Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod

Mr. Wrong: It's bacteria season

Mr. Wrong: It's bacteria season

This November has started out Unseasonably Warm, eh? I guess it's nice to not have to think about turning the heat on (whatever, the heat does not come on in my castle until Thanksgiving), and we can all save a few bucks on the power bill before Winter decides to give us all full-body Brain Freezes, but, look, I do not approve of warm, humid days this time of year, and here's why; it means all the Normal stuff—such as Insects—that thrive in the Warm Weather get to enjoy a Bonus Season of Existence, and I know it's Nature, but that's just Unnatural, man. To every thing there is supposed to be a Season, and it's enough with the Insects for one year, c'mon.

The implications of all this recent Mild Weather is there's still clouds of blood-sucking Mosquitos flying around outside my house ready to foul my Temple with all manner of Malaria, Dengue Fever, Filariasis, West Nile Virus, Yellow Fever, Japanese Encephalitis, Saint Louis Encephalitis, Western Equine Encephalitis, Eastern Equine Encephalitis, Venezuelan Equine Encephalitis, La Crosse Encephalitis, Zika Fever, and Chikungunya! Did you notice the crop of Mosquitos this year? They're hungry! I dunno about your place, but around my domicile we had these nasty little teeny-weeny Mosquitos that were super fast, man, they were like mature Housefly speed, and wow, hey, Flies, those are completely disgusting when there's some vestigial Warmth, man, you get these gigantor flying boogers sailing around, which is irritating because they should be dead! Season over! We need a regimen of Killing Frosts as Nature intended, to wipe out any Insects or creepy Amoebas or Necrotizing Fasciitis, a/k/a Flesh-Eating Bacteria out there just lying around waiting to flip the switch and destroy us all.

I also have a Theory that this Unnatural Weather creates a Geometrically-multiplied Vector-Opportunity for Cold and Flu Season. It's fucking Cold and Flu Season, everybody! H3N2! People haz it right now, the Flu. You should go right now and wash your hands.

Plus, if you believe in Flu Shots, you should totally go get you one, even if it's a Generic Placebo or whatever. That's why we're all supposed to have the Obamacare, so you can just walk into a pharmacy now and somebody will shoot it into you, the Flu Shot, but you should also wash your hands, and not with that stupid Anti-Bacterial soap, that stuff is accelerating the Social Darwinism of Bacteria, I'm not alone in this thought, you gotta let the Average Bacteria live long and prosper because that keeps the deadly Super Bacteria from getting an Evolutionary toehold—or flagellumhold or whatever they got—on this Planet. See? Antibacterial soap doesn't clean the dirt off of your hands, OK? All it does is it just, like, cleans the Bacteria off of the Dirt that's on your hands, so you have these Bacteria-hand plots of empty Real Estate, with all these little micro-nooks and crannies that are perfect for some Mutant Super-Bacs to set up shop, and then you come back every now and then with the Antibacterial goop and keep wiping out any other Regular Bacterias that might give the Super-Bac a run for its money, and so the Super-Bac gets a monopoly on your hands, and then you touch a whole bunch of stuff with your pestilential, so-called Clean hands, and then I come along and touch one goddamn thing and now I got a Super-Bac farm spreadin' out so far and wide on my person someplace, and I didn't get my Flu Shot yet, goddammit!

We must Unite and fight the Bacteria naturally, with all of our fully-activated Immune Systems, not compromised ones propped up by this Antibacterial stuff, and not to be spritzing that goddamn Bacteria Killer product on everything.

Meanwhile, I think we're doomed, because this paint company, Sherwin-Williams, is making this "Paint Shield" stuff, some sorta Antibacterial paint you can slop onto your walls and it's supposed to kill all the germs. I dunno, man. Just go wash your hands, please, right now. It's the best thing you can do, it stops the Bacteria from getting free transportation, from you with Bacteria all over your hands, or somebody else who Bacteria-touched a whole buncha surfaces and doorknobs and gas pump handles. I mean, think about all the things you already touched today with your naked mitts, and then just now, probably, you just touched your eye, and that's like the Red Carpet entrance for Bacteria into the inside of your body, where you can't rub that stupid Antibacteria lube all over everything, jeez.

What I wanna know is what is the agenda of this Paint Company, Sherwin-Williams, to get into this Antibacteria thing, you know? I mean, have you ever seen the Sherwin-Williams Logo and their Slogan? Their Slogo? It's a goddamn globe of the Earth getting covered in blood-red paint, and it says "COVER THE EARTH," no kidding, that's their fucking plan, man, Sherwin-Williams wants to submit us to a New World Order of Bacteria-Evolution accelerating paint! Don't fall for it!

At some point there's gonna be this Antibacteria paint all over everything and then the latest generation of mutated Super-Bacs are gonna start eating the paint, you wait and see. Before then, go wash your hands, and by the time you get back, the Ultimate Bacteria (which used to be my Professional Wrestling name) is gonna merge with Artificial Computer Intelligence and then they are gonna smash all the self-driving cars into the regular cars and we're all Doomed again. Maybe you should just wear gloves all the time, OK? And then go wash your gloves.

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