Chesapeake Oyster and Beer Festival

beerandoyster.com, $55. Maryland State Fairgrounds, Timonium.

Some people like their oysters served with wine--Champagne even. But think about it--you're slurping a briny bivalve doused in lemon, cocktail sauce, horseradish, what have you, straight from the shell. How is that not a food best served with a really good beer? Fortunately, the people who put on the Chesapeake Oyster and Beer Festival seem to see things our way, so they pair oysters with libations from Clipper City, Guinness, McSorley's, Sierra Nevada, and more. For $55, you can drink as much suds and sample as many oysters as you can handle. They'll have 10 different oyster varieties on hand, and if you really just can't bear to eat a raw oyster, they'll roast and steam some as well. If you really can't bear to eat oysters at all, we're not sure why you'd want to go to an oyster festival, but there will be pit beef and other stuff, too. (Erin Sullivan)

Shattered Wig Night

14 Karat Cabaret, Baltimore.

Tonight's edition of this periodic subcultural cornucopia highlights I Will Smash You, the new film co-directed by local author/bon vivant Michael Kimball (see Film, page 69), but being a cornucopia, there's more, including music by Sweatpants and readings by Ingrid Burrington and Blaster Al Ackerman. Dig in. (Lee Gardner)

Tim Hecker, Aiden Baker, Ecstatic Sunshine, Polygons

The Hexagon, Baltimore.

It wasn't but a couple of years ago that Tim Hecker, an ambient wizard who records music for genre standard Kranky, was headlining Montreal's mammoth everything-electronic Mutek festival and promptly selling the damn thing out. Hopefully, that gives some idea of the incredible coup it is having him perform in Baltimore at the tiny DIY Hexagon Space. As more and more musicians hop on the ambient/drone genre bandwagon, subtlety and minimalism are going the way of the dodo--to say nothing of composition and craft--so an artist like Hecker, who can recompose the air in a room with a slowly morphing tone or a delicately placed layer, is something to gather 'round for indeed. (Michael Byrne)

The Degenerettes, Baby Asprin, The Shondes

The Windup Space, Baltimore.

The Jesus Lizard, Animal Hospital, Double Dagger

$22, $20 advanced. Sonar, Baltimore.

The new music of today is going to make our nation's youth implode. Not culturally or socially, but physically, in a manner TBD but involving lots of smoke and blood. For, you see, once upon a time, a band like the Jesus Lizard--or peers the Butthole Surfers, Scratch Acid, or Big Black--could achieve some kind of renown outside the orbit of an art school and teach young people something about catharsis, losing your shit, the id, breaking bottles, and taking your dick (or at least your balls) out on stage. These things are important, therapeutic even, and only time will tell the consequences of their lack. Oh, and yes, the Jesus Lizard is back together after 10 years and, tonight, will ruin for you whatever band you're currently into. (Michael Byrne)

Jim Gaffigan

$76-$383. Lyric Opera House, Baltimore.

Jim Gaffigan, a favorite on late-night talk shows, comes to the Lyric for one night and two shows. Gaffigan is becoming one of America's more familiar funny men, with film appearances, commercial spots, and years on the set of television comedies, plus a hard-touring stand-up career and a pair of DVDs: 2006's Beyond the Pale and the newish King Baby. He brings generally family-friendly punch lines to the stage and tickets are going fast. ("Why don't they say how funny he is with his Hot Pockets? I don't think I like this paper," whispers the disapproving old lady voice in Gaffigan's head.) (Nicholas Harsh)

MARNA Nudist Indoor Swim

$10 advance. MARNA, Linthicum.

If you're one of the many who have been braving the bitter cold in hopes of a long-awaited dip in the pool, why not don that bathing suit a little early? Better yet, why not go clothes-free with the Maryland Area Naturist Association at its monthly swim and social? MARNA is in its third year of hosting these events. A variety of age groups, from student to adult, is represented at the swims, held at a private indoor pool with a location that is undisclosed until after registration. To the shy and skittish: MARNA understands any preliminary anxiety with nudism and naturism and urges you to ease into the lifestyle at your own pace--everyone does! But, please, no glass containers. (Alexandra Douglas-Barrera)

Don Pasquale

http://www.baltimoreconcertopera.com, $25-$65. The Engineers Club, Baltimore.

Fictional characters always gotta do things the hard way. In the opera Don Pasquale, the titular wealthy 19th-century Italian decides he wants to get married even though he's in his 70s, which back then made him about 120. Rather than explain to him that any woman who would marry a rich man who should have been dead 30 years earlier was likely a gold digger, Don Pasquale's friends and family concoct a ridiculous scheme to teach him a lesson. Not the easiest way to get it done, but it does provide the Baltimore Concert Opera with a lot to sing about. (Anna Ditkoff)

Melt Banana, DD/MM/YYYY, Dope Body, Dry Season

$12. The Ottobar, Baltimore.

Contorted grooves on amphetamines; pepper sprays of shredding, grinding guitars; cranked-up girl yelps something in some language about who knows what. Rinse, repeat. This is Melt Banana, a Japanese what-wave/noise-rock something-or-other institution that's been beating its devoted listeners over the head with music that has the urgency of a brain aneurysm since the early '90s. This time around the States, the trio's basically touring with itself, performing once as Melt Banana and once as something called Melt Banana Lite, a mutation of the band that subs in synths and drum machine for guitars and live drums. You might ask why, but, really, does that word even have a Japanese translation? (Michael Byrne)

Charm City Roller Girls Try-Outs

charmcityrollergirls.com, $10 rink fee. Skateland Northpoint, Dundalk.

In Whip It, 17-year-old Bliss discovers roller derby, telling one of the wheeled brawlers that they are her heroes. The roller diva replies, "Put some skates on, be your own hero." Well, you can be your own hero today by trying out for the Charm City Roller Girls. You need to be able to roller skate, a lot--23 laps in 5 minutes--and most importantly get up when you fall down--which you will also do a lot, hence the mandatory helmet, elbow and knee pads, wrist guards, and mouth guard. Start thinking of your pun-tastic nickname now. (Anna Ditkoff)

Marduk, Nachtmystium, Mantic Ritual, Merrimack, Tyrant's Hand

$18, $16 advance. Sonar, Baltimore.

In black metal, Marduk is the band that is supposedly really and truly fucked up. Like, this is the band that hates Jesus--its debut was titled Fuck Me Jesus in fact--loves war, and wishes ill on the innocent, as if they existed. Put all that invective together with black metal of the most violent and monolithic sort--drums like machine guns non-stop and wall-of-hell guitars--and Marduk is, at the very least, a unique pain. (Michael Byrne)

Taylor Branch

http://ubalt.edu/calendar, free, please register. University of Baltimore, Baltimore.

Baltimorean Taylor Branch has written for Esquire and Harper's magazines and won the Pulitzer Prize for history in 1989. His newest work, The Clinton Tapes: Wrestling History with the President, stems from nearly 80 recorded private conversations with Bill Clinton during the eight years of Clinton's presidency. The Branch-Clinton friendship began in '72 when they both worked for the McGovern presidential campaign, and it was Clinton who asked Branch to compile their White House conversations. Branch will read passages and discuss his work, followed by a cocktail reception and book signing. Pre-registration is requested either online or over the phone. (Nicholas Harsh)

Metric

$20. Rams Head Live, Baltimore.

Wait, what? Let's back up just a few years. Metric was a middle-tier, somewhat arty indie-rock band with Canadian roots, a babe frontwoman, and some indie-rock remixes when indie-rock remixes were huge. And that's about it. Now, the four-piece is rubbing noses with party-rock object-of-affection Sebastien Grangier and headlining places like Rams Head Live. Was it dumb luck, good marketing, or retooling the band's style to sound like a sad-bastard version of effing Avril Lavigne? There's probably a lesson in there somewhere. (Michael Byrne)