I have said this before, but nothing ever stops me from saying the same stuff over and over, so I totally haz a bully pulpit here atop the Mr. Wrong column, featured in Baltimore’s Free Weekly Alternative to The Baltimore Sun that it is Owned by, with Ads in The Back to Be A Drug-Test Subject Plus Strip Joints Weekly, and I frequently use said platform, pedestal, and long-neglected catbox for Complaining. If Complaining was a form of the Martial Arts, I would have a translucent belt in it, to the infinity degree, hee-yah! Plus suspenders! Urgh!
Anyway, to get back to the Complaints Dep’t, I would like to address the recent change in the pixel presentation of City Paper, which I will blame on the Current Ownership. First of all, I am not Biting the Hand that Signs My Checks here, I got no beef with The Sun, in fact, I was one of the early theorizers as to the current state of City Paper ownership, and they (and you know who They are) made a solid Business Move, absorbing their competition for Advertising Dollars during a contraction of the Print Media landscape or whatever. So it’s less biting the hand that feeds me as it is criticizing the manicure on the fingernails of the hand that auto-signs my paycheck because for some reason the Direct Deposit paperwork didn’t go through properly. I think I forgot to attach a voided check to the paperwork, because I remember thinking: “Why the fuck am I giving these guys a check? From me? They are supposed to pay me! I already wrote down my Bank Routing Number and my Checking Account Number, so now they can send the number ‘150’ to my numbers, and I am Paid in Full for my column, weekly! What am I giving them a check for? This is supposed to be a One-Way Street! Gimme! Gimme!” But I still get a check, and I promise, on the eco-Green aspect of obtaining my cash-money-Green for the Mr. Wrong Column, I will cut out the middleman and contact the people who sign my checks (Thank You Very Much) as soon as I can figure out their fucking name-scribbles, one looks like “Brian Litmrnmrnnn,” and the other one looks like “CBYjZilrr M,” or maybe that’s one of those “The Third” deals, as in “III,” Roman Numerically, and I will go Paperless, this is my pledge to you as a non-candidate for Public Office, which, by the way something, if you are bored by the election of the Lieutenant Gov. to be the next Gov., which is a fait accompli, if you will, in advance of the so-called General Election, and you if did not vote in the Primary, then thanks for nothing, because we had a shot at getting in a pro-weed candidate who did zero Negative Campaigning and was all about what she was gonna do as Governor, so I hope you’re happy. Anyway, I’m gonna write her in on my General Election ballot, because now I am bored with soon-to-be-Gov. Anthony Brown unless he does something. I mean, even if he fucks something up, it’d be something, as opposed to what’s coming out of that office of Lt. Gov. OK, now, back to bitching about the City Paper website, because seriously, What The Fuck? Where are my links? Where is the “Comments” part on the homepage where all the commenters make their comments and descend into endless mutual disparagements that render the articles above them moot?
If you, the Gentle Reader of The Mr. Wrong Column, see a problem on the City Paper website, I urge you to send it to the attention of the Editor, Evan Serpick, and you can find his email here at this easy-to-remember link: http://www.citypaper.com/about/masthead/bcp-masthead,0,5006192.htmlstory, and while you are at it, Eventual Fixers of the City Paper Website, you might wanna update that staff info, just saying (Ed. note: fixed!).
More complaining! Where is the gallery of mini-covers to help find old articles because nobody knows the date of an article or the issue number, are you kidding (Ed. note: fixed! Sort of—we're working on it!)? City Paper does 52 or 53 (Leap Year) Issues a year and almost none of The Public ever uses that info when they call the paper and ask about an old image, it’s always like, “Yeah, I think it was like a few weeks ago, in the paper, there was this article about that guy who had a thing and somebody did an article? Well, that’s my cousin, and I want to get a copy of that picture from you, so I can give it to him in a frame, I think that’d be nice? Yeah, I don’t remember what the date was . . .” But if you show people a page of covers, they will remember it, or close to it, if they saw it, and then realize that it was four months ago or whatever, and wait, I gotta pay money for a photograph, whaddya mean “just use the page from the paper” if I want it for nothing, etc., and hey, that’s not even my cousin, but meanwhile, Baltimore Sun Company, LLC, help the Public, man, make it easy for stuff to be found on the website! There’s like links since The Year 1997 up in there! I know there are a lot of Technical Reasons why so much stuff is broken, and I have to Believe there will be a way to fix it, but it’s killin’ me, selfish self-interestwise, that Tweets on my Tweeter that are links to my City Paper stuff are doing “404,” you know? That is the name of the Error Page you get when a Web Site no haz the thing you are attempting to Uniform Resource Locator-locate, in Internetspeak. Before all the bits and bytes got switched over, the City Paper “404” page used to have a picture of the Besty™ mascot all tangled up in some computer cables, and now it is super-depressing whitespace and it reads
"Sorry, but this page cannot be found.
CityPaper.com was recently overhauled and many links have changed, although all archived content is or will soon be available online. Please try searching in the search box below."
Unless they fixed it already? (Ed. note: We're workin' on it! Cut us some slack—it's been like two days!) I file my column on Friday, wa-aaay in advance of when the Pixels version of City Paper gets shoveled to the Web, so maybe somebody along the way will see this one complaint of mine in the pile of ass-pain it is to fix the site and hit it before we get it up on the Web? Unknown (to me, anyway) Baltimore Sun Company, LLC dumpers of City Paper onto the Internet, I challenge you!