MR. WRONG

Mr. Wrong: Unofficial pie is better than official cake

I saw on the pages of the Chicago Tribune (which is owned by the company that owns the very Alternative Newsweekly in which the Mr. Wrong Column appears) that “the Illinois House overwhelmingly voted Thursday to declare pumpkin pie the official state...

Mr. Wrong: Why do you think they smoke it, dope?

As the Leisure Party’s candidate for United States Senator, I am officially on board with Complete and Utter Legalization of the Marijuana drug. Mostly...

Mr. Wrong: Now is the season of complaining about baseball

All right! This week is Baseball Season, and for me, that means I have a whole entire Season to look forward to! A Season of complaining about things having to...

Mr. Wrong: It's free Baltimore Orioles baseball crap season

Hey Baltimore, and deeper still, hey baseball, it is almost time for the real-live Baseball Season, after this long-ass Winter of Our...

Mr. Wrong: Today's column features a valuable prize and you probably did not win it

A couple-few weeks ago right here in the metaphysical space of The Mr. Wrong Column we examined the endless irritation provided by the “Point of...

Mr. Wrong: Ain't nothin' like a house party

I am a proud Homeowner here in The City That Still Has “Ground Rent,” and deeper still, I am a Good Neighbor. When I make a party at my house, I...

Mr. Wrong: Onward to kill winter for the victory of the groundhog

I am kinda proud of my the way My Fellow Baltimoreans have been handling this brutal Winter we are almost quit of, seriously. Other Winters, there’s been...

Mr. Wrong: My shopping list of grievances with an unnamed supermarket in Baltimore

I did a Bad Thing in a Supermarket, which will remain Nameless—the Supermarket, not the Bad Thing, I am getting ready to tell you the Bad Thing—but...

Mr. Wrong: I'm Baltimore as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore

Hey Baltimore, let’s crack open this week’s installment of The Mr. Wrong Column with a letter from my new pal, Eric from Queens:

Mr. Wrong: Light for all, on the LED Art Board and an impending colonoscopy

I enjoy that giant electronic billboard up on Charles Street, in the, what is it, Station North, area? It’s a coupla blocks south of North Avenue? It...

Mr. Wrong: Taking a big hot take on a flat screen

I don’t know about you—and why would I—but when I go to a nice, dark, cozy, relaxing, and restorative tavern, and...

Mr. Wrong: The bright light from my hot button is giving me a headache

Like many U.S. Americans, I have a few “Hot Button” issues, I ain’t gonna lie, there are things that just get me cheesed off in a totally...

Mr. Wrong: Super Bowl XLIX, Enjoy the Swirl

Next week is one of my High Holidays, one of the Holiest of Holies, one of the Most Important Days in the runup to Groundhog Day, man, yeah, seriously, next week—Sunday,...

Mr. Wrong: Everybody Please Make Dollars, It's Business Never Personal

I am very Pro-Development here in My Baltimore, in terms of how I support the Idea that the Business of America is Business, and The Business of Business is Business, so...

Mr. Wrong: The Minimum-Wage Statue of Liberty is a Pimp-Pawn Used in The Man's War on Your Subsistence-Level Income

Every once in a while here at the Mr. Wrong column we turn our attention to The Children because they are indeed The Future, which, you know,...

Mr. Wrong: Once you Gain the Ability to Appreciate Nothing it is Something Quite Unlike Anything

Woweeee! This is absolutely one of my favemost times of year right now, seriously. Because it is Nothing! I mean, Your Results May Vary, but personally and for...

Mr. Wrong: The Resonation of my Personal Revolution in New Year's Resolutions

This is the final installment of The Mr. Wrong Column for The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Fourteen and Zero Cents, and for me it’s a super-fun disco bonus on account of,...

Mr. Wrong: I'm Totally Keeping the X in Xmas and it Doesn't Mean There's a War on Jesus Christmas

If you read the Mr. Wrong column in the form in which it is reproduced on newsprint, you might possibly be reading this steaming-fresh loaf of...

Mr. Wrong: It's the Most Top 10 Time of the Year

This iteration of the Mr. Wrong column is one of my fave-rave-favorites of the entire Sisyphean-year cycle of newspaper columning, to wit; the...

Mr. Wrong: You Should Support the Rights of the Protesters who Interrupt Holiday Stuff

OK look, I Believe even the most casual reader of the Mr. Wrong Column knows that errbody here in this space (OK, it’s just me) is all...

Mr. Wrong: The Gentle Readers Write Letters to The Mr. Wrong Column

Since it is The Holidays and stuff, I’m gonna take this opportunity to Ho Ho Ho all over the place in the form of a big fat present (to myself) by opening up my column-inches of...

Mr. Wrong: You should totally fucking holiday anyway you want, man

Now is The Holidays! It is easy to see how you might feel like you can’t do anything about it. This The Holidays thing, it is in some ways similar to the...

Mr. Wrong: Thanksgivingfullness will never have a finale

Hey turkeys, next week is my absolute fave-rave Holiday of the entire Calendar, to wit: Thanksgiving, and I say this as an Evolved human being who has (I...

Mr. Wrong: We Will Suck Every Drop of Oil Out of The Ground if it's the Last Fracking Thing We Do, But I need it to Happen Faster

Hey, do you remember Osama bin Laden? I’ll never forget that guy, for lotsa reasons, but mostly because one time he said oil should cost $144 a barrel,...

They Want You To Pay Faster So You Will Buy More Stuff, Fool

Things are getting Worse, man, now they (and you know who They are) have everybody all het up about this Apple Pay. Did you hear about the...

Mr. Wrong: Thanks to Mexico, I'm More Tolerant of Adult Halloween This Year

Usually I am just a li’l bit irritated with Halloween, specifically in terms of how I Believe it is mainly for The Children, and it’s primarily for the little...

You Need to Learn to Relax or the Stress Will Fucking Kill You Before the Thing That is Supposed to Kill You Gets the Chance

I am just a squirrel out there trying to get a nut, and, in the manner of the noble and industrious shadow-tailed Sciuridae, I am content with my fate to...

It's Cold and Flu and Ebola Season: Please to Go Wash Your Hands

Holy crap, I almost didn’t even notice, but it is now officially Cold and Flu season! Go wash your hands right now, seriously, get with the prophylaxis,...

This week it is officially Fall, and I for one am totally OK with that, because I had a great Summer, and I had some Summer Vacation action and I asked you,...

Q&A Transcript of a non-hypothetical Conversation Between my Legal Counsel and Me

I am happy to be using the space for this week’s session of the Mr. Wrong Column to announce that I have Officially Concluded my...

Best of Baltimore is the Best, of Baltimore, and it's Next Week Right Here in City Paper

Hey Baltimore, next week is my fave-rave time of the year, the Best episode of Baltimore’s Best Alternative Weekly, namely, City Paper’s Best of Baltimore, a year’...

The Simmering of Summer Movies

Hey man, Summer is almost over, but not yet! Depending on when this iteration of the Mr. Wrong Column is plopped onto some newspaper or pooped into a Web page, we haz over two whole...

I hate school, seriously, I have gone on record many times as saying there are many mornings I wake up (or regain consciousness, depending on my previous evening), clap my hands...

Frito-Lay: Stop Testing Potato Chips on Public

Like many U.S. Americans, I enjoy to snack on snack food products, as opposed to like, some carrot sticks or otherwise healthy crap, such as, I dunno, fruit, I guess. 

Right Now It Is Baseball Season, Fuckos, and Don't You Forget It

It’s not football season, OK? It’s fucking Baseball season. Your Baltimore Orioles are in first fucking place in the Eastern Division of the American League, a League so...

I'm Hungry

Seriously, I could eat right now, I mean, I just ate, but that was a mere Breaking of the Fast after my sleep period, which is anywhere from...

I lost my Day Job back in March, and since then, I have been Getting Paid a la carte, if you will, for various products that come out of my brain and hands,...

Chikungunya!

Man, I don’t know about you, but I am having a great summer, seriously, I have gone places and eaten things, I have relaxed in many of...

Trigger warning: The above headline already kinda spoilered it, but if you have a hard time dealing with explicit written depictions of emesis by humans, you are excused from...

Arroooo!!! Hey everybody, it's Summer! In honor of that, even though I am Underemployed from a Day Job, I am going on a Vacation I planned—and lucky for me, paid for—a...

CONNECT WITH US
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Flickr
  • RSS Feeds
TRENDING

PHOTOS

CP ON FACEBOOK
CP ON TWITTER