Mr. Wrong By Joe MacLeod
Mr. Wrong: Drive-in Movies Rule

Before the Summer really does slip away from us all and we slide inexorably into the Icy Death of Winter, I urge you, as a U.S. American, to eat a Snoball, to go to the Beach, and to go to the Drive-In Movies, specifically the Bengies Drive-In Theatre, at 3417 Eastern Blvd. in beautiful Middle River, MD. Seriously, you need to go to the Drive-In Movies! It doesn't matter what's playing!

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Mr. Wrong: You Can't Spell Goodbye Without Lowercase b

I dunno how much you pay attention to Media News, but were you aware the Company that publishes the smudgy inky paper or pixels of City Paper, directly here in front of your eyeballs, also publishes the b paper, the on-purpose lowercase-named weekly?

Yeah, and now they (The Baltimore Sun Media Group, which signs the checks I cash for pooping out the Mr.

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Mr. Wrong: Career opportunity

I dunno how much you pay attention to Media News, but were you aware the Company that publishes the smudgy inky paper or pixels directly here in front of your eyeballs is looking for a new Editor-in-Chief? Career Opportunity!

Yeah man, City Paper, Baltimore's Most Help Wanted Alternative Weekly, is looking, right now, for a shiny new Editor-in-Chief.

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Mr. Wrong: The cones of summer

I am totally having a still-hot American Summer and I hope by now you know I want the same for you, in varying degrees according to your particular and independent preferences, and I hope you write in to the below addresses and let me know all about your Summer, and what you did and what you ate and how good it was and any ideas you have for making it Endless. Now is August!

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Mr. Wrong: The Sizzling of Summer Sausage

How is your Summer going?Are you having a good time, or are you at least making holes in your Bad Time to jam a few square pegs of Good Time all up in there? Do it! You gotta steal that stuff! These Are The Good Times!

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Mr. Wrong: Rebel Yell

I forget if I weighed in on this Rebel Flag stuff, because there's so many everybodys weighing in on this Rebel Flag stuff, but I am for putting the flag in a Museum, as opposed to flying it on flagpoles in front of Government Buildings, and I think it is just basically Rude, right now, to display that flag on account of all the Meaning it has accumulated in terms of this Nation's History of allowing the Owning of Human Beings as Property, and attitudes toward the Descendants of Human Beings who were Owned, as Property, by other humans, who said on paper they were all about Liberty and Freedom and stuff, but were mostly just tired of paying too many taxes to the King of England on tea and stuff. It's always about the money.

Anyway, the other day I saw a dude in a pickup truck cruising down Ritchie Highway in Glen Burnie, Anne Arundel County, Maryland, America, and the truck had two flagpoles jammed in the sides of the truck bed, and flapping away in the breeze were the Stars & Stripes on one side and the Stars & Bars on the other.

I think it's totally fair to compare the Rebel Flag to the Nazi Flag, man, and so if you are flying your flag that kinda says HEY BLACK PEOPLE, FUCK WHAT YOU THINK then you need to prepare for what you might think of as an Unreasonable Escalation of Hostilities in terms of your property, because that flag is a big, uh, red flag in terms of being Hostile, which is an extension of being Rude, and people need to stop being so fucking Rude, and if you are Rude in general toward people, then you will probably get some Rude back, you know?

I dunno if that Rebel Flag should be removed from the "Dukes of Hazzard" car from the teevee show, because there's all kindsa Nazi flags all over the place on teevee, in terms of Historical stuff, and there used to be a sitcom called "Hogan's Heroes" that was set in a WWII (The Big one) Prisoner of War camp, and the show was all about goofing on the Germans and the Gestapo and stuff, but there weren't any gags about killing millions of people in concentration camps or anything, because they were trying to keep it light, for entertainment. So I dunno, man, if somebody wants to do a Civil War sitcom, they gotta use that flag, right? For jokes? But if they ever remake that "Dukes of Hazzard" show again, maybe make one of the Duke Boys a KKK member? I dunno.

I guess owning and displaying flags falls under the Freedom of Speech thing we (as in U.S.) are supposed to be so famous for, but there's also the whole thing about yelling "fire" in a crowded movie theater and that's not cool because somebody could get hurt, and like, right now, displaying a Rebel Flag is an inflammatory thing, but I think when you start banning stuff, well, look at how great that's going with anything that's banned in this country, OK?

One way or another we all pay taxes, we all own all the stuff built by our Government, and that includes flagpoles and flags, and it's a whole bunch of people who pay taxes who think that Rebel Flag is not worth it right now, so I think it's better to get it off Official stuff, right? Also, I thought History was written by the Victors, eh? Getting rid of that flag off Official buildings is just The United States of America acting like a Winner, man.

Here in Maryland, My Maryland, we have a pretty good state flag, because it is visually divided to show the historic divisions in the state, so it preserves history and is Educational and stuff, plus it has kick-ass colors, I think.

Do you get crazy when somebody burns the Stars & Stripes? When you see some yahoo on the news yelling and burning a US Flag? I think it's kinda ridiculous to let somebody have that much power to get me all cranked up, just by burning some fabric with colors on it. I mean, fuck you, of course, for burning my flag, you rude asshole.

Meanwhile, I notice at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, they (and you know who They are) have some songs during the Seventh-Inning Stretch, when you are invited to stand up and stretch out of your (generally tiny and uncomfortable and overcrowded) seat, and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' (Jack Norworth and Albert Von Tilzer), and 'Thank God I'm A Country Boy' (John Martin Sommers), and more recently, there's been an extra Patriotism moment where you are kinda peer-pressured into listening to 'God Bless America' (Irving Berlin) as if it were the National Anthem, which it ain't, but if you blaspheme on this song, you get the stink eye from people who think you do not Support The Troops. Classic Forced Patriotism. I Salute the Troops man, don't tell me how. Now look, I have no problem with this song, it was written by Irving Berlin in 1918, and then edited in 1938 as a reaction to the rise of Adolf Hitler, and at O's games now they are playing 'This Land Is Your Land' (Woody Guthrie), which was a response song to 'God Bless America,' so that's cool, to be doing that, and I really like that song, but I'm not gonna lose my shit if people talk and go get a beer while it's playing.

If you don't, you really should consider clapping your hands during 'Country Boy,' because it's fun, and you should also take a shot at singing along to 'The Star-Spangled Banner' (Francis Scott Key) when they play it and not just do the "O!" part, you know?

And hey, 'Maryland, My Maryland' (to the tune of 'O Tannenbaum,' lyrics by James Ryder Randall), the Official State Song? C'mon, man, I am from Schenectady, New York, in The North. Now that The War is over (we won), I reside happily here in Baltimore, and do not appreciate being singled out in the National Anthem of My State ("Huzza! she spurns the Northern scum!") in such a disparaging manner, OK? I ain't singin' that. 

Email: wrongcolumn@gmail.com

Twitter: @MRWRONGCOLUMN

Postcards: MR. WRONG, c/o CITY PAPER, 501 N. Calvert St., Baltimore, MD 21278

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