You know, I actually enjoy to go to the mall every once in a while, so don't judge me, OK? I have encountered people who are like, "Eeuw, the mall? Why on Earth would anyone go there?" Well, you know, fuck you, 'cuz I go to the mall. They have stuff there.

Plus, they have, like, those kiosks in the middle where there is even more stuff, stuff that is very, like, I dunno, new--like the different coverings you can put on your cell phone or some new smelly oils you can dab on yourself or those paintings that maybe are not exactly paintings but more like heavily retouched photographs of, like, waterfalls or dolphins and stuff, and they light up, and some of 'em kinda move or sway or are somehow animated-looking? Those are pretty cool. I never bought, like, a leopard-patterned cover for my cell phone or a miracle cleaning cloth from one of those kiosks, but I believe it is the right of every American to do so if they so desire, so there, OK? However, caveat-wise, I do not particularly enjoy the antics of some of these more aggressive mall-kiosk employees, particularly the ones who grab at your hand to get your attention about some beauty product, or the asswipe with the remote-control robot bird who flies it at people's heads. You do that to me and I'm gonna break your bird, pal. Nothing personal, just saying.

I don't bust balls because somebody wants to go hang out at the mall and eat a hot dog inside of a pretzel and maybe go see a movie inside a theater that looks like the ancient Egyptian Temple of Karnak, only it's made out of Styrofoam or something. It's like, seriously, Ancient Egyptians would go to the fucking mall if there was one, and they would totally go to that Ye Olde English Medieval Times thing, too, you know? At least once, anyway. I went, and I understand the whole thing about eating with your Ye Olde hands because that's the way Ye Olde Englishes did it, but I think they might get more business if you could have a coupla utensils, and maybe lower the price on beer, man. It would definitely be more fun if the beer was cheaper, but that's true about pretty much everything.

So, again, I am OK with the mall, and also, again, eff to you if you have some sorta snotty attitude about the mall and people who go there. You are the same people who talk about how they haven't had a television set for five years. Fine, so you haven't had a television for five years, guess what, I'm still gonna talk about America's Next Top Model or that new show on Home Box where they have sex, but like, in a realistic dramatic setting with a story and dramatic acting and stuff, but it kinda looks like they are really having the sex. Anyway, quit judging me because I like teevee and go to the mall. I'm not a big fan of a lotta people at the mall, either, but I'm not gonna automatically regard you like you need to be in a biohazard container because you go to the mall and maybe have a NASCAR decal on your car or, most probably, on your truck. This is America. You can do what you want as long as your enjoyment doesn't soil the tip of your neighbor's nose or something. That is a famous Profound Statement about your Rights as an American, so go look it up at the library or whatever. Hey, that would be a good idea, eh? Put a library at the mall? They probably already do that in California, I bet.

Anyway, one thing that ticks me off a li'l bit about the mall is the whole parking situation. It's like people go to the mall and walk around and around, for, like, miles, I bet, but when they get to the mall, errbody tries to park three feet away from the door, which I understand in inclement weather, but the rest of the time, jeez, would it kill you to park out where there's lotsa spaces and walk an extra hundred yards or whatever? And another thing, slow the fuck down in the parking lot for fuck's sake. Last time I'm at the mall people are driving around the parking lot all trying to get those last coupla spaces real close to the door and they are going like 40 fucking miles per hour. You should go, like, slower than five mph in a parking lot, for real. Your speedometer shouldn't even be close to a speed. There are children at the mall, man, and chances are they are either unsupervised or completely in a lather about getting into that mall to go get a hot dog with a pretzel inside or maybe some sorta cookie product, so be careful, and please don't be the person who parks their car diagonally. Have you seen this, the diagonal parker? They have a car they are really proud of and they don't want anybody to wack the side of their car with a door, so they park over two spaces diagonally, but man, you park like that? You are just asking for some knucklehead to scrape a key on the side of your car or roll a cart at that thing, seriously. It's the mall, man, this is America.

Type carefully