Hey everybody, it's Top Ten season! This is the time of year when people all over the world think about the year and all that has gone by, on the calendar, and we all start making lists of things that are tops, frequently presenting these top things in sets of ten. That's how we do it here at City Paper, which is totally one of the things on my personal Top Ten list, on account of this is where you may enjoy (possibly) the "Mr. Wrong" column, almost every week, except when I forget to file it, like when I got married, which is totally a Top Ten. You can tell what is Top Ten on my list because it is presented in boldface type, which is also a thing on my Top Ten list, the bold type, typographically. I boldfaced my own column! I also am boldfacing you, the Gentle Reader, for your kind attention. Thanks for reading so hard!
Top Ten is fun! You can make your own Top Ten list and put it anywhere you want, or send it to me at email@example.com, or at 812 Park Ave., Baltimore, in the 21201, and I'll put it someplace on the Internet or in the paper in ink, and the topmost Top Ten (picked by me) will be awarded some sorta prize like movie tickets or a gift certificate for a restaurant, I'll find something decent. Let's say you have until the deadline of Dec. 31, 2013 to send me your Top Ten list, OK? C'mon, let's Top Ten!
It seems like last year, but of course Your Baltimore Ravens are a big Top Ten, for making so many people here in Baltimore, USA very happy by winning Super Bowl, which is always way up there on my Top Ten list, I don't even care who's playing! Meanwhile, with the baseball, Your Baltimore Orioles didn't do so great last year, but I am putting them on my Top Ten for the upcoming 2014 baseball season, because baseball is all about the Eternal Hope of Spring, even though I heard there's some sorta new pricing scheme with the tickets where they will be constantly adjusting the prices according to demand, so I'll be going to a lotta non-Yankees, non-Boston games this year, thanks a lot.
I think another person, place, or thing that is Top Ten on my list would be The Pope, on account of there are two of 'em! How'd that happen? One of them got "Person of the Year" from TIME magazine, which I guess is better than when they put a mirror or some other bullshit on the cover like they did that one year. I don't believe the other Pope is "retired," though, I think he went underground to communicate with vampires or something possibly involving vampires. He kinda looks like a vampire, the so-called "retired" non-Pope, with the red Prada shoes, eh? "Emeritus" or whatever? I'm also putting Vampires on my Top Ten list, because I am afraid of them, but I am not afraid of Zombies, for the most part, and even though they are pretty popular right now on the teevee, I am not putting them on my Top Ten list, no offense. I was more of a Breaking Bad fan, you know? I like to imagine that one character, Jesse, the loveable methamphetamine abuser and dealer, saying "Yo Mr. White, fuck those bitch-ass zombies, we make our own zombies with meth! Bitch!" On a related note, I would like to give a Top Ten to the makers of Zephrex-D, a cold and sinus medication advertising itself as "the first cold and sinus medicine that provides the fast-acting, decongestant performance of pseudoephedrine and is highly meth resistant." This stuff is like, a product you'd see a commercial for in a science-fiction movie, you know? Still, I bet if Mr. White was around he could make meth out of it. America!
It's hard sometimes to think about a whole year, retrospectively, and come up with a buncha Top Tens, but that's why I make the long dollars columning! Probably the thing I keep coming back to, when evaluating all the great and important Top Ten possibilities, the thing that is my number one Top Ten for the year 2013, Anno Domini, would be that since April of the aforementioned year, the "Mr. Wrong" column is a weekly column, reproduced on the pages and pixels of City Paper, until further notice, and this means I Get Paid, for columning! Top Ten!
Yeah, baby, I column about stuff like Mexican Coca-Cola, which I am suspicious of, but still am like a sucker paying top dollar to swill the sugary sweetness, and deeper still, sandwiches on pretzel buns, and also the sacrament of gambling in its many forms. I'm kinda burned out on the scratch-offs after investing an entire paycheck from columning into an ultimately unsuccessful weeks-long scratch-offs jag, and I'm still holding my breath waiting for the opening of Baltimore's new and puzzlingly named Horseshoe Casino (it's nowhere near the racetrack), but what I am really Top Tenning my ass off about is the big Mega Millions going on right now, which will be drawn by the time you read this or have it read to you. As of press time the jackpot is up to $586,000,000.00 right now, aka over half a billion U.S. dollars, and I know it's a Fool's Tax or whatever, but all you need is a dollar and a dream, right? The pool here at the office persists in winning enough to keep us in the hunt for the millions of megas, man! The most entertaining thing about lottery is the shared fantasy of crippling the paper if we win and all quit our jobs at the same time, har!
The fact that City Paper is for sale is also a Top Ten, and so of course, if and when they (and we don't know who They are, yet) decide to reveal themselves to us, I hope Our New Alien Overlords don't take my previous remarks with respect to, er, "crippling the paper" seriously, I mean, what are the odds, you know? Just kidding! I would totally finish out my two weeks if I had won Mega-lottery! Wait, seriously, just kidding. I would also like to state for the record that City Paper's new owners are way up there on my Top Ten list, even if they fire me, in which case I want to give a Top Ten shoutout to the Unemployment. Top Ten! ■