I believe in taking the things I love to as final a conclusion as possible. That means owning the variant covers of my favorite comic book titles, being able to recite every line to “Road House,” and jumping on the CrossFit bandwagon. The other day, it also meant making and consuming the firecracker smoothie featured in the third episode of the second season of “Broad City.” Appropriately titled ‘Wisdom Teeth,’ it is the episode where Lincoln (Hannibal Buress) removes Abbi’s (MICA alumna Abbi Jacobson) wisdom teeth and leaves Ilana (Ilana Glazer) in charge of doling out a Vicodin prescription to her already-medicated friend. After inadvertently double-dosing Abbi, Ilana’s distrust of pharmaceuticals leads her to make her friend a firecracker (weed-infused s’mores) smoothie.
The sequence in which Ilana dresses up like Walter White and provides viewers with a shot-for-shot instructional guide on how to make this concoction intrigued me. I should also add that this gave me a convenient excuse to dispose of the phenomenal weed my most recent ex left at my place. As is the case with any mind-altering substance, consumers should always take their body weight, tolerance, and emotional state into consideration before partaking.
I had a glass of this stuff waiting for my roommate to drink with me when she returned from school. Roughly 15 minutes after imbibing, I was so high that I thought I was having a conversation with my roommate when, in fact, I was too high to speak. This experience wasn’t that different than being stoned from any other edible, except that I had used weed of a much higher quality than I usually bake with and finished my night with an ill-timed video chat with one of my friends who’s actually doing something with her life.
I did have a sort of nightmare vision of myself in a decade, however. I imagined walking into a coffee shop with a customer base ranging from students to soccer moms. This sort of beverage would be on the menu, along with many other cannabis-infused snacks and beverages, because weed will have been legalized by then. As I looked around, though, I realized that my surroundings, the well-dressed baristas, and the shop’s wealthy owner in no way resembled the people or places from which I currently buy my drugs.
Legalization hadn’t dismantled the systemic mechanisms leading to the economic inequities that can push people to become dealers; it had just placed the cannabis trade in the hands of groups and individuals whose socioeconomic statuses allowed them to procure business licenses. Individuals could only grow their own weed if they lived in the middle of nowhere. Cannabis users no longer went to jail, but the fines they had to pay still lacked a sliding scale. The poor were still poor, with neither changes to entitlement programs to provide assistance nor an illicit drug market to establish a self-determined economy.
I no longer felt particularly good about myself for writing a funny column about getting high, because I benefit from a wealth of privilege (living in a house, being in a neighborhood without a strong police presence, having relatively pale skin, etc.) that means no cop will ever pretend they smell pot as an excuse to pat me down. I thought the final conclusion of my love for a particular piece of entertainment would be making this (admittedly delicious) smoothie, but I think it’s really that everything tastes better coming from the people who made it possible in the first place. Acting stupid is the human condition, not a privilege.
1 gram cannabis (stems and seeds removed, and ground to a fine powder)
4 tablespoons Nutella
2 cups chocolate gelato (optional)
3 cups milk
4 graham crackers (I used cinnamon)
4 jumbo marshmallows (optional)
Heat your oven to 300 F. While you wait for it to heat up, lay out a square of aluminum foil and begin assembling the s’mores on top of it. Layer the graham crackers with Nutella, sprinkle the weed evenly over two of them, place the marshmallows on top of the weed, then top with the remaining two graham crackers.
Wrap the s’mores in foil and bake them in the oven for approximately 10 minutes.
Remove the s’mores from the oven, break them into smaller pieces, and place them in a blender with the milk and gelato. Mix thoroughly, until you have achieved a smooth consistency.
Split the smoothie/milkshake with a friend.