Hey Baltimore, and deeper still, hey baseball, it is almost time for the real-live Baseball Season, after this long-ass Winter of Our Discontent! On a personal note, I am super-excited to announce that I am very excited about Baseball Season, and I am extra excited to exist on this planet as the proud participant of 50 percent of a 13-Game “Partial Season Plan” I got in on last year trying to get a leg up on some Playoffs tickets, if you remember last year, right? Remember? OK, yeah, you’re right, let’s forget about Last Year, because now it is This Year, and This Year is gonna be The Year, right? Yeah! Baseball! Also: Beer.
I’m not kidding, I totally need some Baseball in my life this Spring and Summer and Fall to rinse the taste of this salty and unpleasant Winter out of my brain. I am having a Delayed Snow-Syndrome Moment, sorry, OK, yeah, Baseball! Let’s have some!
Fans of Baseball in Baltimore, if you’re like me (and for your sake, I hope you mostly are not), you enjoy going to Oriole Park at Camden Yards to witness the pastoral splendor of Orioles Baseball (with beer), and there may be games featuring promotions and giveaways which appeal to you. I dunno exactly about the Promotions, but the Giveaways, that’s when you get a T-shirt, or a ball cap, or a magnet, or a stupid bobblehead (yuck) if you happen to be among the first 20,000 people or whatever to enter the ballpark on a given day, you get handed a free Orioles-related thing, and sometimes it’s kind of a cool or fun free Orioles-related thing, then other times it’s a dopey bobblehead, bleah. I guess the Promotions aspect is if there’s a logo of something affixed to your giveaway item, right?
I am all about receiving Promotional and/or Giveaway Items as I enter Oriole Park at Camden Yards to witness a display of Orioles Magic, baseball-wise, in terms of winning, and there’s nothing that makes a mark in that Win column sweeter than also being the proud new owner of some sorta given-away (to me) thing, again, if it is a halfway-decent item and not a crummy bobblehead. As your Consumer Advocate of Free Baseball Crap, without having received any sort of Promotional Consideration, I would like to announce after an exhaustive study, I officially conclude that this Year of Our Lord 2015, with interest and runs batted in, is the greatest and at the same time simultaneously dichotomy-ously the most horrible and awful-est season of Promotional Giveaways ever perpetrated by Your Baltimore Orioles toward you, the Consumer of Baseball Sports Entertainment. And beer. I always scope out the list of stuff the O’s are giving away in advance, because I already have lotsa (Promotional) Orioles T-shirts, and I do not care to sport a baseball cap, frontward or backward, so usually all I care about is Floppy Hat Night, which is a Giveaway Item that almost always is Promotional for the Miller Lite beer product, which I do not ever drink, so that shows you how effective of a Promotional it is. I looked at the Orioles site, where they (and you know who They are) put the list of the Promotionals, and the Giveaways, and the very first one that jumped out at me has already happened, down at the Spring Training games the O’s play in Sarasota, Florida, and it was for something worse than a bobblehead! I never imagined there could be anything more terrible than one of those bobbleheads, but there totally is! It’s a plastic hanger! I’m not kidding, on March 5 of this year, Your Spring Training Orioles handed out, to the “first 3,000 fans 15 & over,” an “Orioles Clothing Hanger,” which was presented by Hung By, a company that offers hangers “Proudly Made In America,” and no offense to the Hung By people, but a clothes hanger is a pretty disappointing Promotional Giveaway, yow.
But look, there are some good things, I think, on the schedule for the real Baseball Season, when the games count. There are some items you would maybe pay cash money for, as a baseball fan, such as the Orioles Hooded Sweatshirt being handed out to the first 25,000 people when Your Baltimore Orioles play the Kansas City Royals on Sept. 11, hmm, I wonder if baseball attendance goes down on Sept. 11, owing to people thinking about The Enemy? I wouldn’t go to that game because I am not too interested in watching the Royals, but that free “Orioles Hooded Sweatshirt,” the picture of it on the Website looks nice, it is black, and it has a zipper, and well, a hood, and a big orioles in script across the front, that might put me inside the ballpark, you know? Certainly not an “Orioles Pet Leash” (Aug. 23), or “Buck Showalter Garden Gnome” (June 27), that’s terrible, man, children are going to have nightmares about the Manager of the Orioles being out in their garden all day and night, just standing there, staring. Who wants that? Not me! I’ll be there for sure on “Orioles Plaid Floppy Hat” night (July 10), and maybe for “Orioles Hawaiian Shirt” (July 12), because I think it would be fun to make people’s eyes bleed pairing up the wackily patterned orange-and-black shirt with the loud plaid floppy hat of similar coloration, ouch, there’s a lot going on with the patterns and stuff, but it’s a million times better than a bobblehead, what good is one of those? I mean, even a Garden Gnome scares away moles or something, from your garden? Anyway, bobbleheads are stupid, thank you. Go O’s.