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With just one signing, Dan Duquette and Peter Angelos rewrote the Orioles off season playbook.
Hey Spring, thanks for coming. I don't want to sound like an ass-hat or anything, but your brother Winter was a royal douche this year. I hope you're planning something nice. The Orioles? You bring the Orioles every year. You added free agents this go-round? Like, 75-year-old retreaded also-rans, right? Maybe Sammy Sosa's grandfather or a homunculus slapped together from pine tar, Louisville Slugger bat shavings, and the pickled liver of Babe Ruth? I hear Albert Belle has finally finished his court-ordered anger management and is available. I think the O's have finally paid off his last contract, so they could use that money to re-sign him. Wait, they landed Nelson Cruz for only $8 million, you say? Wow! They signed Korean pitcher Suk-min Yoon-who, while coveted by many teams, had never played in the States-for $5.75 million, and they gave starter Ubaldo Jimenez a four-year deal? The Orioles did that? Did Peter Angelos mysteriously vanish after the Grant Balfour deal fell through? Has someone checked Dan Duquette's steamer trunk? Are there muffled screams coming out of Buck Showalter's closet? Wait, forget I asked. Let sleeping Angeloses lie.
March 19, 2014