In keeping with my Rights as an American, I went to a baseball game the other day, at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, which is an awkward and unwieldy name, but I guess sooner or later it will maybe be named a name to the effect of "First Mariner Taco Bell Oriole Park at Chevrolet Acura Prius Camden Home Depot Yards" or something, so OK, "Oriole Park at Camden Yards" is fine, I should be grateful, I know.
I never call it "Oriole Park' though, do you? I always call it "Camden Yards," or "The Ball Park." I think maybe it shoulda been called "Memorial Stadium," after the stadium that was named "Memorial Stadium," and now people go, "Hey, do you remember 'Memorial Stadium?'" which is not something you should be saying about a place that was supposed to be a Memorial, in terms of remembering a memory, Stadium-wise.
Anyway, the other day I am enjoying my time at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, and I root, root, root for the Home Team, which involves some hollering, and when I holler, I need some refreshment to help keep my hollering muscles toned and lubricated, so I head down to get an alco-beverage from one of the many refreshment stations, one of the many, I might add-and I do, add that-many, many, many refreshment stations scattered and studded throughout the walkways and concourses and mezzanines and standing rooms of Oriole Park at Camden Yards, and so I'm walking over by the Flag Court, which is technically "The Flag Court on Budweiser Patio," and I stop at a stall to get a Leinenkugel beer, one of the ones that has a canoe on the tap handle, because I have said this before, always go Import when you're paying Oriole Park at Camden Yards prices for beer, I mean, you're paying around eight bucks for a National Bohemian, which is generally about two bucks outside of Oriole Park at Camden Yards, whereas a Leinenkugel, I know it's not a Foreign Import-import, but it's way better than Boh, which is not even made in Baltimore, which sorta qualifies Boh as an import as well, but it is cheap, brackish, macro-brew beer, and there's a time and a place for that, and eight dollars is neither the time nor the place (Oriole Park at Camden Yards) so I go Leinenkugel, man, no offense. And never get a beer at the Budweiser Patio Flag Court at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, man, the beer they pour there is at least five degrees warmer than the other stalls, and 10 degrees warmer than it is at Dempsey's, the bar you can go to on Eutaw Street during the game. City Paper scientifically proved this back in the "Sizzlin' Summer" issue ("Ain't the Beer Cold," May 15), and you can see for yourself on the Internet at citypaper.com/special/sizzlinsummer. Look, when you are drinking watery macro-brew, it needs to be lip-numbing cold, you know?
Now to my beef: I go to the thing and get two Leinenkugels, one for me, and one for one of my pals, and on my way back to my seat, I see a Margarita stand, so I stop there to get a Margarita for one of my other pals, as a joke, because it's an $11 Margarita. Eleven dollars! We saw a sign for it earlier and we were like "'$11 Margarita?' Advertising that on a placard like it's a special thing? Isn't that something to be ashamed of, charging that much for some frozen headache juice?"
I figured I would buy an $11 Margarita and maybe once we tried it we would be like, "WOWEE, that was an $11 Margarita!?! Damn, I woulda paid, I dunno, $12, $13 for that'un out in the Outside World beyond the walls and fences of Oriole Park at Camden Yards near the Budweiser Warm Beer Patio and Flag Court!" Oooo-eee! $11 Margarita! Man, that's my Drag Queen name from now on! $11 Margarita at Camden Yards!
But it was not to be. I approached the Margarita stand, ordered a single $11 Margarita, and was told I already had two drinks, so I would not be served. There's a sign at every beer stand and alco-stand to the effect of "limit of two alcoholic beverages per person, per transaction with valid ID," but I figured I already made one transaction at the Leinenkugel, and I was now at a completely different stand, making a completely different transaction for the $11 Margarita, so of course I offered this Knowledge to my potential server, who went into Script-Repeat Mode, "I'm sorry sir, you already have two drinks," and then I went into Dissatisfied Customer Mode, "Yeah, I know, but that was another transaction, down there at the Leinenkugel. I'm not asking you for three $11 Margaritas, I'm asking you for one. It's 'two alcoholic beverages per person, PER TRANSACTION' (emphasis mine), and this is my transaction." Then I gave up because there were people, nice people, thirsty-for-$11-Margarita-people, in line behind me and I didn't want to ruin their day at Oriole Park at Camden Yards.
For the record, here's the Rule from the Orioles' "A-TO-Z GUIDE" on baltimore.orioles.mlb.com:
Alcoholic Beverage Service
Vending of alcohol in the stands will conclude at the end of the 7th inning, or three hours after the scheduled first pitch, whichever comes first. Concession stand sales of alcohol will be terminated at the end of the 8th inning, or three and a half hours after the scheduled first pitch, whichever comes first. All vendors require a valid state or government-issued ID for the purchase and consumption of alcohol within the park. There is a limit of two alcoholic beverages per person, per transaction with valid ID. The Orioles, as well as our vending and concessions partners, reserve the right to refuse sale/service of beverages to anyone who appears to be intoxicated or is without valid ID. Vertical IDs are now accepted.
"PER TRANSACTION!" Is it me? Am I misinterpreting this Rule? I don't know what a "Vertical ID" is, but I have a suggestion as to what you can do with this "per person, per transaction" thing, OK? Vertically?