Arroooo!!! Hey everybody, it's Summer! In honor of that, even though I am Underemployed from a Day Job, I am going on a Vacation I planned—and lucky for me, paid for—a long time ago, when I worked in an office. Arooo!!! I'm on Vacation this week! Right now! But nothing stops The Mr. Wrong Column from providing you, the Gentle Reader, with a steaming, freshly minted new pile of Weekly Column, not even the Sacrament of Vacation, because I am Columnist! Always Be Columning!

I am in the Scenic and Beautiful Adirondacks of New York right now, and I am getting ready, after I complete the Next Chapter of The Mr. Wrong Column right here, the one you are reading or having read to you by computer robot voice, to enjoy a lovely Vacation can of beautiful beer, and then another, and another, andanotherandanother, but right now, I am columning, so I'm not drunk or anything yet, mostly because I just got here to the lake, and secondly—but more importantly with respect to my unwritten and nonbinding Contract (don't sue) with you, the Gentle Reader, to provide you with Column on the weekly—I can't be drinking beer and writing my column, because if I drink a beer, that basically makes me want to drink More beer, and then I'm not writing the column, you dig? I take my Profession seriously, man.

I don't understand these Writerly type writers who sit around and drink scotches and stuff while they are Writering? That's hard-core, man, I don't think I could do that, even though that's how my column looks sometimes, I know, I know, but no kidding, I think maybe a coupla times I mighta had a cocktail or two before I pecked out a column, but most of the time, to the best of my repressed memory, when I crap out a Mr. Wrong Column, I'm stone-cold sober! No drinks! No Mind-Altering Substances except Television! No dope smoking! No nothing! Water! Pepsi!

However, and not to get all Advocatus Diaboli and everything, I am on an official Vacation, right now, and I am lakeside by the side of a lake, and it's sunny and breezy and there's all this beer in various coolers coolering, I should totally just crack one open and see how it goes, eh? I mean, this isn't any kind of Alcoholics Anonymous thing, man, I have gone on record in the past as stating I would never become an Alcoholic, because that would mean I could never drink beer again, does that make sense? Man, Vacation would suck if I could not enjoy beer, seriously. Is it bad to say that? If somebody told me I could not drink beers anymore because it would kill me or something (I mean like quickly), I would totally stop drinking beers and alcohol, I swear. I wonder if you could get on the Medical Marijuana because of that?

Anyway, what are you doing? Are you gonna go on Vacation? It's Summertime and the Livin' is Supposed to be Easy! How are you living? Personally, I am living Large! Vacation! Beer! I hope you get to go on a Vacation soon, even if it's just for one day, even if it's just in your Mind, you know? Vacation is Important! If you do a Summer Vacation this Summer, write me and tell me How You Spent Your Summer Vacation and I will publish the results, heavily edited, and I will award some sort of a Prize, OK?

I know a lot of people here in Baltimore, America, like to go to Ocean City, Maryland for some Vacation, and I would like to state for the record I have been to Ocean City many times and I have enjoyed the Boardwalk, where they have all kindsa crazy fun shit to do, and there are the famous french fries of that Thrasher's place, and bumper cars and stuff, and there's a bar down toward the amusement-park end of the boardwalk called Cork Bar and Grill, where they have all these dollar bills tacked up on the ceiling of the bar for like ambiance or something, and there were all these people in the joint, but there was no music playing, I mean, this place has a juke box and everything, and there was no music playing, so I went and put in a buncha money and got some music going, because it's a fucking bar, you know? Juke box! Anyway, the bartender told me my first drink was on the house (a cold, frosty mug of beer, FYI), on account of he appreciated my getting the juke box going. Respect! Beer!

I heard they (and you know who They are) have a thing now in Ocean City where they are trying to get people to cut down on Profanity in public on the Boardwalk, and I understand this is America and there's Free Speech and shit, but Ocean City is kind of a Family place, I mean there are lots of people walking around half-naked, but that's because of the Ocean part of Ocean City, so that's appropriate for the environment, like, as opposed to wearing short shorts and a mesh tank top in an Office environment, right? Unless you work in a Strip Joint? So there's kids all over the place in Ocean City, you know? They are on the Boardwalk with their families and I think it makes sense to ask people to not say Bad Words on the Boardwalk, that's all I'm saying, I don't know about The Law or whatever, but if somebody puts up some signs that say NO PROFANITY then maybe people will think twice about their swears on the Boardwalk, it couldn't hurt. I mean, there is also a large Drunk Yahoo population in Ocean City during the Summer, and I'm not sure how many Inebriates will be bothering to Obey the suggestions to refrain from cursing, so look, if you see me on the Boardwalk later this Summer and I say a Bad Word too loud, it wasn't on purpose. Let's have a great fucking Summer! Arrooo!

WRONGCOLUMN@GMAIL.COM