No Trivia: Detective Daniel Hersl's "Timecop," a Netflix Original series

Dear Netflix,

I have been a loyal subscriber to your service since 2013 and recently have fallen in love with wonderful original series such as "Lilyhammer" and "Hemlock Grove" and, to some extent, the lesser ones such as "House of Cards" and "Orange Is the New Black." That puts me in a special position to understand what your loyal users look for with original programming and so, I am offering you first dibs on my brilliant idea for a television series. It is called "Detective Hersl: Timecop."

You're already a fervid reader of the Baltimore City Paper, I know, but in case you just happened to miss this week's issue, we ran a story on a local rapper named Young Moose. In the story by D. Watkins and in another story by Baynard Woods and myself, the paper details how a Baltimore City police officer named Detective Daniel Hersl used some of Young Moose's rap videos as probable cause to raid the rapper's residence. When Moose wasn't home that night, Hersl arrested members of Moose's family but then waited nearly three weeks to arrest Moose, doing so just four days before Moose's big concert with Lil Boosie (these rappers and their crazy names!). And when Moose got out on bail two days before the Boosie show, Hersl made it his duty to make sure Moose was immediately put back in jail for the probation violation. No matter that the videos used as evidence of a parole violation (and probable cause) dated back to late 2013/early 2014, before Mooose was on parole.

I am happy that another rapper is off the streets and can't make anymore videos that contain fictional reenactments of crimes or perform in front of his legions of local fans and make some money that could help get his family out of an area in which drug dealing is often the only way to make a living. Better yet, I learned that the 21-year-old may have to stay in jail as late as February because the prosecuting attorney has gone on paternity leave. The system works!

Clearly, Detective Hersl is just a cop who cares and will go to any length to deliver justice. And get this, there is a federal investigation going on against the Baltimore Police for misconduct! Such haters. It reminds me of that movie "Cobra" starring Sylvester Stallone. Stallone's character Marion Cobretti declares, "As long as we play by these bullshit rules and the killer doesn't, we're gonna lose," and I imagine it's exactly how Detective Hersl thinks and more people should think like that. Sidebar: "Cobra" is not currently on Netflix Instant. Why is that? Please put it on Netflix Instant immediately. It is one of my favorite movies. Also, "Timecop" starring Jean-Claude Van Damme isn't on Netflix Instant. It's another one of my favorites and the inspiration for my otherwise totally original show.

To honor Detective Hersl's good work, I want to create a TV series about him. It will be called "Detective Hersl: Timecop" and it will involve the Detective traveling through time to arrest other artists by using their art as evidence against them.

The pilot is all planned out in my head. After an exposition-packed opening credits sequence that fills in the blanks on Hersl and Young Moose, we see Hersl on a plane flying to Portland, Oregon. The city of Portland heard about his stellar job with Young Moose and the way he turned music videos into probable cause and they want him to do the same thing with somebody of concern in their city: Colin Meloy of the indie-rock band The Decemberists. According to an article in "Paste" from 2009, Meloy has sung about killing "upwards of 70 characters of his own creation." Hersl comes to Meloy's house, kicks in his amplifier, breaks his jaw, and sends him off to jail. Within minutes, Hersl is contacted by Macon, Georgia authorities who are very concerned about a country star named Jason Aldean who has a song called 'Dirt Road Anthem' about driving on backroads while drunk and high. Hersl quickly apprehends Aldean on his way to his car. Who knows how many lives were saved by getting Aldean off the streets! The pilot episode ends with three bearded men in robes and space helmets magically appearing in front of Hersl with a message for the detective. Cut to the credits and we've got ourselves a cliffhanger!

In the second episode, we learn that these three mysterious men are The Timecops and they want Detective Hersl to travel through time and space and arrest other artists by using their art against them. He arrests Johnny Cash for singing (or should we say confessing?) "I shot a man and Reno, just to watch him die" on 'Folsom Prison Blues'; he apprehends Bing Crosby for 'White Christmas,- which the always-perceptive Hersl hears as Crosby claiming he received cocaine as a gift; he waits near the stage at a Gary Puckett & the Union Gap concert in 1968 and arrests the band because of their song 'Young Girl.' Eventually, he runs out of pop musicians: Sophocles is booked for patricide; Mozart's grabbed for murder conspiracy, with "Don Giovanni" used as evidence he intends to kill Donna Anna's father. Victor Hugo? Read a bit of his "Les Miserables" and it's clear that freeloader stole a loaf of bread at some point or another and might just do it again. Goya's grabbed for conspiracy to commit murder based on 'The Third of May 1808.' The possibilities for my show are endless. Think "Doctor Who" meets "Law & Order."

Also, I think around season eight or nine Hersl should get a robot pot-bellied pig sidekick that helps him solve cases. We can sell stuffed animals and action figures of the robot pig. It will be a good way to garner sympathy for the police amongst the young people corrupted by confusing hashtags like #Ferguson which make them think the police get things wrong or, can you believe it, are vindictive racists!

Also, unlike so many other series, which meander and don't seem to know where they're going to end or just go on too long, I've even got a whopper of a great idea for the series finale. Sit down. You're sitting, right? OK, are you ready?

It's late in evening and Hersl struts down the streets of Baltimore, snow falling on him melancholy-like; he has a bittersweet look on his face because there are no more artists to arrest. He has arrested all of them throughout time—most recently David Simon, who was clearly up to some no good; anybody who ever caught an episode of "The Wire" knows that. And so, the camera pulls back out of Baltimore City and further back to reveal an Inner Harbor snowglobe sitting on a desk in an office. Staring at the snowglobe is a 30-year-old music geek. It turns out the entire series took place inside the stoned brain of one of the editors at an alt-weekly!

"Detective Hersl: Timecop" is sure to be a hit and generate many, many thinkpieces. I would like $20 million for this idea.

Hope you hear from you soon!

Copyright © 2019, Baltimore City Paper, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Privacy Policy
66°