'm not gonna lie, I still think sausage made out of meat tastes better, but these things are good enough that I have never slid back onto some Jimmy Dean® sausage or any other breakfast meat patties, and that is my Unsolicited Testimonial, seriously, these MorningStar Farms® joints work alongside eggs on a plate and they work in a breakfast McSandwich-type deal. One of my fave-rave breakfast items is where you get a fake sausage, a pat of butter, an English muffin, and some provolone cheese, then you nuke the sausage in the microwave while you are lightly toasting the muffin halves, then put a pat of butter on each muffin half, plop the sausage on top, put a piece of provolone on top of that, and broil that bad boy until the cheese melts and maybe gets a little browned if you go that way. Serve it open-faced or in a sandwich, but make sure to hit it with your favorite hot sauce (in this case, for this item, I would pair it with some Texas Pete® because it has a nice shot of vinegar in it to punch through the cheese), and that is a satisfying breakfast meal, man. You don't have to use butter, you could use some other kinda spread or oil, it's just nice to get that muffin a li'l bit moistened, you know?

Here is what is inside a MorningStar Farms® fake sausage:

TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (WHEAT GLUTEN, SOY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, WATER FOR HYDRATION), EGG WHITES, CORN OIL, SODIUM CASEINATE, MODIFIED TAPIOCA STARCH, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF LACTOSE, SOYBEAN OIL, HYDROLYZED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (WHEAT GLUTEN, CORN GLUTEN, SOY PROTEIN), AUTOLYZED YEAST EXTRACT, SPICES, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, SODIUM PHOSPHATES (TRIPOLYPHOSPHATE, TETRAPYROPHOSPHATE, HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE, MONOPHOSPHATE), SALT, DISODIUM INOSINATE, CARAMEL COLOR, CELLULOSE GUM, WHEY POWDER, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, MALTODEXTRIN, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, DEXTROSE, ONION POWDER, DISODIUM GUANYLATE, VITAMINS AND MINERALS (NIACINAMIDE, IRON [FERROUS SULFATE], THIAMIN MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE [VITAMIN B6], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], VITAMIN B12), SUCCINIC ACID, ASCORBIC ACID, LACTIC ACID, BREWERS YEAST, TORULA YEAST, SOY LECITHIN.

I dunno about HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE, but eating this stuff is better than eating some greasy pig meat, right? I mean, there can't be that much TETRAPYROPHOSPHATE to do me any damage compared to a Jimmy Dean®, right?

Also you can get some high-fiber English muffins if you need the fiber. I like the multigrain ones because the high fibers taste like there's some sorta sawdust or something in there, it's not my imagination, it's like Cellulose or something, that's Termite Food!

So look, if you could stand to lose a few, try this breakfast item with my compliments, and for the record I will ask our Government, why is there not some sorta Manhattan Project to make Vegetable food that tastes as good as all the delicious garbage convenience foods that America was built on? Let's start with Beefaroni! Thank you. 

Email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
Twitteroni: @mrwrongcolumn
Postcards: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER,
501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278

 

Copyright © 2018, Baltimore City Paper, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Privacy Policy
43°