It's vacation time! ARRROOOO!!! I am filing this episode of the Mr. Wrong column from an Undisclosed location, deep in the tree-lined bowels of the beautiful and scenic Adirondack Mountains, America. For one week I will commune with Nature, take long walks in the woods, and stand in a lake full of water up to my waist and drink beers. OK, mostly I will stand in the lake and drink beers, and the walking and the communing, well, sure, if that happens, bonus, but for me, and most Americans, Vacation is about not worrying if one is getting enough exercise and thinking and stuff, Vacation is for enjoying Life! However, as Vacation-y as I am rolling right now, I have an Obligation to file a Mr. Wrong column on the weekly, so I am taking a minute from the lake and the nature and all that crap to file my column, because first rule of having a column is: Always Be Columning, and I am a pro! I get paid for this shit! I Column so deep I even do it on my vacation for the Gentle Reader! Arroooo!!!
It's almost like you're all on vacation with me, and on a metaphysical level, I dig that, of course, in a practical application, we might have a problem with where you all would be able to sleep, and I'm in one of those cabins where, I mean, it's not exactly on a Unabomber level of Rustic, but it's the deal where you have to space out your visits to the porcelain convenience, if you know what I mean, "here in the land of fun and sun/ we don't flush for number one," right?
So while it might not be practical for us all to be on vacation here, in my mind, we're all here together, Gentle Reader, we're wearing comfortable clothing and enjoying the salubrious breezes coming off the lake, having some snacks, maybe when we get warmed up from being out here in the sun, we'll get into our swimsuits and hit the lake, I got the bluetooth speaker thing figured out finally so we can do the music from errbody's cellphone to the speaker, and we can all take turns listening to each other's crappy music before we play our good music, you know what I'm talking about, have another beer or some grapes or something, man, we're on Vacation!
I love Vacation, man, a lot of people have this thing they do about "Oh, I just find it so difficult to take part in this traditional 'Vacation,' and do, well, Nothing, in the manner of the Great Unwashed, because I am such a go-get-'em Power Achiever Coffee Achiever, Whatever, I find it difficult to simply relax and do Nothing, blah blah, me, me, I, I, etc. . . ."
Well, fuck that! I know how to relax! Goddammit! I am out here on the lake, and as soon as I poop out this week's column, I am gonna relax so hard they (and you know who They are) will have to build a Monument to me for how great a Relaxer I am! A reclining monument, of course, and I would ask that they set up some cots around the monument, and somebody maybe bring a cooler and keep it stocked with refreshing beverages and maybe some snacks, because nothing goes with relaxing like a little nibble, eh?
OK, so you know how much I dig Vacation and basically there's no way I'm letting anything or anybody harsh my mellow, Vacation-wise, but this particular Vacation there's one little thing I'm not happy about, but I'm on Vacation and there is No Power on Earth that will prevent me from my enjoyment thereof, but right before I went on Vacation, my colleague Brandon Weigel, the Editor of the Baltimore Weekly Calendar department of City Paper, Baltimore's Alternative Weekly Jammed With All Kinds of Info About What You Should Do With Your Week, sent me this email with this in it:
"DAYTIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING GAME SHOW "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" BRINGS ITS ANNUAL NATIONWIDE CONTESTANT SEARCH TO THE BALTIMORE AREA ON FRIDAY, AUGUST 16."
Are you kidding me? I go away for one lousy week and it turns out to be the one week The Price Is Right hits town to recruit contestants? ARRGGHH!!! Goddammit! It is my Destiny to be on The Price Is Right! How can this happen? I watch The Price Is Right on channel 13 whenever I am home during the day, man, it comes on before The Young and the Restless which is my story, man, I watch The Price Is Right, and then Marty Bass and the guy with the beard come on and do the news, and then it's Young and The Restless time! I even know the music, it is "Nadia's Theme," by Barry De Vorzon! It's all about Emotions! Everybody likes Victor, and he's totally the king of that show, but my fave character is Phyllis, because she is Insane.
Anyway, I'm on Vacation, and this is a Test of my dedication to the principle of Doing Nothing and Relaxing, so I will be philosophical about this. I realize it is not my Destiny to get picked for The Price Is Right this time (this time), but I urge you, reading these words (before Aug. 16, of course), you, the reader of the Mr. Wrong column, if you are able to, you should get your ass over to the Value City Furniture, 5420 Campbell Blvd., Suite E, White Marsh, MD 21236, at 10 a.m. on Aug. 16 and get picked to go on The Price Is Right! Do it! Take pictures! Get all over Drew Carey! Get that Plinko! The Showcase Showdown! Win that motherfucking new car! If you win any Rice-A-Roni® hook me up, man! And of course, spay or neuter your pets, even if you don't have any!