Savage Love By Dan Savage

Savage Love: Hard Limits

I've read your column for as long as I had access to the internet and was interested in sex, so here goes: I'm a 27-year-old male with a 42-year-old girlfriend. We met at work; we were both going through divorce. At the beginning, holy moly! My dream girl in the bedroom. We've been together for a year, and the sex is still the best I've ever had—she says she feels the same—but it's vanilla. I am assertive and in-control in the bedroom, which works for both of us, as she prefers to be passive and wants me to make moves or switch it up. I want to do other things, but she doesn't want to do anything anymore other than missionary-position sex. Anal, oral, watching porn together, bondage, voyeurism—she's not up for any of it. There's always an excuse: "I'm not young like you," "I'm not flexible like you," "I have done that before and don't like it, no, no, no." Do I just suck it up and be grateful for what I have or what?

She Hates Options Totally, Desires One Way Now

She wants you to be in control and switch it up but doesn't want to do any of the things you suggest when you take control and attempt to switch things up. Hmm. Either you're bad at everything you've attempted other than missionary, SHOTDOWN, or she has a very limited sexual repertoire and/or actual physical limitations or health issues she hasn't divulged to you.

Considering the age difference here, and considering that this is a post-divorce rebound relationship for you both, the odds are stacked against anything long-term. I don't mean this relationship is doomed to fail. What I mean is this: You'll probably be together for another year or two before parting ways. While most people would define that as a "failed relationship," anyone who's been reading my column for as long as he's been interested in sex can tell you that I don't define failure that way. If two people are together for a time, if they enjoy each other's company (and genitals), if they part amicably and always remember each other fondly and/or remain friends, their relationship can be counted as a success—even if both parties get out of it alive and go on to form new relationships.

In the meantime, SHOTDOWN, enjoy the amazing vanilla sex for as long as it lasts—which could be forever. Anyone who's been reading my column for as long as he's been interested in sex knows that I'm not always right.

My BF and I have been dating for two years. He's 21; I'm 20 (and female). When I noticed my boyfriend wanted his ass played with and liked being submissive, I couldn't help but wonder if something more was going on. I snooped through his browser history (not my proudest moment) and found he was looking at pictures of naked men. Then I saw he posted an ad on Craigslist under "men seeking men." He responded to one person, saying he wasn't sure if he was straight or bi, but he had a car and could drive over! The guy responded saying how about tonight, and my BF never responded to him. I confronted him. He explained it was just a fantasy he had, he's totally straight, and he was never planning on going through with it. After the dust settled, he told me he never wanted to lose me. We then went to a sex shop and bought a strap-on dildo for me to use on him, which we both really enjoy. He bought me a diamond bracelet as an apology and promised never to fuck up again. A couple months have passed, and things are great, but I still feel bothered. He loves my tits, ass, and pussy. He eats me out and initiates sex as often as I do. Just cuddling with me gets him hard. Which is why I'm even more perplexed. He doesn't like to talk about the Craigslist incident and gets upset when I bring it up. Should I leave it alone? Is my boyfriend secretly gay?

Confused And Curious

Let's review the facts: Your boyfriend digs your tits, cuddling you makes him hard, and he loves eating your pussy. You also discovered an ad your boyfriend posted to Craigslist where he said he wasn't sure if he was bi or straight, a discovery that created a crisis in your relationship, a crisis that was resolved with a strap-on dildo and a diamond bracelet.

Your boyfriend isn't "secretly gay," CAC, he's "actually bisexual." You know, like he said he was—or said he might be (but totally is)—in that e-mail exchange you found.

At this point, I'm required to tell you that bisexuals are just as capable of honoring monogamous commitments as monosexuals, i.e., gays, lesbians, and breeders. But since the data shows that monosexuals are bad at monogamy—the data says bisexuals are too—I'm not sure why I'm required to say that or how it's supposed to be comforting. But even if your boyfriend never has sex with a man, CAC, even if it takes him years to drop the "totally straight" line, you should go ahead and accept the fact that your boyfriend is bisexual. Pretend to be shocked when he finally comes out to you—there might be a necklace in it for you—and then get busy setting up your first MMF threesome.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. We're both 29 and are in the process of creating a future together: We live together, we have a great social life, we adopted a dog. We're compatible, and I do love her. However, our sex life could be a whole lot better. I like sex to be kinky, and she likes it vanilla. She is adamant about monogamy, while I want to be monogamish. I feel strongly that this is who I am sexually and my sexual desires are not something I can change. My girlfriend thinks I'm searching for something I'll never find and says I need to work through it. Because we are so compatible in every other aspect of our relationship, should I keep trying to work past the unsatisfying sex?

Needs Advice, Want Threesomes

Divorce courts are filled to bursting with couples who made the same mistake you and your girlfriend are currently making—a mistake that gets harder to unmake with every dog you adopt or lease you sign. You're not sexually compatible, NAWT—and sexual incompatibility is a perfectly legitimate reason to end an otherwise good relationship. The importance of sexual compatibility in sexually exclusive relationships (the kind your girlfriend wants) cannot be stressed enough. Sexual compatibility is important in open and/or monogamish relationships too, of course, but there are work-arounds in an open relationship.

The gaslight bar is set so low these days that I'm going to go ahead and accuse your girlfriend of gaslighting you: There are people out there who have the kind of relationship you would like to have—it's a lie that no one has a GGG partner or a successful monogamish relationship—and I have it on good authority that many of these people are straight. You'll never find everything you want, NAWT, since no one gets everything they want. But you're too young to settle for the girlfriend you've got.

You've already made the dog mistake. Get out before you make the child mistake.

On the Lovecast, an interview with the creator of the Love Is Love comics collection: savagelovecast.com.

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