Valentine’s Day was stressful. Every year, it’s the same. From eating so much Valentine’s Day turkey that my pants unbutton themselves out of sheer exhaustion while I loaf on the couch during the traditional Valentine’s Day football game, to the yearly argument between Uncle Ruth and Aunt Sleeve about how vegetarians are bad for the environment, I’m bushed! Can’t wait to count my Valentine’s Day gelt, drink a traditional red Valentine’s Day beer, and kick back.
Alas, relaxing is not in the cards because, as we all know, now that it’s over, it’s time to round up some Valentine’s Day Resolutions! Nothing says “The holidays are over” like discussions about promises to ourselves that we’ve broken in lightning speed, and I’m ready to get that conversation started. What are your Valentine’s Day Resolutions? What kinds of changes did you want to make to improve your life and/or general odor? What’s wrong with you? And similar questions I asked myself while lying awake in bed, fully unsleeping. To that end I’ve made a list, I’m checking it twice, and I’d like to hear what you did with your weekend. Not this last one, the one before.
I have to say I feel pretty good about these resolutions thus far. This year will be even better than the year I dressed up as Sexy Zombie Cupid Nurse for a Valentine’s Day party, or the year I celebrated the resurrection of a single cinnamon heart candy by symbolically eating a huge bag of cinnamon heart candy (ears first).
1. Be more sexful. Just be totally full of sex all the time, you know? I deserve to be positively brimming with the stuff, spilling over the proverbial salt-encrusted lip of the metaphorical margarita glass. If I’m walking down the street, I want people’s necks to spontaneously manifest an extra vertebra due to extreme craning-to-get-a-peek-at-me. I want to give sensible motorists whiplash because they couldn’t believe that such ankles existed in the world. I want total strangers musing aloud to no one in particular, “Wow, that human brings to mind a silicone praying mantis nibbling the head off a crushed-velvet greyhound.”
2. Eat healthily. What do healthy people eat? I feel like nobody is talking about food these days, where it comes from, where it goes, how to get it. Where do I even procure food? How does food food? I imagine that a change in my day-to-day diet of plastic utensils and mesh tank tops would require some knowledge of general foodways, so any help that you could offer in this regard would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been gnawing at a cardboard box to keep my teeth clean, and, as long as I can control my bite pattern, it seems like this half-masticated packing crate will make a fantastic swimsuit some day.
3. Quit drinking. I could probably benefit from this one. Lets face it, drinking is expensive! Champagne in a bag, cases of LaCroix Raspberry-Potato seltzer, bong water straight from the tap, hot ice: All these fancy beverages put serious hurt on the wallet. I’m going to stop drinking entirely, and figure out an effective method for hydrating in an urban environment without spending any money or doing anything at all. If kangaroo rats can get all their moisture from robbing lizards at night, surely I can survive without ingesting liquids of any type. Nature always finds a way!
4. Be more knowledgeable about statistics. Did you know numbers affect our lives, every day? The University of Scranton, a nonfictional academy in an actual American town, reports that people who make resolutions are ten times more likely to make 10 than people who don’t. Furthermore, 75 percent of all Valentine’s Day resolutions are written on rice paper, folded into an airplane, set on fire and thrown out a sixth-story window in disgust every year. That’s more resolutions than there are bicycles in my garage! Statistics, swinging in the breeze.
5. Correctly observe national holidays. Woodrow Wilson didn’t institute a mandatory national Arbor Day just to confuse us, folks. Little-known fact: Wilson gave birth to the pupa that would become Richard Nixon, who started Arbor Day as a prank on his dog Checkers. In this way, Woodrow Wilson invented tree worship and should be revered (observed) as the Rightful Pagan Lord of The White House. I resolve to light a candle, trace a heptagram in the air above the flame whilst cramming my armpits full of rose petals, uttering this incantation the entire time: “Woodrow Wilson Woodrow Wilson/ Will You Be My Valentine.”