OK, a coupla weeks ago I announced the second-ever Contest for The Mr. Wrong Column to become Editor-in-Chief of City Paper, which recently lost its Editor, and yes, we looked under the sofa cushion, but the Most Recently Erstwhile Editor of City Paper has gone to a better place, with trees and lots of room to run and play and we'll all see him real soon.
All seriousness aside, I am filing this column in advance of when they (and I don't know who They are) are going to install a brand-new Editor-in-Chief of your Baltimore City Paper, on account of I am having the most vacation-filled Summer of my entire Vacationing career, and since the Numero Uno Rule of The Mr. Wrong Column is Always Be Filing, I gotta peck this one out before I have any facts, but hey, it's The Mr. Wrong Column, where are the facts you requested, right? Anyway!
The winner and new Editor of this week's Mr. Wrong Column is Mr. Connor Meek, whose powerful and compelling Essay is below, but in a different font so you will know I did not write it and that it is an Important Essay:
A newspaper that seeks an Editor-In-Chief with an essay contest and an essay contest that changes topics several times in the space of a few paragraphs. This is my kind of newspaper. I'll do my best to meet the requirements of all three of Mr. Wrong's essay topics in less than 500 words, and in doing so, land myself a sweet new job.
"Do you have a Degree in something that you could put on your resume or curriculum vitae?" Sure. And I can add on as many as you'd like.
Ideas for the paper, you ask? How's it Goin'? was fun, but lacked depth. I suggest introducing two new columns in the same vein. First, the peaceful, diplomatic Can I Help You with Anything Today, Miss? will be offset by the raw emotion of What the Fuck is Your Problem, Man?
We need more columns about living in Baltimore, and as Editor-In-Chief I will actively search for talented Baltimore columnists with important things to say, and I will clear room for them on the pages by eliminating all of the ads but the sexy ones.
And instead of running ads for drug studies, my newspaper will be conducting its own.
And the newspaper should come with a free prize, like a lollipop stuck to the front of it.
And I don't know where to go to get a good haircut in this city. I think the paper needs to have a Barber Issue so we can get that information to the people.
And for all of those reasons and more, I sincerely endorse Mr. Wrong's campaign to be the next Editor-In-Chief of City Paper, because not only will he be too busy with all of his new-found responsibility to write his column, but I also believe that Mr. Wrong will have the wisdom, the foresight, and the good taste to hire me as his replacement, a position from which I could easily lock him in a closet and run the show on my own.
Wow, congratulations, Mr. Connor Meek! Plus, you got it done in like under 400 words, very Economical! This is the kind of Initiative and Energy everyone here at The Mr. Wrong Column has been looking for! You are the Grand Prize Winner! OK, yeah, it's the only prize!
Connor Meek, soon as you send me your mailing address I will ship out—with my Best Wishes and at my own Personal Expense—a semi-new black and yellow City Paper Beer Koozie, and as a Value-Added Award I would like to sign your petition to be entered into the election to be Mayor of Baltimore, which I read about in the Baltimore Sun newspaper, which I will now quote below, again in a different font:
Connor Meek, the 27-year-old whose opinion piece in the Baltimore Sun about police stations being closed led to policy reversal and heavy press coverage, has filed to run for mayor.
Meek this week filed as an unaffiliated candidate for mayor, meaning he will need to gather more than 4,000 signatures from registered voters in Baltimore to get on the ballot for the general election . . . Police in July ordered all city police stations to stay open around the clock after Meek wrote an account of how he was robbed of his bicycle and found the nearest station closed, drawing concern from community leaders and elected officials.
All right, wowee, this has really been an action-packed edition of The Mr. Wrong Column, man. Congrats again to Connor Meek (sorry about your bicycle), and just in case the Shiny-New EiC of City Paper is announced before Press Time, I would like to leave a space to put the new EiC's name, so, if we don't know the name of the Editor by Press Time, the below area will be blank, but if we do, then somebody will fill-in the name for me, and I then say congrats to Exciting and New City Paper Editor-in-Chief:
[ ____________________________ ]
Congratulations! Welcome to your new job!
Also and as always, con-grab-ulations to me for getting two columns outta this and being lucky enough to have Connor Meek and The Baltimore Sun help me fill my column inches, what with me being on Vacation again! Everybody wins! •
post: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER,
501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278