IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY A YEAR AGO right here in this column I was announcing that I was tired of not getting to have the "Mr. Wrong" column show up on a weekly basis in the paper and via the pixels of City Paper and its dot-com, and so I was pulling the "Mr. Wrong" column from City Paper, Baltimore's Finest Alternative Weekly That Wouldn't Run the "Mr. Wrong" Column on a Weekly Basis, and I did, pull the column, but now here I am this week, a year later, since April of The Year Two Thousand and Thirteen, A.D., back in print on a weekly basis (with the exception of Special Issues), right here in Baltimore's Best Alternative Weekly.
Best! Yeah man, next week the "Mr. Wrong" column will not appear in City Paper, but that's totally OK by me, because next week all over these pages and more, will be my fave-rave edition of City Paper, the annual "Best of Baltimore" issue. Get you one! It's the Best!
In case you couldn't tell, I love "Best of Baltimore," because after it gets printed and is circulated by the Best Circulation Department of City Paper, dropped all over The City That Reads, into street boxes and inside fine Distribution Points such as taverns and laundromats, people pick one up and start reading-which takes a while because it is always a gigantor-sized paper-and "Best of Baltimore" gets errbody all het up and Opinionated with their Opinions and things, you know? Arguments and stuff! Not shouting arguments (mostly), but just like, animated and passionate ones, by people who Believe in the thing they think should be Best.
There's two ways a Person Place or Thing can be Best in "Best of Baltimore," namely the Readers Poll, and then the stuff written in the paper by The Writers.
When we put the Readers Poll categories in the paper and out on the Internet, we didn't know the Owners of City Paper, who rule us from Scranton, Pa., were gonna put the paper up for sale, otherwise I think we woulda had some categories about "Best Person to Buy City Paper" and fun stuff like that for The Readers, because we're all playing the game here in the office, talking about how maybe some Rich Person will buy the paper, or maybe we could go in all Cooperative-style and figure out a way to Control the Means of Production, or maybe some new Evil Company is gonna buy the paper and then everything will suck because they will make us row harder, you know? We're all rowing really hard already! Most of the time! We also talk about maybe some Famous Baltimore-Related Person like John Waters or David Simon or the Diner guy will buy the paper, which would be totally cool, but in my case there will probably be one of those "Row Harder" memos either way, or probably a "You're Fired" memo, ouch. But that's Business, man! Your job gets bought and sold all the time, you can't take it personal, unless when they (and right now I have no idea who They are, I could even end up being Them) fire me, they say something like, "hey, man, you are totally fired for Personal reasons," then I would take it personal, you know? Personally, I'm just trying not to get fired before I get fired, that's all. I guess this isn't helping, eh?
Anyway, "Best of Baltimore"! C'mon, it's gonna be great, seriously, we are having a big sloppy "Best of Baltimore" party with Free Booze and everything on Sept. 19, the day after "Best of Baltimore" is out there, and if you want a chance to go to the party as a Guest of the "Mr. Wrong" column, send me an email and I will do a random drawing early next week, so let's say Monday, Sept. 16 is your deadline to Enter to Win, OK?
Meanwhile, what do you think is the Best? Is there a hamburger or a hot dog? A band? Some sorta activity or human being? Chances are when next week's "Best of Baltimore" hits the streets, you will read about a category that matches some stuff you have Opinions about and you will either be like, "Wow, City Paper, you are damn-skippy that thing I have an Opinion about is the same thing you put for Best Whatever, it's about time you guys got something right!" And then for most of the other ones you will be all like, "Wha-aaa? City Paper, are you fucking kidding me? Are you smoking some wacky Medical shit all rolled up in sheets of that asswipe fishwrap you poop your writing onto? Don't you guys know things or go places? How the fuck can you say that item or food product or Sports Hero is the Best when the perfectly Logical and Obvious selection for this category is the Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral I have known about forever and ever, amen!"
That's what it's all about, Gentle Reader! Opinions are just like the assholes who have them! Or something like that. So look, seriously, if (when) there's stuff you don't agree with in next week's super-deluxe "Best of Baltimore" edition of City Paper, it's OK to get a little mad, but don't go and don't get super-mad, man, it takes years off your life, you know? If you Strongly Disagree with something you read in "Best of Baltimore," please to write in somehow, on the "Comments" part of one of the pages on the citypaper.com website, or on the Facebook of City Paper, or at the @city_paper Twitter feed, or send an email to email@example.com, or even type or write words in handwriting on a piece of paper and mail it via USPS or drop it off at the front desk here at 812 Park Ave., Baltimore, MD 21201. Unlike the "Mr. Wrong" column, all letters will be edited for length and clarity. Thanks for reading next week's "Best of Baltimore"! You're the Best!