Hey everybody, there are lots of reasons not to read The Mr. Wrong Column, but if you were thinking about reading this Column today but do not Own or Look at a Television, ever, then you probably oughta just go ahead and skip along to the rest of this week's fun-filled, fact-filled episode of City Paper-paper or Internet, because I am talking Teevee today, on account of I am a lifelong Television Addict! High-Functioning!
I have existed in pretty much every State of Being, with respect to how I ingest Teevee. I have gone analog, digital, cable, no-cable, splitter-mooching cable with a box and a "filter" I got off a corrupt Cable Guy (allegedly), satellite, Hulu, Netflix, Roku, Apple TV, and the Alpha Transmission: Broadcast Television, straight broadcast, snatching crumbs of Television from the very Air we breathe. I have television sets in my house that are so old, just to watch regular free Broadcast TV, I hadda go and get those Digital Television Converter boxes when they (and you know who They are) forced the Broadcast Television Broadcasters to abandon Analog TV and switch to Digital under the Digital Transition and Public Safety Act of 2005. That's how hard I go with Television, I know the Legal Name of an Act of Congress! Teevee!
Right now I am in the final stage of Acceptance of my Teevee Addiction, which is: whatever is the Easiest! Television is a passive experience! Lean Back, wa-aaaaay back! But not so far back you can't eat some snacks and stuff while you are watching, right? Urp! Anyway, my current level of Teevee Ingestion is the Comcast Cable Television, which also insists on calling itself "Xfinity," but when I haz a dispute about my Cable TV bill, I dial 1-800-COMCAST, see?
A couple-few-six-whatever months ago, I noticed I was getting charged for Digital VCR or whatever on my Comcast, and I did not want to record stuff off Cable, because that's too much work, OK? I just want it to be like a faucet, you know? Open the Teevee Spigot and let it Flow. Recording stuff is totally Lean Forward activity. It's Activity! I do not want to be Active when I am enjoying Teevee! I want to be bathed in Teevee! I called up the 1-800-COMCAST and talked to the very nice Julie from Comcast (if that was her real name), and she concluded that when the Cable Guy hooked up my most recent Cable Box, it was a recording box, and then they (Comcast) were inspecting my Cable TV in an "audit" or something, where they send electrical signals into your Cable or something to determine if you are stealing Cable TV, I guess, because that's what I'd do if I were Comcast, man, I'd be looking for errbody who is splicing lines and plugging the cable straight into their TVs and stuff, in fact, as a sidebar, I got a letter from Comcast the other day that said you won't be able to just plug a Cable-TV cable directly into a television anymore, which has been a way to get the bare-bones Cable TV and also a way to thieve some Cable TV. Anyway, a coupla calls and a trip to the depressing and grimy Comcast bunker at 5801 Metro Drive here in Baltimore (seriously, Comcast, you wanna improve the Customer Experience, try sprucing up that room a little, it's a serious bummer standing on line in there, maybe try and do like Motor Vehicle, with places for people to sit and wait for their number to be called), I had not achieved Customer Satisfaction in terms of getting my bill adjusted for the DVR service I did not want and did not use. So-ooo, in the manner in which I bitch about everything else, I bitched about it right here, in a previous broadcast of The Mr. Wrong Column, dated May 7, 2014, Anno Domini. A week later I got a call to my personal phone number, from a person identifying herself as "Bridget from Comcast," and she asked me if I was that person, who had the problem with their bill.
Comcast called me, you dig? And then in the person of Bridget from Comcast, they set about Resolving my Issue! Comcast! Customer Service! I told Bridget from Comcast I would Publicly acknowledge her for her work straightening out my bill and giving me the $80 credit for the DVR thing I never used, and I did that via Twitter-tweet, and I am also doing that right here in the Mr. Wrong Column, but I am an Ingrate, and in that regard, I gotta ask, how creepy is it that they called me? I didn't put my phone number in the column, you know? I'm kinda surprised I didn't just see something on my TV screen WE SAW WHAT YOU WROTE AND WE WANT TO FIX IT SO YOU WILL BE QUIET. ALSO YOU HAVE CHEETOS DUST ALL OVER YOUR T-SHIRT, JUST SAYING HAVE A LITTLE MORE SELF-RESPECT. Also, I got this issue resolved because I bitched about it in The Mr. Wrong Column! Bully Pulpit! That's pretty cool, that I got my problem solved, but also, how fucked up is it that the way I got my problem solved was because I flexed the Power of The Mr. Wrong Column in the Press and Pixels of City Paper?
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR COMCAST ISSUES: WRONGCOLUMN@GMAIL.COM