A totally real guide to the characters in 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens'

Apparently there is a new Star Wars movie out! This film will surely make billions and billions of earth dollars and woo a disenchanted and spurned public back into the loving arms of a galaxy far, far away. With franchise newcomers like John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, and Lupita Nyong'o joining graybeards like Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and the huge man who lives in the Chewbacca suit, J.J. Abrams (probably) artfully weds nostalgia for the simpler space opera days of yore with a positive vision for the future of this incredibly lucrative franchise. But for a moment forget about headliners Kylo Ren and Finn and Poe Dameron and Rey, as there are a host of likely new Star Wars future cult favorites to keep your eyes peeled for! Check out our informative and true Who's Who of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."

Piell Forster Nieb - A young Jedi knight of no particular renown who always says everything twice and chews with his mouth open. He likes to play in the swamp, as is mentioned repeatedly.

Ewok Boy - A human bounty hunter from Corellia. Thing about Ewok Boy is, although short and hirsute, he doesn't actually look like an Ewok, it's just that he's such an insufferable jagoff that people like to make fun of him a bit. All in good fun, of course.

Nalia Jinn - A formidable desert planet smuggler who seems nice enough until she starts talking about the Liberal Jawa-run media and then it's like, yeahhhh, OK, good day to you.

Jenk Zalb Binks - An orphan adopted by the long-dead and water-buried Jar Jar Binks, Jenk Zalb is constantly sobbing and searching for something called "the great boneyard," which understandably freaks everyone out.

Stell Tacho - A non-eccentric inventor who invents extremely practical items and patents them accordingly.

Wilraff Raineater - A space garbage man who reveals a series of meandering clues as to Luke Skywalker's whereabouts. Has the titular line.

Bab A'Moptimo - A lascivious Twi'lek who grossly winks at everyone because he is constantly super horny. Played with panache by Sir Ben Kingsley.

Deak Crolado - A low-ranking officer in the New Republic who screams this really specific almost question-mark inflection type scream whenever he sees a spider. If we are being brutally honest, he's just not a very great character.

Admiral Grofton Krabbly - A former Imperial admiral, Grofton Krabbly is a man on a mysterious and boring—very boring—mission that has something to do with tariffs or embargoes or some other word that has no place in "Star Wars."

Choam Nahmskee - A collector of relics from the Galactic Senate, Choam Nahmskee is the only (thus far) character in the "Star Wars" universe who exclusively wears T-shirts (and the reason why will shock you).

Kkrk'Uar'Rhhro - A Tusken Raider that questions his monotonous life of grunting and barking and killing random people, but very quickly gets with the program and grunts and barks with the best of them.

Mergo the Mergo - Han Solo's third best friend from childhood, Mergo the Mergo is just your typical Mergo. Not a lot of screentime, but some good slipping-on-banana-peel comedy.

Tarkshykk - She's the first female Wookiee president, which is really great, but she puts forth no meaningful legislation to help the poor and remains a member of the warmonger caste. Democracy is a sham.

Jek Porkins - Everyone assumes Jek Porkins was killed by a turbolaser during the assault on the first Death Star. But what this new film presupposes is . . . maybe he didn't?

The Bad Droid - A troublemaking droid. Hobbies include: murder.

Darth Bor-Bor - A brand-new Sith Lord who is less interested in the Dark Side and all that boring shit and more intrigued by Bantha eugenics.

Yanzi the Red - A pilot of a Y-Wing who gets picked on by all the X-Wing jocks. She is about to explain how she got the cool nickname "the Red" when the heroes stop listening to her and walk away.

Sebulbo - It's just Sebulba with a fake mustache and a monocle. Seems to have really matured since the pod races though.

Joret Balthor - A space gambler with a penchant for throwing up when he wins that space money.

R2-69 - A helpful droid.

Rane Kit-Kit Kit - A mechanic who loses her tools in the opening scene and every so often you can hear her in the background being all like, "Have you seen my tools!?"

The Other Emperor - So, there's another emperor, though he's pretty chill. Not that chill obviously, but more chill than the other emperor. Wears a nicer robe, less raspy and unhinged.

Po Bongo - A taciturn warrior orangutan from the Planet of the Apes (note: not the planet from "The Planet of the Apes," which is Earth).

Grand Moff Kevin - Just another Grand Moff in a galaxy crawling with Grand Moffs, Kevin is fairly agreeable for a Grand Moff, though you know, sort of racist. Actually, super racist and not that shy about it.

Bal-Rev Thornn - A refugee from Alderaan. Twin to Mek. Bal-Rev is woke, but not bae or on fleek.

Mek Thornn - A refugee from Alderaan. Twin to Ba-Rev. Mek is on fleek, but not woke, nor bae.

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