Hot Fudge Wednesdays: The Weed Issue

City Paper

W is for WOW I LIKE IT

O is for OUT OF THIS WORLD, MAN

W is for I meant to spell another word in this acrostic and only realized it just now

W is for Weed!

E is for Eureka, the health care that you smoke!

E is for I don’t really know that much about marijuana legislation after all!

D is for DO SOME!

 

List of animals that can be purchased in the form of a glass pipe:

1. Elephant. The cutest and largest. Should be at the end of the list out of sheer grandeur. You smoke out of its tail. Or the trunk, I forget. Stable on four legs, but delicate. Proper handling of this pipe requires the establishment of a truly ritual experience, soft lighting, pillows, the whole nine. Reverence mandatory, preferably by the light of the full moon.

2. Mushroom. Not an animal, but close.

3. Snake. Seems like it’s trying to be a cobra. Falls over easily, has blank staring little glass eyes. Oh wait, that’s real snakes. The bowl part is in its head so it’s like you’re smoking snake brains, man, for real. The carb is the mouth and it looks like it always wants to kiss you.

4. Frog. I think I’ve seen one of these? Somewhere? Also cute, and tragic. Frogs are endangered (basically).

5. Dog. Similar to elephant except it doesn’t have a trunk. Expensive and delicate. Wouldn’t it be crazy if your dog became jealous of this small fragile dog? Or the cat pushed the dog pipe off the table in an utterly Vine-able fit of pique? Pay more attention to your pets.

6. Unicorn. Doesn’t exist. Only in dreams.

7. Kitty. Aw, a kitty!

8. Octopus. Okay, no, this is the most expensive and fragile one.

9. Dragon. No THIS ONE. THIS. This one is CRAZY expensive and badass. Do not touch it. Do not even smoke out of it. In fact, do not buy it. Will not survive ride in car from head shop to basement rec room.

 

Which leads me to my next business idea: a head shop in a zoo. Or aquarium. This could help alleviate whatever disease afflicts Weed Dudes Who Hoard Reptiles and Other Exotic Pets. Petting Zoo Dispensary! Please tell me this exists someplace, other than being sort of implicitly sanctioned by the act of getting stoned itself.

Every adult deserves the chance to sample some powerful chocolates and space out on how weird goat eyeballs look in the sunlight.

 

RECIPE FOR HONEY SLIDES

Suitable for daytime use. Side effects may include Laughing at Self in Mirror, Trying on All Sorts of Oddball Outfits For No Reason, and Being Crazy Horse During the Recording of the Rock Album “Harvest.”

 

INGREDIENTS

Old weed

Slick pan

A few tablespoons of honey, at least

Toast, biscuit, gluten-free bagel, rice cake, whatever you can stomach.

 

DIRECTIONS

Dump the leftover dried-up dusty shake from the bottom of the baggie or aspirin container or what have you into a non-stick sauce pan of any size. Turn on the heat to about medium and toast the weed gently, until it becomes fragrant and starts to smoke just the tiniest bit. Squeeze a glob-sized amount of honey into the pan. Honey will immediately bubble in the pan, absorbing the weed dust in some magical alchemy, and it will be fast with heat. Pour the honeyweed over toast or similar alternative. Nibble and bite at the whole mess quickly BUT NOT TOO QUICKLY! 

Give it a second—you don’t want to burn your mouth on molten slime (unless you do?), but if you wait too long the honey will harden into a gooey toffee-ish consistency. I suppose you could also just make candy at this point if you drizzled the honey on wax paper.

 

When did our snow melt? A week ago, two weeks? I can’t remember if our grasses greened a month or a year ago. I live in the present, where the daffodils glimmer like fried eggs and the air is redolent. This morning, in this city, a strong and tender boy is rolling a blunt on a city bus, nursing his creation to life. I watch him weld the wrapper to itself with the surgical care of an archaeologist or mother cat, his saliva and attentiveness melting into one perfect creation. This morning, on a bench somewhere, a lady is laughing. She takes small drags from a short joint in her purse and nobody can tell her to stop laughing. Our snow is melted and we sit on benches with our friends and our laughing, and nobody has the right to stop us. 

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