I went to a Baseball game the other day, and I have a few complaints. First of all, I understand the whole deal of how it (Our National Pastime) is a Business, and an Industry, and how it is Entertainment, so therefore you gotta make it Exciting--as in, way fucking more exciting than Baseball is to people who are not crazy about the Baseball but who end up at a game every now and then. So you gotta wake the motherfuckers up every inning because Baseball can be (get ready for this News Flash), according to some people, kinda Boring, but it's like all this goddamn Intro Music every time somebody from the Home Team steps up to bat, like BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA with whatever fucking shit they got--Metal, Hip-Hop, Country, even Western--it's all this goddamn BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA "BLAHRBLAR NOW STEPINNNN UPTOMRRMPH BALLLH, NUMMMBR PHRM-TNRMZLE BALWRR BLARR BLAHBLAH!!!" and then BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA BRRT-BRRT BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA, goddamn Jesus Fucking Christ, man, every goddamn time one of Your Baltimore Orioles steps up it's gotta be BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA?
It just kinda de-emphasizes the whole impact of the BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA, you know? Plus, where's my fucking HEYCOLDBEER and HEYHOTDOG guy? I totally saw the HEYPRETZEL guy, but missed the other guys because of BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA and I didn't hear BAMARAMARAMAheyhotdogRAM-ARAMARAMA, see? Look, if you go to a baseball game and it's 900-million-degrees of brain-baking sunshine like it was the other day, you're not really gonna be up for a whole lot of yelling and screaming while you are Root-Root-Rooting for the Home Team like it says in the Bible we are supposed to do. You sit on ass and watch the fucking Game, man. You pay attention. You observe the pitching. You notice the shifts in the infield and outfield when different batters are up. You knock back a coupla hot dogs or maybe a "Half-Smoke." You drain a cold beer or two. Life is Good for a few short hours. And guess what? That is totally Appropriate for the Baseball.
It is a pastoral sport, man. The famous Dead Comedian George Carlin did a whole "Baseball vs. Football" routine, wherein he made clear the Militaristic Theme of Football vs. the Lovely Day in The Park Theme of Baseball, so you can go and Google that shit while I ask the Rhetorical Question: Why the fuck are they always trying to make the Baseball like Football? Can't we have stuff be different? I have attended and enjoyed Football games and it's usually way fucking colder than I would like it to be and everybody is all amped in the fullest non-military expression of Militaristic Society, and that's the Football, man, bring a Pocket Flask, all kindsa Greco-Roman Weirdness, people hollering with painted faces, screaming, "Tailgating" with Feverish Consumption of Mass Quantities of alco-beverage, Roasting of various Meats, lotsa BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA, and vomiting in the parking lot. Good Times, man, seriously. It all makes sense in the Gladiatorial Empire of a sport that celebrates the Big Game with Roman Numerals, totally fucking awesome, man, just don't get your Football in my Baseball, OK?
I'm not saying get rid of the BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA, I'm just saying howabout we start thinking outside the Batter's Box for a few games and do some different stuff, some Old-School stuff? I enjoy the fine sport of Bowling, both Duckpin and Ten-pin--whatever the big-balls Bowling is called--and I have enjoyed the "Rock 'n' Bowl" now and again with the darkened alleys and loud jams, but I don't always want the fucking "Rock 'n' Bowl," umkay? Sometimes I just want to mellow down easy in the slippery shoes, you know? Knock down a few beers, do a little Keggling, got it? No BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA this time, OK?
So howabout a few Old School Baseball Nites or Afternoons, you know? No BAMARAM-ARAMARAMARAMARAMA every time somebody adjusts their cup, eh? It won't be, like, quiet, because there would be somebody playing Old-School Baseball Pipe Organ, OK? It's like, the Classic Baseball musical instrument, the pipe organ! And somebody maybe has a bugle and they can do the real dah-nah-dah-nah-dah-nah-dah-nah-dah-nah-dah-nah: CHARGE thing, and it will be totally cool and mellow, like, Actual Crowd Noise and the HEYCOLDBEER guy and HEYHOTDOG guy will be relatively louder, and you'll be able to hear the CRACK! of the bat, the WHAP! when the pitcher burns one in over the plate--all that shit, you know, the fucking Game, man. Heckling will be audible, as God intended. It's like, people gotta wait for a lull in the BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA to yell at whatever opposing player is out there, and the players can't hear most of the time because there's all the BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA. Heckling is a huge part of the Classic Baseball Experience.
Then there's this "God Bless America" thing. Look, man, I am America; I buy stuff at Sears, I eat at Taco Bell, I drive an American-Made car (Honda Civic), and I watch lotsa Television shows all about how we (as in U.S.) won WW II: The Big One on the History Hitler Channel, and I know there is a National Anthem, and it is called "The Star Spangled Banner" by Francis Scott Key, and it was written in Baltimore, America, and that's the song where I take off the hat and pause for some Reflective Silence, OK? I do not stop My World for "God Bless America" until the Government of the United States of America, Inc. tells me to Obey. However, in the interests of Peace, when they play "God Bless America," I will honor America by going to get a beer. A Budweiser, or maybe even an American one. Play Ball, motherfuckers.