Get a Beach Body

It’s that time of the year again—time to shed your winter cushion and transform into a new you attractive enough to be visible, time to make that new suit worth the money. All your favorite IG celebs have been on it since February. So, here’s what you do—this is a guaranteed transformation: Put down that large fry and head to the beach. Lather on as much sunscreen as you have, preferably a full bottle, so that you’re sticky from head to toe. Now roll around in the sand so that it coats your skin. Lie there sunbathing for several hours, till your entire body disintegrates and becomes sand and you’re trod upon by the sweaty feet of Ocean City tourists. You are now one with the beach. To take it a step further and get a body that’s really #summer-friendly, grow an exoskeleton and claws and find a vacant shell to call your mobile home. Get eaten by a hungry seagull—now you never have to go on a diet again. (Maura Callahan)

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