Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: My Money is Taking a Bank Holiday in the Toilet

The Mr. Wrong Column has been listening to a lot of Bloomberg Radio lately

There is a new radio station here in town called the Bloomberg Radio, and it is all about Business, and you can get at it on a radio via Frequency Modulation (FM) at 99.1, and there's traffic and weather for Baltimore and the D. of C., and if you don't have a radio you can use your computerized whatever to click/touch/swipe on bloomberg.com/audio, and it is also on the Satellite Radio at channel 119, which you can experience with a registered Satellite Radio receiver or a subscription to the SiriusXM website, which is a better experience than listening through a receiver, unless you happen to work someplace where the IT Department is looking for "bandwidth seepage" and then it gets blocked off your work computer so you end up listening to it on your cellular telephone while compulsively dialing in to your hashtag-data number to make sure you don't go over the megabytes of your phone plan, which used to be Unlimited, but then they (the Verizon) decided to jack anybody with an old "Unlimited" plan another 20 bucks a month, even if they (me) only use about 2 megablurbs a month, on account of I haz a G3 phone, but then I fell for their trap and bought one of those new LTE joints and now for the same exact bandwidths I used to listen to on my iPhone 4, it's like 6 megamurps a blip on my iPhone 6. Fuckers.

Anyway, I am listening to the Bloomberg Radio a lot these days because I am addicted to hearing how terrible the Stock Market is doing, and I am never ever gonna look at my 401(k) ever again until I start getting a bill from my so-called Investment Plan telling me I have to start paying them to maintain a Zero balance. All the talkers talking on the Bloomberg were talking like, "whew, we had a bad day, that Chinese thing really zigged when it shoulda zagged, oh well, we'll get it back Monday," and then after about a week of the Market—that's what I call the Stock Market now that I am a Bloomberg "insider"—going all swirly down the toidy, the discussion changed to "hey are we maybe in a 'Bear' market," which means all the stocks in my 401(k) are now worthless and my Powerball ticket purchases are no longer (jokingly) referred to as my Retirement Plan.

I need an Investment Adviser to work me up a spreadsheet on how many Powerball tickets I coulda bought with the dough that melted outta my 401(k), you know? Plus, it woulda been more fun, even if/when I lost the Powerball, because there'd be that extended period of fantasizing about how many desert islands and yachts I could buy with my lottery winnings, as opposed to wondering how many points I am getting jammed out of as fees for touching my money as it bleeds out of my 401(k).

The other thing I keep hearing on the Bloomberg is, you know, "remember, you're in it for the 'long run,'" and I'm not gonna make any dead-Eagles jokes, but that is some classic con-artist double-talk, man, I mean, what about the people who have been in it for "the long run" but they are at the end of their run and are looking to cash out? They are retired, probably, and had one of those Plans about how they were gonna live out the rest of their days funded by sipping 4 percent a year off the top of their nest egg, but that egg just got fried! There's some suddenly broke people out there right now glad to hear the Burger King might be paying $15 an hour.

OK, getting back to this fucking radio station, the thing that really hacked me off was hearing Bank of America just posted a third-quarter profit of $4.51 billion. Three months, yo, that's like three record-breaking Powerball jackpots they cashed, in three months, and there's people out there who win the lottery and besides paying off their Credit Cards, one of the things you always hear jackpot winners say is they are gonna pay off their College Loan, right? How many people do you know who are broke because they have to service their College Debt? Everybody's broke in different ways, man.

So look, I voted for Barack Hussein Obama II to be 44th President of The United States of America, and then I re-upped, and he's my guy, but I gotta say I was a li'l bit disappointed by his final State of the Union speech, because he had a chance to really take a shot, man, really leave a mark, I mean, he's the guy who helped save all these fucking banks, and he helped make sure the ones that were too big to fail (and failed) got bailed out, and then I hear on this Bloomberg Radio That's Giving Me an Ulcer that the Bank of motherfucking America is up three Powerballs and Goldman Sachs, with all the rotten mortgages We The People hadda eat, fucking Goldman just paid a fine that will cost $5.1 billion, AND THEY ARE OK WITH IT! BECAUSE THEY ARE SWIMMING IN THE DOUGH THEY SLURPED OUT OF MY 401(k)?!? Ack!

My President shoulda announced that Bank of America and Goldman Sachs and whatever the other ones are called were gonna let anybody with a crippling College Loan slide off that thing, see? Bail out! Reset! Just like the stupid banks! And then they (the goddamn banks) were going to be part of this plan to get people into college tuition-free for two years. And I know all about how the so-called College Debt Crisis equals $1.2 Trillion, and a Trillion equals a Thousand Million, so we just let the banks work it off on Layaway, OK?

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