So James Earl Jones is on my boob tube hammering this Verizon thing. "Blah, blah, blah, VERIZON, blah, blah, blah, VERIZON." Verizon, Verizon, Verizon. For the love of God, Verizon. You never once in your whole entire life ever said the word "Verizon," I'll bet, unless you knocked back too many highballs or were wacked out on that Special K or Vitamin C or one of those other letters, but now you're gonna say "Verizon" all the time like it's a real word, and you're gonna write checks to Verizon and call Verizon, and say stuff like, "The goddamn Verizon's on the fritz again." But it's not. There's no such thing as a Verizon. Don't believe James Earl Jones. It's a made-up bullshit word, and they (and you know who "they" are) probably paid James Earl an ass-load of money to pitch the Verizon on the teevee. He's probably already got a fucking yacht and a racehorse named Verizon, for chrissakes.
I'm not a big fan of the French, because I heard they hate us (and you know who "U.S." is), but it's times like this when we could learn a thing or two from them. They have, like, a government agency dedicated to keeping their language free from made-up words. They call it the Academie Du Not To Make Up Zee Words or something, and I'm with the Frenchies on this one, especially since I'm not making any money off any Verizon deal. Vive le not to make up le words.
Since this "column" is almost always devoid of actual facts, I am somewhat unaccustomed to doing any actual research, but this time I did. Specifically, I attempted to look in an actual dictionary, but since I couldn't find a one in my house, what with all the Gideon Bibles and Book of Mormons that I swipe from hotel rooms stacked up all over the place, I went to Dictionary.com, which is what I got when I punched the word "dictionary" into an Internet search engine. I don't know if the Dictionary.com knows all the words, but when I punched in "verizon," here's what I got:
No entry found for "verizon" in the dictionary. Suggestions: variousness; verging; verisimilar; verisimilarly; verisimilitude; verisimilitudinous; verism; verismo; verismo's; verismos; verismos'; verism's; verisms; verisms'; Verkhoyansk Range; Verrazano; Verrazzano; versant; versant's; versants; versants'; versine; versine's; versines; versines'; versing; version; Version; version; versional; Viersen; viraginous; vires majores; virescence; virescence's; virescences; virescences'; virescent; Virgin; virgin; virgin birth; Virgin Islands; Virgin Mary; Virgin River; virgin wool; virginal; virginally; virginal's; virginals; virginals'; Virginia; Virginia Algonquian; Virginia Beach; Virginia bluebell; Virginia City; Virginia cowslip; Virginia creeper; Virginia Dare; Virginia deer; Virginia fence; Virginia ham; Virginia rail; Virginia reel; Virginia Woolf; virginiamycin; virginiamycin's; virginiamycins; virginiamycins'; Virginian; virginities; virginities'; virginity; virginity's; Virgin's; virgin's; virgins; virgins'; virgin's bower; Virgoan; virogene; virogene's; virogenes; virogenes'; virogeneses; virogenesis; virogenesis's; virogenetic; virogenic; voyeurism; V. Virginianus; Vargueno; Verecund; Verecundious; Verecundity; Vergency; Verging; Verisimilar; Verisimilitude; Verisimility; Versant; Verseman; Versemonger; Versimilous; Versing; Version; Versionist; Viraginian; Viraginity; Virescence; Virescent; Virgin; virgin moth; Virginal; Virginal generation; Virginal membrane; Virginhood; Virginia; Virginia cowslip; Virginia creeper; Virginia fence; Virginia nightingale; Virginia quail; Virginia rail fence; Virginia reel; Virginia silk; Virginia stock; Virginian; Virginity; Virgin's bower; virgin's bower; Voraginous; Vraisemblance; verisimilar; verisimilitude; Verrazano; Verrazano Narrows; Verrazano-Narrows Bridge; Verrazzano; version; virgin; virgin birth; virgin forest; Virgin Islands; Virgin Mary; virgin wool; virginal; Virginia; Virginia bluebell; Virginia chain fern; Virginia cowslip; Virginia creeper; Virginia crownbeard; Virginia deer; Virginia fence; Virginia ham; Virginia mallow; Virginia oyster; Virginia pine; Virginia reel; Virginia serpentaria; Virginia serpentary; Virginia snakeroot; Virginia spring beauty; Virginia stock; Virginia strawberry; Virginia thimbleweed; Virginia waterleaf; Virginian; Virginian stock; Virginian sumac; Virginian witch hazel; virginity; virgin's bower; voyeurism; Versa Module Europa; version; Version 7; Very Small Aperture Terminal; virgin; Version 7; virgin; Version; Virgin; Vergennes; Virgin; Virginia; Virginia Beach; Virginia City; Virginia Dale; Virginia Gardens; VRCM; V region; vergency; versene; version; version, foetal; virescence; virgin; virgin islands of the united states; virgin lymphocyte; virginal; virginia; virginiamycin; virogene; virus, human papilloma; virus integration; voyeurism
Dictionary.com seems to have some sort of unhealthy fascination with offshoots of the word "virgin," so just to see if it was on the level, I tried the word "Verecundious" on the Merriam-Webster site and got this: "The word you've entered isn't in the dictionary." M-W's suggestions were fricandeaus, varicoceles, vulcanised, forecaddies, vulcanized, vanguardist, venographies, Veracruz, varicocele, and vanguardism.
So right away I'm suspicious, because "fricandeaus" comes up as the No. 1 suggestion, and it doesn't even begin with a "V," and, as everyone knows, the etymology of that particular noun is French, from Middle French, probably from fricasser + -ande (as in viande, meat) + -eau, noun suffix, right? I mean, we're talking about larded veal, roasted and glazed in its own juices. All right, I had no idea what that word meant, I just copied that stuff off the Merriam-Webster thing, but the important issue here is that the French are trying to corrupt our language with their cooking terms. This is not exactly a conspiracy theory, but you heard it here first, OK?
This whole Verizon thing probably got started by some of those advertising geniuses they hire to sit in a room and come up with names for over-the-counter medicines. It's the kinda thought process that gets you stuff like Anusol. Was that one a no-brainer or what? Let's see--it's this stuff you put on your, uh, anus, right? I got it! Anus-Off! Huh? Right, too negative, let's keep it bright and sunny. Sunny! Sun . . . sol . . . Anusol! Check please.
Now, back to this Verizon: What's that, cell phones? Vertical horizon . . . Verizon? I'm against it. I hope the workers unite and strike it into submission and start calling themselves the Phone Co., which is what it really is. Go on, write "phone company" on the fucking check and see if they don't cash it.
Latest MP3s
