Hot Fudge Wednesdays By Lexie Mountain

Quiz: Which Word Document Template Are You?

City Paper

What does your choice of Word document template have to say about your personality? Are you a no-holds-barred, risk-having person? A tender crocus waiting to bloom, striped up all purple and cute? A saucy potato with loads of oomph? Boy, I’m hungry. Let’s get on with this so we can all make it to dinner on time. 

CAPITAL ENVELOPE: Look everyone, we just want to keep it clean. No weird stuff. My mom is coming by the office later and if she finds out what you guys have been doing with the chunky peanut butter and my Batman Forever DVD she is gonna be ripshit. Don’t screw this up for me!

PROSPECT LETTER: Untrustworthy around animals and children. 

RIPPLES LETTERHEAD: Ends every sentence as if it was a question. Owns a small bird and wears loafers without socks in the winter. 

ADVANTAGE AGENDA: Capricorn, probably.

SPECTRUM BUSINESS CARD:  You enjoy being constantly reminded that pineapple is the best Life Savers flavor and maybe it’s high time to write a letter along the lines of Why Isn’t There Just A Roll of Pineapple Life Savers Already That Would Be Wonderful.

PLAZA FAX: Everyone in the office is trying to figure out if you are a robot.  

FOREFRONT MEMO: “Why does Steve insist on memos? Is he deliberately refusing to use his email? I heard he doesn’t know how to use the copy machine and he makes Kate do it every single time even though he makes seven times her salary. If his wife didn’t always bake too many lemon bars and force him to bring them into morning meeting I would personally murder him with my own hands.” 

INKWELL PROPOSAL: Just because you barely squeaked through business school because you spent the entire time fantasizing about how you wish you went to a liberal arts college and studied film, like, really studied film, especially directing, don’t take it out on the rest of us. It’s not our fault your obsession with gangster films of the early 2000s never had an appropriate outlet, which is, to reiterate, absolutely not in this department.  

THRILL NEWSLETTER: Industrious. Confused. Chews gum with the intensity of a thousand suns. 

ASCENT BROCHURE: In the event that you are exposed to the Ebola virus, remember that it is not communicable unless you are showing symptoms, which may be between two and 21 days from exposure. At least that’s what they think. This is your punishment for using the word “pamphlet” instead of “brochure.” On the bright side, you’ll have three weeks to crank out a killer pamphlet. Just going to let that pun dangle there a little bit. 

ELEGANT CERTIFICATE: Practical yet sentimental. Not super good at calligraphy but has a niece who could probably fill the thing out in a pinch.  

GALLERY POSTER: You’ve never been to a gallery.  

BOOKLET CATALOG: Confounding. I am one hundred percent stumped at what a “booklet catalog” could be for. Is it a very small catalog? A catalog for maybe one or two items? Something to let people know the catalog is on its way? What is the purpose of calling something a “catalog” when it is also a “booklet” thus rendering it effectively neither? I am willing to bet actual money that if you have used this template in the last three years you are also the sort of person who willfully refuses to figure out how to deactivate the keypad sounds on your mobile phone. 

DOOR HANGER: The neighbors want you to STOP for a moment and RE-EVALUATE YOUR LIFE before someone GETS HURT because you seem like A NICE PERSON. 

BLANK: Let’s not mince words here. The way you pop open a fresh doc and dink around with the margins and tabs like that? Visionary. 

BUBBLES BUSINESS CARD: You are a cartoon poodle surviving on circus peanuts and moonbeams, and everyone is jealous of you. 

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